How can I avoid bridezilla rage?

[Van down by the river]

I agree with the others. Just be a supportive friend, maybe help her come up with ideas on how to approach bridezilla about her concerns, but keep your wedding stuff out of it. It might easily come across as boasting or seem unsympathetic.

[Zilla]

I agree with others, it isn't about you or how you are going to do it.  And if you did, you would only sound very judgememtal and unkind.  I would just nod and be supportive or change the subject if it bothers you that much.

[faithlessone]

Another agreement here.

From what I can tell, I think Suzy would be confiding these things with you even if you weren't getting married. (You said you share an office and talk about personal things). I'm sure the fact that you are going to be a bride soon isn't what's important to Suzy. You're her friend, and she's having a really tough time at the moment. She probably just needs a person to moan to.

[Sheila Take a Bow]

I'd like to echo the other posters.

It's not about you.  It doesn't matter what you're doing with your wedding -- Suzy is looking for support.  It's hard to feel supported when the person you're talking to is bringing the subject back around to herself.

Also, there's no need to rage.  Veronica is making choices that adversely affect your friend, but you can't change that.  IMO you need to save that energy to change the things in life you can change.

[Moray]

Ditto to all the posters who advised to make "It's not about me; I refuse to make it about me." your mantra.

[LadyL]

Thanks for all the feedback everyone! I agree that it is definitely not about me and it's clearer now where that line is. I realize that it's a chance, as someone said, to mentally take notes on what not to do and offer support in whatever form Suzy needs it. I will try to use my knowledge of the process to make helpful suggestions to her and avoid overt comparisons between what I'm doing and what Veronica is doing.

Also, rage is a bit of hyperbole if that wasn't clear  . I do think that some brides handle their wedding in a way that is divisive/drama causing when my personal belief is that weddings should be an opportunity to bring people and families together. Suzy was recently in her sister's wedding as well and that was also apparently stressful and caused a lot of family drama. I would hate for people's memory of my wedding to be "it was really stressful/a mess leading up to it but I guess it worked out ok in the end." I think because that's a priority for me I end up reassuring myself out loud that I won't do that to people because I'm not doing A,B and C when I need to do that internally instead.

[SPuck]

I agree with the others, this isn't about you. The only thing you should be doing is being a ear for a friend, and maybe asking yourself why you are getting anxious over someone else being a bridezilla.

[gollymolly2]

Agree with everyone else - when someone complains to you about their problems, you should listen and/or offer solutions to their problem, not talk about whether you have those same problems. For Suzy's issue with Veronica's elaborate demands, I'd suggest just telling her "Our budget is $x. If yu want to eat at Chez Fancy, we can only invite five people, not seventy. Ice sculptures are not in the budget." and then stick to it - treat "budget" as a new mantra.


Also, in general (ie not just in this situation) I think you should avoid humble-bragging about how low key your wedding is.  Haven't you told us you plan on a very fancy dress code for the guests and a spotlight (literally) on yourself? Those are perfectly fine choices to make, but people may very well conclude that your own wedding is onerous on the guests or has over the top attention-seeking elements.  So bragging about your low key wedding would just make you look silly to people who feel that way.  It's great that you feel pride about how youre planning your wedding, just keep that pride between you and your husband.

[DottyG]

LadyL, I know you've already responded to the others who have told you to just be a friend, but I wanted to add my support to those posts as well.

I agree with all of them - and this one sums up my opinion really well as well as gives a good piece of advice on what she can say to Veronica:

onyonryngs:

I'm not sure why you need to bring up your wedding at all when she's talking about her friend's wedding.  You don't need to make comparisons.  Give her advice about the questions she's asking you, like "Why not tell your friend that your budget is $XX and that you want to be able to give her the best shower possible, but aren't able to go over budget for an ice sculpture."

ETA:  GollyMolly2 posted at the same time I did.  I like her wording as well:
 

I'd suggest just telling her "Our budget is $x. If yu want to eat at Chez Fancy, we can only invite five people, not seventy. Ice sculptures are not in the budget." and then stick to it - treat "budget" as a new mantra.

 

 

[LadyL]

Also, in general (ie not just in this situation) I think you should avoid humble-bragging about how low key your wedding is.  Haven't you told us you plan on a very fancy dress code for the guests and a spotlight (literally) on yourself? Those are perfectly fine choices to make, but people may very well conclude that your own wedding is onerous on the guests or has over the top attention-seeking elements.  So bragging about your low key wedding would just make you look silly to people who feel that way.  It's great that you feel pride about how youre planning your wedding, just keep that pride between you and your husband.

It would be more fair to say I am keeping the planning of it low key for everyone involved by not putting many specific or onerous demands on the wedding party or guests (we settled on a very flexible dress code). The actual wedding is not low key in the sense of a city hall wedding, that is true.

[Sootikin]

This isn't about weddings at all, it's about Suzy needing to be assertive in setting boundaries with her friend.  Give her advice on that and you won't have a chance to 'humble brag'.

[DottyG]

Sootikin summarizes it well.

[Rosewater]

Yes, I think telling her how YOU wouldn't do those things just adds to Suzy's stress.  It doesn't change her circumstance.  Only Suzy can do that, by standing up for herself.  Just be a supportive, sympathetic friend.

POD.  I might go so far as to remind them that there is always the option of resigning their position.  I would remind the students that they should not do or spend anything that will be detrimental to their education because that is more important than anything else at this point in their lives. 

Maybe they would like to get out of the situation and a reminder that it's not an awful thing to resign could be supportive to them.  It's only going to get worse as the wedding date gets closer.

[Girly]

I'm not really sure what your wedding has anything to do with Suzy's situation, or why you are even bringing it up in this thread. It's not about you and how you are going to do your wedding, it's about Suzy, and her being the MOH for her friend's wedding.

I agree with the others, where you should just listen to her, and offer a sympathetic shoulder for her. I know I was pretty upset with some of my SIL's wedding choices, and most of the time it really helped just to be able to complain about it for a bit.

[TootsNYC]

I came back to say, I think your urge to compare yourself to Veronica is very human. Very understandable.

(and let's not talk about how often ALL of us need to say, mentally, "It's not about me." I try to do it often)

But reminding yourself, literally, and adding what it *IS* about ("This is about Suzy's friendship") might help you keep your focus where you want it.

Poor Suzy!