Babysitting and Haircuts

[Shoo]

Because.

That's why.

And, because I don't think most men care about it in the same way moms do. And in almost every situation I've known, the mom is the one who does the bulk of the logistical work w/ haircare, etc. And even if the dad DOES handle this, the mom knows everything *as well* (but moms don't always tell dads about their plans).

And yes, it's sexist, and I don't particularly care.

No, it's just offensive and a pretty interesting assumption.

It's not an interesting assumption, it's real life.  You may not agree with it, but that doesn't mean that's not the way it is.

[violinp]

Because.

That's why.

And, because I don't think most men care about it in the same way moms do. And in almost every situation I've known, the mom is the one who does the bulk of the logistical work w/ haircare, etc. And even if the dad DOES handle this, the mom knows everything *as well* (but moms don't always tell dads about their plans).

And yes, it's sexist, and I don't particularly care.

No, it's just offensive and a pretty interesting assumption.

I couldn't agree more. Parenting is a joint venture, and, as such, both parents should give the okay on matters like that. The mother shouldn't get the only and final say on hairstyles or anything else. The same goes for the father.

[Jones]

A couple years ago DH, then a SAHD, and DD thought it would be great fun to shave DD's head bald. I received a picture text afterwards. By the time I got off work I'd managed to compose myself.
DD was teased by the other kids and ended up wearing hats as often as she could. I made DH deal with the tears. This morning, 2 years 1 month later, I was able to pull her hair into a single ponytail. A month ago she still had whisps that wouldn't stay back, so I feel it quite the accomplishment.

That is the story of why the kids' hair is totally my realm, even if DH is the primary caretaker.

*ETA change "SD" to "DD", sorry for the confusion.

[SPuck]

A couple years ago DH, then a SAHD, and SD thought it would be great fun to shave DD's head bald. I received a picture text afterwards. By the time I got off work I'd managed to compose myself.
DD was teased by the other kids and ended up wearing hats as often as she could. I made DH deal with the tears. This morning, 2 years 1 month later, I was able to pull her hair into a single ponytail. A month ago she still had whisps that wouldn't stay back, so I feel it quite the accomplishment.

That is the story of why the kids' hair is totally my realm, even if DH is the primary caretaker.

How old was she at the time?

[MommyPenguin]

Also, something that would be insignificant for an adult in terms of how long it would take to grow out could be endless for a child, because sometimes their hair takes a while to get the whole "growth" message.  My 6-year-old has shoulder-length hair.  It's only been trimmed twice in her life, and just a small amount each time.  It's just SLOW to grow.  She was bald until 2.  We decided to grow her bangs out at age 4, and it took 2 years.  That's two years of her hair in her face, her chewing on her hair because it keeps going in her mouth and then the hair gets wet and gross.  Trying to pull her bangs away from her face.  Taking 10 minutes instead of 2 to figure out some way to keep her hair back for gymnastics (and having it come loose and look a wreck every time anyway).  She *finally* in the past month or so appears to have reached the length where it at least sometimes stays tucked behind her ears and it's too long to naturally go into her mouth.  If somebody decided to cut bangs for her again... I would be really, truly, awfully angry.  They would be costing me hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of frustrating work, working with my daughter to stop chewing on her bangs when they reached that length again in growing out, or possibly having bangs again, which I'd have to keep trimmed and deal with constantly, etc.  Hair is not something that you necessarily recover from easily.

Even my second daughter, whose hair grows at a more normal rate, took a while to grow out of a bad haircut.  She once took a pair of scissors to her hair and cut her bangs a bit farther along on one side.  It wasn't obvious at first, because it was the same length as her bangs and disguised by the other hair.  But as her hair grew out, as my husband said, it looked like she had a mullet.  She still has a chunk of hair shorter than the rest, because her hair is long and she wants to grow it long like "Rapunzel," so I hate to cut six inches off all of her hair just to make it the same length as that chunk so it all matches.

So having somebody cut hair that you're trying to grow out can be a pain.  Even if you *were* going to cut the bangs and they just did it wrong, it might take a few weeks to even out.  But especially when you're trying to grow hair out or change the style, you could be costing them months of extra work and frustration.  Or years, in my case. 

[Jones]

A couple years ago DH, then a SAHD, and SD thought it would be great fun to shave DD's head bald. I received a picture text afterwards. By the time I got off work I'd managed to compose myself.
DD was teased by the other kids and ended up wearing hats as often as she could. I made DH deal with the tears. This morning, 2 years 1 month later, I was able to pull her hair into a single ponytail. A month ago she still had whisps that wouldn't stay back, so I feel it quite the accomplishment.

That is the story of why the kids' hair is totally my realm, even if DH is the primary caretaker.

How old was she at the time?

Sorry, I've talked about her on eHell before and didn't think to put her age in this story. She was 5 and 1 month at the time.

[Hmmmmm]

Because.

That's why.

And, because I don't think most men care about it in the same way moms do. And in almost every situation I've known, the mom is the one who does the bulk of the logistical work w/ haircare, etc. And even if the dad DOES handle this, the mom knows everything *as well* (but moms don't always tell dads about their plans).

And yes, it's sexist, and I don't particularly care.

No, it's just offensive and a pretty interesting assumption.

I couldn't agree more. Parenting is a joint venture, and, as such, both parents should give the okay on matters like that. The mother shouldn't get the only and final say on hairstyles or anything else. The same goes for the father.

While in theory it would be great is parent's shared equal reponsibility for everything, it's just not pratical in most families.  From a time management perspective, it would be cumbersome to have both parents engaged for every decision. I can imagine my DH's eyes glazing over if he was to listen to a discussion about how much length my DD wanted tirmmed or wether she wanted to put layers back into her hair.  Just as I was standing by impatiently while DD and DH debated which wheels to put on her car. (To me, they are wheels, you don't see them once in your in the car and they don't perform any different from the other, just get the cheapest ones) There are just  some things one parent has a stronger interest in and the other happily relinquishes responsibility.  There were some posts recently about women who's fathers insisted that they retain long hair. But I would estimate 90% of dads don't get too involved in pony tail holder colors or whether a hair band will end up being too tight. 

[Tea Drinker]

Evil Tea Drinker would send a note saying "Dear FIL, I am sorry that your wife lied about what she had done to my daughter and suggested that I was seeing things. I am also sorry that this means that she will not be able to visit you without me."

No, it's not an apology. But there is no way in the world that I would apologize to someone for the fact that they or their spouse lied to me, even if their intentions were good. Good intentions would make it more likely that I would accept their apology, but that's different.

[cheyne]

I wouldn't have been too angry about cutting the bangs, but livid about being lied to.  No matter what has happened, lying about it only prolongs the situation. 

I have to agree with Toots and Shoo about the mother/daughter hair thing.  In most families, the mom ends-up with grooming duties and should have the final say in the hairstyle.  My DH only asked that we keep DD's hair long and DS's hair short when they were growing up.  He didn't care about the actual hairstyles.

[violinp]

Because.

That's why.

And, because I don't think most men care about it in the same way moms do. And in almost every situation I've known, the mom is the one who does the bulk of the logistical work w/ haircare, etc. And even if the dad DOES handle this, the mom knows everything *as well* (but moms don't always tell dads about their plans).

And yes, it's sexist, and I don't particularly care.

No, it's just offensive and a pretty interesting assumption.

I couldn't agree more. Parenting is a joint venture, and, as such, both parents should give the okay on matters like that. The mother shouldn't get the only and final say on hairstyles or anything else. The same goes for the father.

While in theory it would be great is parent's shared equal reponsibility for everything, it's just not pratical in most families.  From a time management perspective, it would be cumbersome to have both parents engaged for every decision. I can imagine my DH's eyes glazing over if he was to listen to a discussion about how much length my DD wanted tirmmed or wether she wanted to put layers back into her hair.  Just as I was standing by impatiently while DD and DH debated which wheels to put on her car. (To me, they are wheels, you don't see them once in your in the car and they don't perform any different from the other, just get the cheapest ones) There are just  some things one parent has a stronger interest in and the other happily relinquishes responsibility.  There were some posts recently about women who's fathers insisted that they retain long hair. But I would estimate 90% of dads don't get too involved in pony tail holder colors or whether a hair band will end up being too tight.

See, neither of my parents cared very much about the color of a ponytail holder and things of that nature - they were more concerned with having to actually brush my hair (thick, tangly, and sensitive scalp). They also never really had separate realms, in my experience. For them, marriage and parenting were equal partner ventures. So, it's a bit strange to see families where the mom decides if the hair gets cut, or the dad decides what wheels are on the car.

[wolfie]

TO answer the actual question - I would not send an email or otherwise write anything. Anything written down has a way of coming back and biting you later. I would do a verbal discussion with the Mother - I would have SIL do it since it is her mother. I would tell her how lying about cutting the hair broke the trust and how she wouldn't be able to babysit alone for a while - until she could prove that she will respect the parent's wishes first and foremost.

[postalslave]

See, neither of my parents cared very much about the color of a ponytail holder and things of that nature - they were more concerned with having to actually brush my hair (thick, tangly, and sensitive scalp). They also never really had separate realms, in my experience. For them, marriage and parenting were equal partner ventures. So, it's a bit strange to see families where the mom decides if the hair gets cut, or the dad decides what wheels are on the car.

So agreed lol.

[Hmmmmm]

Because.

That's why.

And, because I don't think most men care about it in the same way moms do. And in almost every situation I've known, the mom is the one who does the bulk of the logistical work w/ haircare, etc. And even if the dad DOES handle this, the mom knows everything *as well* (but moms don't always tell dads about their plans).

And yes, it's sexist, and I don't particularly care.

No, it's just offensive and a pretty interesting assumption.

I couldn't agree more. Parenting is a joint venture, and, as such, both parents should give the okay on matters like that. The mother shouldn't get the only and final say on hairstyles or anything else. The same goes for the father.

While in theory it would be great is parent's shared equal reponsibility for everything, it's just not pratical in most families.  From a time management perspective, it would be cumbersome to have both parents engaged for every decision. I can imagine my DH's eyes glazing over if he was to listen to a discussion about how much length my DD wanted tirmmed or wether she wanted to put layers back into her hair.  Just as I was standing by impatiently while DD and DH debated which wheels to put on her car. (To me, they are wheels, you don't see them once in your in the car and they don't perform any different from the other, just get the cheapest ones) There are just  some things one parent has a stronger interest in and the other happily relinquishes responsibility.  There were some posts recently about women who's fathers insisted that they retain long hair. But I would estimate 90% of dads don't get too involved in pony tail holder colors or whether a hair band will end up being too tight.

See, neither of my parents cared very much about the color of a ponytail holder and things of that nature - they were more concerned with having to actually brush my hair (thick, tangly, and sensitive scalp). They also never really had separate realms, in my experience. For them, marriage and parenting were equal partner ventures. So, it's a bit strange to see families where the mom decides if the hair gets cut, or the dad decides what wheels are on the car.

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I didn't intend to imply most parents aren't equal partners.  What didn't state well was that one might have more of an interest in one topic over another. I could have had as much say in the car wheels, but I didn't really care so why get involved.  It's like if I was in a business partnership.  One partner might be really into their internet presence while the other is more interested in developing supplier relationships.  One partner is not less of an equal, they just concentrate their interests and talents in different areas.

I think it's wonderful if you grew up with parents who's interests were so well aligned that they had the same level of input in all family decisions.

[gramma dishes]

I can understand that but I would have been a lot happier if Toots had said that only the person in charge of the hair gets the say - and not say that only moms get any say - dads don't at all.

I think most of us interpreted Toot's remark to mean "Dad's do not unilaterally make the decision to cut (or allow someone else to cut) their child's hair without first consulting with the Mom".  I don't think Toots ever meant Dad's opinions don't count at all.

[BeagleMommy]

The hair is just the catalyst.  The lying would have made me livid.  DS is 21 and, to this day, my mother asks if she can take him for a haircut (although now I say to ask him).

My mother made all of the decisions regarding how my brother and I looked when we were kids.  I don't think my father even knew where the comb was in the house (he had his own that no one dared touch  ).

FBIL owes no one an apology.  He and his wife are owed one not so much for the haircut, but for the lying.