Babysitting and Haircuts

[Mental Magpie]

FSIL has decided to confront Grandma in person and to make sure Grandpa is there, too.  She said that she and FBIL will by no means apologize for anything unless it is to say, "I'm sorry you decided to undermine our parenting and to lie to us," but only if that comes up.  FSIL also said that the Grandparents will not babysit unless supervised.

How does this sound as a starter?

"Mom, Dad, we have decided together that you will not be allowed to visit with Niece unless we're there, too.  The last time you did, you not only cut her hair without our permission knowing full well we were trying to grow out her hair, but then you lied about it.  We only found out because you felt guilty enough to tell Sister and she told us.  We can't trust you to not do something like this again and to lie about it, too, so any time spent with Niece means we will be present, too."

[Moray]

If I were your FSIL, I'd start off with something closer to "Mom, I'm really hurt that you'd not only give Daughter a haircut without our permission, but that you'd lie to us about it. It makes me feel like I can't trust you alone with Daughter. Can you explain to me why you lied to us?"

[Danika]

FSIL also said that the Grandparents will not babysit unless supervised.

GOOD!

If I were FSIL, I'd leave Sister out of it. No need to drag her into it. Keep her as an ally, rather than have Mom get mad at Sister for telling FSIL. Also, Mom might say "Sister is exaggerating. I never said that." And Mom will just stop telling Sister things and it'll be harder to know the truth in the future.

I'd say:
"Mom, Dad, we have decided together that you will not be allowed to visit with Niece unless we're there, too.  The last time you did, you not only cut her hair without our permission knowing full well we were trying to grow out her hair, but then you lied about it.  We only found out because you felt guilty enough to tell Sister and she told us. We can't trust you to not do something like this again and to lie about it, too, so any time spent with Niece means we will be present, too."

And when mom says "I'm not a liar. I never cut her hair." FSIL can counter with "It's evident. Don't lie to me again."

[gramma dishes]

Ummm ... I'm not sure I'd implicate the sister here as being the one who told.  (I admit that might be obvious to the Grandmother if that's the only person who knew, but still ... )

I'm not sure a confrontation at this point is advisable.  I'd wait until the grandparents begin to wonder why they haven't seen or heard from this part of the family for awhile and contact them to inquire.  Then I would just say "We know you cut our daughter's hair the last time we trusted you to keep her, even though you knew we were trying very hard to let it grow out.  But even worse, we also know you lied to us about it, repeatedly, and that has totally destroyed our trust in you.  It will take an admission of what you did and a sincere apology from you for both that and the lying about it,  and even then it may be  a very long time before we will be able to spend time with you comfortably again."

[Mental Magpie]

I think leaving Sister out of it is a good idea; I'll let FSIL know.

Grandma and Grandpa live only about 20 miles or so from FSIL, FBIL, and Niece.  They see each other usually at least once a week.  They haven't seen each other since the incident.

[Craftymom]

I am betting that Grandpa is asking for the apology because he has only heard that "baby's parents were mean to Grandma after she last visited with baby and made Grandma upset"

and not WHY they were mad...

[Mental Magpie]

I am betting that Grandpa is asking for the apology because he has only heard that "baby's parents were mean to Grandma after she last visited with baby and made Grandma upset"

and not WHY they were mad...

Knowing Grandma and Grandpa, I can say that's probably it.

[exitzero]

There is a rule, and grandparents should know it: No Grandparent May Get a Grandchild's Hair Cut Without the Express, Direct, and Wholehearted Approval of the Mother. (No, Not Even Dads Are Allowed to Permit This--Only Moms.)

Seriously? Dad's doesn't get a say? What's the rational behind that? 

Normally I would disagree very strongly with the idea that a dad doesn't have equal say and in all things concerning his children, but I agree with Toots on this one.  My husband never had to brush the tangles out of my daughter's hair, or put it into a pony tail, or try to get her gossamer strands into a french braid. Her hair was my job alone, so I got to decide what it looked like.

My friend's father learned this lesson the hard way. When she was a little girl, she went to the barbershop with her dad one day. She somehow convinced the barber and her father that her mother really really wanted her to have her long, blond waist-length hair cut into a "pixie" cut, which was all the rage. For some unfathomable reason, the barber and her father believed her, and cut it. Mother was NOT happy. Forty years later, she would still have flashbacks.

[auntmeegs]

There is a rule, and grandparents should know it: No Grandparent May Get a Grandchild's Hair Cut Without the Express, Direct, and Wholehearted Approval of the Mother. (No, Not Even Dads Are Allowed to Permit This--Only Moms.)

Seriously? Dad's doesn't get a say? What's the rational behind that? 

Normally I would disagree very strongly with the idea that a dad doesn't have equal say and in all things concerning his children, but I agree with Toots on this one.  My husband never had to brush the tangles out of my daughter's hair, or put it into a pony tail, or try to get her gossamer strands into a french braid. Her hair was my job alone, so I got to decide what it looked like.

My friend's father learned this lesson the hard way. When she was a little girl, she went to the barbershop with her dad one day. She somehow convinced the barber and her father that her mother really really wanted her to have her long, blond waist-length hair cut into a "pixie" cut, which was all the rage. For some unfathomable reason, the barber and her father believed her, and cut it. Mother was NOT happy. Forty years later, she would still have flashbacks.

If the child is old enough to fully articulate exactly how she wants her har cut, imo she should be able to decide on her hair style for herself.

[LeveeWoman]

Not always. My son wants a mohawk but his school absolutely forbids such a thing.

[auntmeegs]

Not always. My son wants a mohawk but his school absolutely forbids such a thing.

Yes, within reason, of course.

[JenJay]

Not always. My son wants a mohawk but his school absolutely forbids such a thing.

That's unfortunate. My son sported a mohawk kindergarten through the beginning of 2nd grade. When he started suddenly asking to grow it out I assumed it was because he was being teased. "No, Mom, everybody always wants to touch it. It's annoying." 

[Nuala]

I'm not sure why DD didn't say anything, but she was a very biddable child, so she probably figured Grandma knew best--or didn't realize quite what was happening.

Well, my grandparents told me that I couldn't go to kindergarten unless I had bangs cut. So instead of long hair that could be put in a ponytail, I had a pixie.

My mother was pissed!

I told that story to my MIL to preempt any haircuts, but she did manage to undermine me with nail polish and changed clothing. At least none of that needed to grow out.

[wordgirl]

My friend's father learned this lesson the hard way. When she was a little girl, she went to the barbershop with her dad one day. She somehow convinced the barber and her father that her mother really really wanted her to have her long, blond waist-length hair cut into a "pixie" cut, which was all the rage. For some unfathomable reason, the barber and her father believed her, and cut it. Mother was NOT happy. Forty years later, she would still have flashbacks.

I had the opposite happen. When I was about five my mother, who has never liked long hair on anyone, took my sister and I to get short cuts over our objections. My dad (who was actually a better hair-comber than mom - he would work the tangles out instead of yanking at them) came home, saw two tearstained little girls with very short hair and Blew. Up.

It was the first fight (and one of the few) that I remember my parents having when I was little. We were both kind of startled by the fight but very selfishly pleased that Daddy would champion our right to long hair.

As an adult, I can see Mom's side of this 100 percent. Daddy was only a good hair-comber when he was around - he was a 60-hour-work-week guy and almost all of the childcare duties fell on Mom. (I'm actually sitting in his office now looking at a picture of Sis and I with our short cuts, and being reminded that he was also fond of buying us adorable cotton dresses in light colors. That stained if anyone looked at them too hard. And had to be ironed.)

If our grandmother had cut our hair, I'm pretty sure both parents would have been furious.

[Danika]

When I was in preschool, so about age 3 or 4, all my friends had bangs, but my mother wouldn't let me have them. So I found the scissors and decided to do it myself. But I couldn't see over the bathroom counter into the mirror. I would jump up as high as I could, snip, jump, snip. You can imagine what a fantastic job I did. I'm glad I didn't cut anything other than my hair.