Babysitting and Haircuts

[LifeOnPluto]

My personal view is that anything which will significantly alter a child's appearance (such as a new hairstyle, or ear piercings, etc) should require the consent of both parents, rather than just one.

Back on topic, I hope the discussion between your future in-laws goes well, Mental Magpie!

[MommyPenguin]

In our family, I definitely have final say over the girls' haircuts and hairstyles, because I'm the one who deals with them.  At the same time, however, my husband gets input and has strong opinions about some things.    He's not fond of bangs, and he thinks that Jenny's, particularly with her straight hair, don't look great on her, so I have a feeling she's going to be growing hers out in the next few years.  At least her hair grows fast!  Little Charlotte's hair grows like a weed and is already halfway down her back at age 2, but she also has slightly curly hair and the most charming bangs (plus hair that is so wild that it would never stay out of her face if she didn't have bangs), so she'll probably get to keep hers for now.  But while my husband might suggest this or that, or ask me to do something different, etc., he wouldn't lay down the ultimatum or do anything to the girls' hair without me, unless it were a true emergency (gum or paint in the hair, etc.).

[Rusty]

FFIL probably knows nothing about the lies of his wife, he was probably told that FMIL just cut a tiny bit of hair from the child and it has created a huge fuss and FMIL, who only tried to be helpful, was treated badly and is very upset.  Does that sound likely?

[Mental Magpie]

FFIL probably knows nothing about the lies of his wife, he was probably told that FMIL just cut a tiny bit of hair from the child and it has created a huge fuss and FMIL, who only tried to be helpful, was treated badly and is very upset.  Does that sound likely?

Yes. I don't know them well, but I've met them a few times, and I've heard stories...but it seems likely.

(Grandma is also the woman who cried because she didn't like the way the wedding decorations were set up.)

[Elisabunny]

A couple years ago DH, then a SAHD, and SD thought it would be great fun to shave DD's head bald. I received a picture text afterwards. By the time I got off work I'd managed to compose myself.
DD was teased by the other kids and ended up wearing hats as often as she could. I made DH deal with the tears. This morning, 2 years 1 month later, I was able to pull her hair into a single ponytail. A month ago she still had whisps that wouldn't stay back, so I feel it quite the accomplishment.

That is the story of why the kids' hair is totally my realm, even if DH is the primary caretaker.

Wait, what?!  Where's that jaw-dropping smilie?  I know very few boys that would be ok with being shaved, let alone girls.  What on earth was he thinking?  Excuse me while I try to duct-tape my brain back together.

[TootsNYC]

I can understand that but I would have been a lot happier if Toots had said that only the person in charge of the hair gets the say - and not say that only moms get any say - dads don't at all.

I think most of us interpreted Toot's remark to mean "Dad's do not unilaterally make the decision to cut (or allow someone else to cut) their child's hair without first consulting with the Mom".  I don't think Toots ever meant Dad's opinions don't count at all.

Actually, a BIG part of what I meant is, "the grandparents don't get to go on Dad's say-so alone--they have to have Mom's." Partly because grandparents will so often dismiss the dad's comments because of a built-in bias, and partly because I think men are far more likely to be "people pleasers" when there's a woman involved (and grandmas as more likely to be the ones asking for permission).

Basically, I think a rule of grandparenting should be: You *never* get a grandkid's hair cut unless you have actually been *asked*; you shouldn't be the one asking.

[Winterlight]

A couple years ago DH, then a SAHD, and DD thought it would be great fun to shave DD's head bald. I received a picture text afterwards. By the time I got off work I'd managed to compose myself.
DD was teased by the other kids and ended up wearing hats as often as she could. I made DH deal with the tears. This morning, 2 years 1 month later, I was able to pull her hair into a single ponytail. A month ago she still had whisps that wouldn't stay back, so I feel it quite the accomplishment.

That is the story of why the kids' hair is totally my realm, even if DH is the primary caretaker.

*ETA change "SD" to "DD", sorry for the confusion.

OK, my dad used to joke about shaving my head, since he shaved his. However, if he'd ever gone near me with the razor, he'd have been sleeping on the the roof forever more. Mom would have gone ballistic.

[Jones]

A couple years ago DH, then a SAHD, and SD thought it would be great fun to shave DD's head bald. I received a picture text afterwards. By the time I got off work I'd managed to compose myself.
DD was teased by the other kids and ended up wearing hats as often as she could. I made DH deal with the tears. This morning, 2 years 1 month later, I was able to pull her hair into a single ponytail. A month ago she still had whisps that wouldn't stay back, so I feel it quite the accomplishment.

That is the story of why the kids' hair is totally my realm, even if DH is the primary caretaker.

Wait, what?!  Where's that jaw-dropping smilie?  I know very few boys that would be ok with being shaved, let alone girls.  What on earth was he thinking?  Excuse me while I try to duct-tape my brain back together.

To be fair, he had DD convinced it would be great to not have to worry about shampoo and tangles anymore. She was happy with it until she went to school, and people started calling her a "boy". Neither DH or DD has complained about the tangles since, all I have to do is bring up the fact she could shave her head again...

*My apologies, I hadn't noticed my phone changed a DD to SD which kinda made my original there hard to follow.

[Kimblee]

There is a rule, and grandparents should know it: No Grandparent May Get a Grandchild's Hair Cut Without the Express, Direct, and Wholehearted Approval of the Mother. (No, Not Even Dads Are Allowed to Permit This--Only Moms.)

Seriously? Dad's doesn't get a say? What's the rational behind that? 

Normally I would disagree very strongly with the idea that a dad doesn't have equal say and in all things concerning his children, but I agree with Toots on this one.  My husband never had to brush the tangles out of my daughter's hair, or put it into a pony tail, or try to get her gossamer strands into a french braid. Her hair was my job alone, so I got to decide what it looked like.

A friend of mine is the primary "hair stylist" for his two daughters. (To be fair, their mother CAN do their hair, and does sometimes. But he's also responsible for HER hair. They made a deal when she wanted to cut off her waist length hair and he wanted it to stay. Now he shampoos, conditions and braids her hair everyday.) His girls always look lovely, and I'm pretty sure he'd flip out if someone cut their hair.

He makes all hair related decisions, other than that the three boys will have long hair until they ASK for short hair, because long is easier for their parents to deal with, and cheaper. (No need for pro hair cuts.) Maybe the rule should be "Whichever parent has to deal with the tangles makes the choices."

[The TARDIS]

What if the parents wanted to save a lock of hair from "baby's first haircut"? Someday I want to be a mother and I would be quite cross to have that special first hair lock lost because of an inconsiderate grandparent.

[miranova]

Every. single. time that my MIL has overstepped, her reasoning has been that she was "only trying to help".  So, I would not be ok with that as an excuse.  I don't care if someone thinks they are helping me if I don't want any help!  It is not in any way "helpful" to make decisions that are mine to make.  Helping would be carrying out my wishes, not overriding them.  I have come to despise the phrase "I'm trying to help" for this reason.  It's been used too many times to justify someoen crossing boundaries in my life. 

I keep telling myself that all of these stories plus my life experiences are only training me to be a good MIL in the future by teaching me what NOT to do.

[amylouky]

Interesting fact.. at least where I live, the right to decide a child's hair is a legally recognized parental right. When we were fostering, we had to get a parent's (or social worker's, if the parent couldn't be located) permission to even trim bangs. This applied until the parent's rights were legally terminated.
Kind of funny.. we decided what the child ate, what they wore, what they played with, how often they bathed, and just about everything else in their daily life.. but we had to get permission to trim their hair.

[Mental Magpie]

Interesting fact.. at least where I live, the right to decide a child's hair is a legally recognized parental right. When we were fostering, we had to get a parent's (or social worker's, if the parent couldn't be located) permission to even trim bangs. This applied until the parent's rights were legally terminated.
Kind of funny.. we decided what the child ate, what they wore, what they played with, how often they bathed, and just about everything else in their daily life.. but we had to get permission to trim their hair.

That's actually incredibly interesting.

[ettiquit]

I don't think I would care too much if my mom or MIL got my 9yo DS's haircut, so long as they kept the same style.  He has really thin hair and it's best just to keep it short.  At 2 years old though, I would have been livid.  We experimented with hairstyles for him until deciding that really short is best.

If we had a daughter, I would likely care more about her hair than my DH.  However, I know he would have some interest and I'm also certain that I would not be the only one dealing with her hair, so of course DH would have a say in all hair decisions.  Even if the "norm" suggests that moms care more than dads, there's no reason to make that an absolute.

[Hijinks]

their mother CAN do their hair, and does sometimes. But he's also responsible for HER hair. They made a deal when she wanted to cut off her waist length hair and he wanted it to stay. Now he shampoos, conditions and braids her hair everyday

Ew.  I would never, ever, in a million years, consent to that.