Babysitting and Haircuts

[SiotehCat]

their mother CAN do their hair, and does sometimes. But he's also responsible for HER hair. They made a deal when she wanted to cut off her waist length hair and he wanted it to stay. Now he shampoos, conditions and braids her hair everyday

Ew.  I would never, ever, in a million years, consent to that.

Why is it gross? Hair stylists do the same thing.

[Danika]

I can't remember if it's been mentioned in this thread or not, but in other threads on this board, it's been mentioned. Cutting someone's hair without the proper consent can be considered assault. The parents could even look into pressing charges, depending on where they live.

[Mental Magpie]

I can't remember if it's been mentioned in this thread or not, but in other threads on this board, it's been mentioned. Cutting someone's hair without the proper consent can be considered assault. The parents could even look into pressing charges, depending on where they live.

I doubt they have any interest in going that route.  I know they're upset, but not enough to press charges on their family.

Edit:  That sounded brusk when I read it back to myself.  I don't mean it that way by any means.  Their personalities just don't seem the type to go that route.

[Danika]

I didn't imagine they would. It's hard to read tone on here, so no worries. I have been in their shoes, and I didn't know about any laws like that, but I wouldn't have pressed charges either. I just liked learning about some laws like that from other posters because it made me realize that I was not overreacting.

[kareng57]

their mother CAN do their hair, and does sometimes. But he's also responsible for HER hair. They made a deal when she wanted to cut off her waist length hair and he wanted it to stay. Now he shampoos, conditions and braids her hair everyday

Ew.  I would never, ever, in a million years, consent to that.

Why is it gross? Hair stylists do the same thing.

I don't find it gross either, though I would never have agreed to it even if I was married to a hair stylist.  My hair has been short for 40+ years, and with good reason.  It's very fine, and even when I tried to grow it out as a teenager it never worked.  Once it got past about chin length, it just kind of hung in clumps.  During our first few years of marriage, late Dh used to try to encourage me to grow it out, and it took quite a few firm "no"s for him to finally get-it.  I think lots of guys just like the idea of long hair and don't understand that it does not look good on everyone.

I've seen quite a few little girls who I also don't think are suited to long hair/ponytailed hair, either.  Quite often, fine hair just falls out of a ponytail.  Of course I'm not advocating that all small girls should be subject to a Buster Brown type haircut, but if a parent of a long-haired-challenged girl was bemoaning the situation I don't think it would be evil of me to suggest the option of a shorter cut.

I think we ought to stay away from legalities in this thread - it could get locked.

[MommyPenguin]

I'd probably wear my hair "down" a lot more if my husband volunteered to dry it and pin it back for me while, say, I put on makeup or something.  I have far too much of a tendency to put it in a ponytail because I don't feel like pinning it back so I can wear it down (I have super thick, frizzy hair, so wearing it down without being pulled back is a no-go).

I think the relevancy of the legalities of cutting hair, or the fact that foster parents need permission, is that hair is considered to be part of the body to the degree that the state considers it something that only the person herself or her guardian parent can decide what to do with it and make permanent changes to it.  Man, though, that must be really annoying for foster parents who have kids who were taken from unwilling parents who refuse permission just to hold on to every bit of control they can.  Then you're stuck with all the hair care but you have no say in how the hair is cut, forcing you to deal with uncut bangs or untrimmed ends, or in the reverse, with a really short haircut that requires lots of styling and the kid hates, or whatever.

[Slartibartfast]

MIL cut Babybartfast's hair without our permission - twice now.  Babybartfast's hair is growing V E R Y slowly - she's 4.5 and it's just about ear length now.  I was eager to get pictures of "baby's first haircut" - so I was really peeved to find that MIL had given her a home trim without asking me.  ("Well her bangs were getting in her eyes!")  I would have been fine with it if I had been there and had been able to get a picture    MIL was just sick of waiting, Babybartfast was 2.5 already, and MIL didn't see the big deal.  Then when Babybartfast's bangs were getting long again, MIL took her to a children's hair salon instead because she thought the "home" part was what bothered us.

She's had other occasional trims since then, to give her a bit more style, and now that she's in school and her best friend (same age) has waist-length hair, Babybartfast is hugely protective of her own.  She constantly laments that her hair is short, and she wants it to be longer.  I don't think she'd stand for MIL trimming her hair again!

[Tea Drinker]

their mother CAN do their hair, and does sometimes. But he's also responsible for HER hair. They made a deal when she wanted to cut off her waist length hair and he wanted it to stay. Now he shampoos, conditions and braids her hair everyday

Ew.  I would never, ever, in a million years, consent to that.

Why is it gross? Hair stylists do the same thing.

I don't find it gross either, though I would never have agreed to it even if I was married to a hair stylist.  My hair has been short for 40+ years, and with good reason.  It's very fine, and even when I tried to grow it out as a teenager it never worked.  Once it got past about chin length, it just kind of hung in clumps.  During our first few years of marriage, late Dh used to try to encourage me to grow it out, and it took quite a few firm "no"s for him to finally get-it.  I think lots of guys just like the idea of long hair and don't understand that it does not look good on everyone.

A lot depends on why the person wants to cut her hair. My deal with my husband is that I keep my hair long, and he brushes and combs it for me, and braids it when I want that.

Basically, we both like the way my hair looks and feels when it's long, but it's easier to take care of when it's short. That feels very different from my following someone else's preferences rather than my own on something as personal as my appearance.

[WillyNilly]

I'd give grandma an immediate out.  If she shaves her head, she can once again spend time with the kid.  If she won't, then she suffers the consequences. Basically the point would be establishing to her in very real terms what is at stake - someone making practical and aesthetic decisions for someone else. If she won't consent to her hair being cut in a way she didn't choose and in a way which will affect her appearance and grooming habits for a very long time, then she doesn't get to take those decisions from anyone else. She had her chance at parenting and now her turn is over, and its her daughter's turn.

[Mental Magpie]

I'd give grandma an immediate out.  If she shaves her head, she can once again spend time with the kid.  If she won't, then she suffers the consequences. Basically the point would be establishing to her in very real terms what is at stake - someone making practical and aesthetic decisions for someone else. If she won't consent to her hair being cut in a way she didn't choose and in a way which will affect her appearance and grooming habits for a very long time, then she doesn't get to take those decisions from anyone else. She had her chance at parenting and now her turn is over, and its her daughter's turn.

I actually suggested things along these lines, but FSIL won't go for it.  It is still her mom, after all, and this is the first big hiccough.

[MyFamily]

First I'm glad I saw this thread again today because it reminded me that I had to tell DH that I'd given the babysitter permission to cut our DD's bangs (we'd been trying to find time to get it done, and the babysitter is not our regular one and she's a licensed hair stylist, so it just made sense - we'd even discussed asking this very person to do the job). 

That said, if someone else decided to cut my kids' hair, I'd be upset, but would be able to move past it.  But if they lied to me about it?  They'd never be trusted to be alone with my kids again; not because of the hair, but because if they could lie about something like cutting hair, what else could they lie to me about? 

[Kimblee]

I'd probably wear my hair "down" a lot more if my husband volunteered to dry it and pin it back for me while, say, I put on makeup or something.  I have far too much of a tendency to put it in a ponytail because I don't feel like pinning it back so I can wear it down (I have super thick, frizzy hair, so wearing it down without being pulled back is a no-go).

I think the relevancy of the legalities of cutting hair, or the fact that foster parents need permission, is that hair is considered to be part of the body to the degree that the state considers it something that only the person herself or her guardian parent can decide what to do with it and make permanent changes to it.  Man, though, that must be really annoying for foster parents who have kids who were taken from unwilling parents who refuse permission just to hold on to every bit of control they can.  Then you're stuck with all the hair care but you have no say in how the hair is cut, forcing you to deal with uncut bangs or untrimmed ends, or in the reverse, with a really short haircut that requires lots of styling and the kid hates, or whatever.

Yeah, my friend really doesn't care about what her hair is like, she just hates caring for it long. Her husband loves her hair long so she went for it.

Weirdly, a diffrent friend has a similar deal with his partner.

[thedudeabides]

their mother CAN do their hair, and does sometimes. But he's also responsible for HER hair. They made a deal when she wanted to cut off her waist length hair and he wanted it to stay. Now he shampoos, conditions and braids her hair everyday

Ew.  I would never, ever, in a million years, consent to that.

Why not? What's gross about it? Moms do it for their daughters every day, so why is it gross for a dad to do the same thing?

[Aeris]

their mother CAN do their hair, and does sometimes. But he's also responsible for HER hair. They made a deal when she wanted to cut off her waist length hair and he wanted it to stay. Now he shampoos, conditions and braids her hair everyday

Ew.  I would never, ever, in a million years, consent to that.

Why not? What's gross about it? Moms do it for their daughters every day, so why is it gross for a dad to do the same thing?

I would love someone else styling my hair, but I would feel really weird having someone else wash my hair every day. I don't find it gross, just odd. It also seems like it would be a not insignificant time commitment/scheduling issue.

[Danika]

I'd give grandma an immediate out.  If she shaves her head, she can once again spend time with the kid.  If she won't, then she suffers the consequences. Basically the point would be establishing to her in very real terms what is at stake - someone making practical and aesthetic decisions for someone else. If she won't consent to her hair being cut in a way she didn't choose and in a way which will affect her appearance and grooming habits for a very long time, then she doesn't get to take those decisions from anyone else. She had her chance at parenting and now her turn is over, and its her daughter's turn.

I love this!