Etiquette School is in session! > "Have you tried the bean dip?"

Beandipping dead baby stories

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WillyNilly:
I totally agree her words were inappropriate.

But I still think its really unfair and selfish to think she should "[make] happy noises abut the baby".  She needs to not be negative, yes, but she does not need to be positive; neutral is appropriate and its greedy for you (or your DH, etc) to expect more then neutral. So while her behavior was wrong, your/your DH's expectations I think were unfair as well, and probably compounded the hurt. If she can't be happy for you, she doesn't have to fake it, she just should contain it.

Pen^2:
She was inappropriate, absolutely.

But it may not have been due to jealousy: a lot of people, when confronted with a new situation, fall back on their own related experiences. This is why it is not wise to talk with a beef farmer while eating steak. He may mean well, but chances are he'll be talking about how to kill a bull and strip it of meat, which isn't something most people are comfortable talking about while eating said meat.

She may have just been trying to make conversation and saying everything that came into her head about babies. "Oh, I want a baby but haven't gotten pregnant yet after trying to conceive for aaaages." "I'm a nurse and get to see all the sickest, most dyingest babies there are. Let me tell you about them..."

It could have been a subconscious jealousy thing, yes. But maybe she just had verbal diarrhea and was spewing everything she could think of about babies. Either way, it may be wise to ask DH to explicitly tell her, if it happens again, that such comments are far from appropriate and are both hurtful and unwelcome.

Bluenomi:
There is something about pregnancy and babies that make people tell horrid stories. You get the bad birth ones, the miscarriage ones, the stillborn ones etc. All the freaking time!
No idea why, maybe it's because it's the 'best' baby story, or because they think expecting/new mothers need warning about what can go wrong, or because they just aren't thinking.

I recommend bean dip. Lots and lots of bean dip. I've sticked myself up because I've discovered that once people fine out you are having twin, you get lots and lots of stories  ;)

Hawkwatcher:

--- Quote from: Pen^2 on May 21, 2013, 09:50:38 PM ---She was inappropriate, absolutely.

But it may not have been due to jealousy: a lot of people, when confronted with a new situation, fall back on their own related experiences. This is why it is not wise to talk with a beef farmer while eating steak. He may mean well, but chances are he'll be talking about how to kill a bull and strip it of meat, which isn't something most people are comfortable talking about while eating said meat.

She may have just been trying to make conversation and saying everything that came into her head about babies. "Oh, I want a baby but haven't gotten pregnant yet after trying to conceive for aaaages." "I'm a nurse and get to see all the sickest, most dyingest babies there are. Let me tell you about them..."

It could have been a subconscious jealousy thing, yes. But maybe she just had verbal diarrhea and was spewing everything she could think of about babies. Either way, it may be wise to ask DH to explicitly tell her, if it happens again, that such comments are far from appropriate and are both hurtful and unwelcome.

--- End quote ---

I agree that she was probably trying to just make conversation.  She might also be one of these people who does not pick up on clues that she is making other people uncomfortable. 

In this case, it might be best to skip the beandip for a more direct approach.  If she starts telling the OP and/or OP's husband horror stories about babies, they should first respond with "This subject makes me/us uncomfortable, could we please change the subject?"  If she ignores this reasonable request, they can then say that the her comments are inappropriate and unwelcome.

jackie jormp jomp:

--- Quote from: Sharnita on January 19, 2013, 07:35:24 AM ---As far as "just" being happy for you, people are pretty complex so experiencing happiness for you without any sorrow or regret about their own disappointment actually seems a bit unreasonable.

--- End quote ---

This. 

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