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Beandipping dead baby stories

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Hmmmmm:
Congratulations on your baby.

Since your SIL worked in an environment where birth defects and infant death were dealt with on a daily basis, she might have become a little desensitized to how these stories effect people who are not used to hearing them. 

If this is out of the norm for her in other ways, I'd let it go.  But if this is a common practice of "raining on your parade" then I'd reduce contact and learn some really good bean dip recipes.

Sharnita:
As far as "just" being happy for you, people are pretty complex so experiencing happiness for you without any sorrow or regret about their own disappointment actually seems a bit unreasonable. The stories seem strange and disturbing but I think it was a strange version of "count your blessings" combined with an expression of relief. If she worked with these mothers and babies she is aware of what could happen worst case scenario. She might have had some nervousness and now that you are past that she is relieved and revealing her past concerns.

Would it be better not to give voice to her feelings at this moment? Probably, yes. OTOH, I don't think she actually has ill intentions. To me her words indicate she trusts you enough to share her sorrows and concerns.

girlysprite:
I know for myself that when a person can't get children while they really want to, it can result in a life-lomg hurting and missing, so I'm giving her a full pass there myself. I don't think she had any bad intentions with her stories. Etiquette and certain social graces aren't her stromg suit, and I believe that she was teying to make conversation - though that didn't turn out well obviously. I can kind of imagine how it goes 'the topic is babies, what do I have to tell about babies? Well, I worked in neonatal care for sick babies, let's tell about that!'

WillyNilly:
I definitely think her stories were inappropriate. But I think as someone who works in healthcare, she was somewhat desensitized. I also think it might be a kind of coping mechanism for her - proof she's not alone in her lonely aching for a baby that'll never come to term in her body and live a life. And in that vein, while she was certainly wrong, I absolutely think your DH's "can't she just be happy for US" was cruel - did you ever mourn for her? You will most likely get a lifetime of happiness with your child - how much time did you give to her in loving support of her inability to have that too? If you don't stand with her in sorrow, how much does she owe you in joy?

girlysprite:

--- Quote from: WillyNilly on January 21, 2013, 01:44:31 PM ---I definitely think her stories were inappropriate. But I think as someone who works in healthcare, she was somewhat desensitized. I also think it might be a kind of coping mechanism for her - proof she's not alone in her lonely aching for a baby that'll never come to term in her body and live a life. And in that vein, while she was certainly wrong, I absolutely think your DH's "can't she just be happy for US" was cruel - did you ever mourn for her? You will most likely get a lifetime of happiness with your child - how much time did you give to her in loving support of her inability to have that too? If you don't stand with her in sorrow, how much does she owe you in joy?

--- End quote ---

Those things happened before she got into a relationship with my brother. She is of my mothers age ( nearing 60). She is quite older than my brother, so at the point that their relationship started, children were no longer an option anyways due to her age. I didn't even know she ever wanted children; she doesn't seem a motherly type. Because she didn't know this it caught my husband by surprise.

As for the 'can't she be happy for us sentiment': that is a quote from my husband, which, in hindsight, didn't clarify well in the opening post. I'm usually quite laidback, so I shrug and don't mind if such things come up. I think what DH meant by that quote is he doesn't like her starting to talk about her infertelity and mourning of that loss right the first time she sees us and the baby since the delivery. Such meetings are usually reserved for making happy noises about the new baby, not detailing out how bad such occurances make you feel. It was not about the feelingsshe had, but the timing she chose to share them.

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