General Etiquette > general

Ending a friendship when friend is ill

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--- Quote from: oceanus on January 20, 2013, 10:06:12 AM ---
--- Quote ---All the best to you, OP. You don't deserve or need this garbage.
--- End quote ---


Aewsome post, poundcake.

--- End quote ---

I liked it, too.  I think this is direct cut time, and it probably does require something very specific, as poundake laid out.


--- Quote from: CrazyDaffodilLady on January 19, 2013, 12:24:59 PM ---O.P. again: Part of my guilt problem may be that my father was a minister, and ministers do not get to avoid ill parishioners, no matter how parasitic they are. 

I once attended the funeral of a kind-of-crazy woman.  The minister mentioned in the eulogy that for years she had called him many times a day and sometimes at night.  He seemed relieved that the phone calls were finally at an end.

--- End quote ---

My dad was a minister, so I understand where you are coming from OP. More than my dad, I saw my mom take a lot of abuse like this.

You are not your parents, and you don't have to put up with this.

And, IMHO, ministers/rabbis/priests, etc., don't deserve this treatment, either. Why people in that profession are expected to be doormats I'll never know (not that anyone on ehell thinks that, just sayin').

I don't think ministers/rabbis/priests, etc. are expected to be doormats.  Counseling people is part of their profession.  The difference is that they are not social equals in that situation.

With a friend, you risk being rude by being painfully blunt.  I don't think the same is true in the case of ministers/rabbis/priests, etc.

Also, ministers are the face of their congregation and of their deity. They have to be careful because of that.

HOWEVER, they also are not required to be doormats. And there are times when the effective way to help someone is to STOP listening to them and being their security blanket.

For the OP--do you and this woman have any mutual friends? She latched on to you at a class--so she's not family. And I would think you would only have mutual friends from this class, so they hopefully aren't of long standing.

Just stop responding when she calls, and never go over there. You'll have to train yourself. But it'll be worth it.

And don't worry about her--she's not THAT sick, and she is not without other people to help her (or to leech energy off of).

OP, this is a bit off topic, but might help anyway. I used to volunteer as a sexual assault advocate. We were trained in how to deal with this kind of person, because it is draining, and because it will sap your energy. One thing I always remember is that you have to take care of you first. Think of the oxygen masks on planes. You know how they always tell you to put yours on before you help someone else? This is that kind of situation. You need time and space to get your oxygen mask on.

I think next time she calls, wait to respond. Then, when you call her back, ask if she has a few minutes to listen to one of your issues. If she says "no", well, there's your information. If she starts, but can't let you talk for more than a few minutes, there's your information. My guess is that she won't be able to hold herself back.


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