"I'm good" again

[Yvaine]

A place of kindness, to me, is without the intent to harm, without nefarious intent.  Kindness is actually going out of the way to be nice to someone.

A place of kindness:  Would you like to try our new #1 combo?
Kindness:  Would you like this seat?  I'll stand so you can rest your feet.

See, I think what you call "a place of kindness" is just neutral business communication (and the #1 combo example is not rude, fwiw--going into the fast food place indicates an intent to buy some fast food, so they have a reason to ask you).

Sure, but it isn't from a place of unkindness (trying to lure you into a scam or something), thus, to me, that makes it from a place of kindness.  (The combo one probably wasn't a good example, you're right, but I think you still got my explanation, right?).

I can see where we differ in our approach to it, though.  I still think it requires a thanks, but I can see where you don't think it does.

I don't think kindness is an on/off switch. I think there are all sorts of actions that are neither kind nor unkind. That is probably where we disagree.

In the #1 example, I might not say "no thanks" specifically for the offer of the number 1, but I'll say thank you somewhere in the whole order. I might respond with "No, but I'd like a #3 combo please" and then "thank you" when we're finished.

[Kaypeep]

What I've noticed more and more these days is EVERYONE is saying "thank you" and it becomes like a vicious circle, it seems no one is simply able to say "you're welcome" or "My pleasure" or even "no problem."

Me: May I borrow a pen?
Coworker:  Here you go.
Me:  Thank you.
Coworker:  Thanks.

Me: (being handed my purchases by cashier)  Thank you.
Cashier:  Thank you. 

[Yvaine]

What I've noticed more and more these days is EVERYONE is saying "thank you" and it becomes like a vicious circle, it seems no one is simply able to say "you're welcome" or "My pleasure" or even "no problem."

Me: May I borrow a pen?
Coworker:  Here you go.
Me:  Thank you.
Coworker:  Thanks.

Me: (being handed my purchases by cashier)  Thank you.
Cashier:  Thank you.

Ha, yeah, I do this sometimes too. I think it's left over from working in customer service, when you're supposed to thank people at all sorts of points in the conversation. I still end calls with "thank you" sometimes even when the person has called to ask ME a favor!

[DottyG]

A tangent to the real discussion in the thread, but I have to agree with you on this MM - just reading about someone spraying me with something without my permission made me have an angry reaction.

I do not condone putting the product on your without your permission.  In fact, even the thought is making me have a very angry reaction to someone doing that.

[Hmmmmm]

That's quite alright  .  I'll try again.

When the answer is "no" (not any other form of it) to something that is offered, a "thanks" should automatically follow.  To not follow with a thanks is, IMO, rude.

Depends on what is offered.

"You want another smack upside the head?" "No." 
"Would you like to try a spritz of Ritzy Stinky perfume?" "No."
"Hey, baby!! You want some of me?" "No."

I didn't think I had to add the caveat that something that was offered out of kindness...

As for the perfume one, yes, I think thanks is required after that.

I disagree because the person in the mall or store is not offering it out of kindness they are offering it because they want to make a sell.  But I'll admit that I have been so conditioned to say "No, Thank you" that I was finding myself walking through our local mall not even being able to complete a conversation with my DD because I was saying "No Thank you" to so many offers of calendars, sunglasses, lotion samples, tea samples, eye brow waxing and massages.  So now I'm to the point that they most they get is a "No" or a shake of the head if I even acknowledge them at all. 

I'm also ok with the phrase "I'm good" but I find I only use it after I've been offered the same thing before and have already said thank you and usually in informal settings.  Like the example of being offered another glass of wine or another cup of coffee.  The Thanks is implied and was already offered with the first, second, and third glass/cup offered.

I do however dislike the phrase in response to "How are you today?"

So what if it is their job?  It's not out of maliciousness, it is from a place of kindness even if it means they get paid to do it.  That requires a "thanks" after the no.  If you don't feel you can have a conversation because you're too busy declining the offer, why not continue your conversation and pretend like you didn't hear them?

Because ignoring someone who is obviously speaking directly to you feels extremely rude to me and slightly dehumanzing.

And I didn't say the person offering me a sprtiz of perfume was doing it out of maliciousness. You said it was being offered out of an act of kindness.  Your implication was that any act done out of kindness required a thank you after the no.  I disagreed that their offer was done out of kindness.

If you don't make eye contact, I don't see the problem; how do you know they aren't speaking to someone else?  If you make eye contact then look away and don't say anything, then I agree, that can be rude.  You also said "if you acknowledge them at all"...isn't that the same as not saying anything at all like I suggested?

I didn't say anyone said that someone offering perfume was doing so out of maliciousness.  I was simply pointing out that the smack upside the head was malicious* and that I did not think the offer of perfume was along the same lines, thus it is not malicious.


* I thought the "You want some of me?" was asking for a fight, not a "date".  I missed the "Hey, baby!!" part.  I thought 1 and 3 of the list were malicious while 2 was not.

In my original post I stated: 
But I'll admit that I have been so conditioned to say "No, Thank you" that I was finding myself walking through our local mall not even being able to complete a conversation with my DD because I was saying "No Thank you" to so many offers of calendars, sunglasses, lotion samples, tea samples, eye brow waxing and massages.  So now I'm to the point that they most they get is a "No" or a shake of the head if I even acknowledge them at all. 
I thought by using the past tense of "I was finding" and the phrase "So now" would imply that in the past I had been acknowledging everyone who had approached me but I am now I may not acknowledge them at all.

But the non-acknowledgement feels very rude to me. When I'm walking one foot from someone saying "miss, miss" and they are looking directly at me it is pretty obvious they are talking to me.  Completely ignoring them seems very dehumanizing of them to me but it is a feeling that I have come to accept on occasion.

And as a person in their shoes, I think I would rather have someone respond with a "No" without the "Thank You" than to not acknowledge I exist at all.  But I see you would rather not be acknowledge at all if you were in their shoes rather than be acknowledge and told "No" if there was no "Thank You" added to the end of the sentence. 

[White Lotus]

While working in a country with many pushy street vendors, I learned that speaking was absolutely the wrong thing to do if I was not interested.  "No, thank you" is seen as opening negotiations.  I now give a shake of my head and keep walking.  Mall culture in the US is becoming similar, with all the kiosks, sample pushers and sprayers.  It feels a little off to me not to respond with, "No, thanks," but the problem has become acute and I don't any more. Sharp "no" shake (some places it is a different gesture) and walk on.

[wendelenn]

That's quite alright  .  I'll try again.

When the answer is "no" (not any other form of it) to something that is offered, a "thanks" should automatically follow.  To not follow with a thanks is, IMO, rude.

Depends on what is offered.

"You want another smack upside the head?" "No." 
"Would you like to try a spritz of Ritzy Stinky perfume?" "No."
"Hey, baby!! You want some of me?" "No."

I didn't think I had to add the caveat that something that was offered out of kindness...

As for the perfume one, yes, I think thanks is required after that.

I disagree because the person in the mall or store is not offering it out of kindness they are offering it because they want to make a sell.  But I'll admit that I have been so conditioned to say "No, Thank you" that I was finding myself walking through our local mall not even being able to complete a conversation with my DD because I was saying "No Thank you" to so many offers of calendars, sunglasses, lotion samples, tea samples, eye brow waxing and massages.  So now I'm to the point that they most they get is a "No" or a shake of the head if I even acknowledge them at all. 

I'm also ok with the phrase "I'm good" but I find I only use it after I've been offered the same thing before and have already said thank you and usually in informal settings.  Like the example of being offered another glass of wine or another cup of coffee.  The Thanks is implied and was already offered with the first, second, and third glass/cup offered.

I do however dislike the phrase in response to "How are you today?"

So what if it is their job?  It's not out of maliciousness, it is from a place of kindness even if it means they get paid to do it.  That requires a "thanks" after the no.  If you don't feel you can have a conversation because you're too busy declining the offer, why not continue your conversation and pretend like you didn't hear them?

Unsolicited pushiness by a salesperson is not kindness. It is harassment.