Unreasonable Expectations? (Long)

[nolechica]

I wouldn't ever be with a man who would try to stop my career goals and, likewise, I wouldn't try to stop the career goals of the man I was with.  However, due to the fact that my dream job can be extremely dangerous (criminal law), police and fire wouldn't worry me in the least.  If I ever got in a relationship where career goals were going to be an issue, I'd get out before I got to the altar.

[Venus193]

Everybody is right; this relationship isn't serious enough for your friend to be influenced by his input.  This is her future she's talking about.

Having said that, in a marital relationship (or engagement) there needs to be very clear communication about all this.  And knowledge.

My friend's ex changed careers in 1989 and his income was almost halved.  That's very serious in a city like New York.  He kept telling her that he was going to need her to make more money.  Yet she was ill-equipped to do so as she had a retail job vs. a genuine career path (retail management was not a goal for her).  It took him years to get back to the salary level he had before the change, probably longer than it should have.  Yet when she decided to turn her back on retail he didn't return the favor and exited the relationship for reasons having little to do with money.

[LOPoppet]

I'm going to second most of what sparksals had to say.

My DH is also in law enforcement, although I cannot get more specific about it than that about which branch, etc.  Now, I did know that going into our marriage so I had time to come to terms with it.

What I think most is that right now you are fearing the unknown (understandable) and you're probably replaying the horrific scenes from "Rescue Me" and "Backdraft" in your head right?

As sparksals has said, I would not put my foot down--just yet anyway.  I would hope that you and your DH could have a really honest discussion--one that unfortunately includes the more morbid aspects of his job.  Such as, are you financially ready to be by yourself in the event something happens?  Are you and the children (if you have any) provided for?  Frankly, you should BOTH be prepared for this.  Is there a will in place?  What will happen if one of you becomes disabled or injured on the job?

Then I would ask him to find out if there is a local support group for spouses of firefighters, etc.  Talk to some of those ladies and ask them what they think.  Find out how they cope.  And it wouldn't hurt to have this discussion with a marital therapist too who can help guide the situation and point out what is rational and what is not....not to mention, keep things on target without the conversation becoming overly heated and/or upsetting.

I worry about DH every time he leaves on assignment.  While I recognize he has a very high level of training and knows what he is doing, that doesn't stop me from worrying.  It is something I deal with every day.  And even though his job is dangerous, DH is always telling me that it is just as likely that I too could end up seriously injured or worse just by doing normal every day things...at least he is trained to cope with the unexpected while I, am not.

[jimithing]

My DH is also in law enforcement, although I cannot get more specific about it than that about which branch, etc. 

Would you have to kill us? 

I did a lot of grief work in my therapy sessions, as in writing up a very specific plan when my DH passes away, as will happen eventually.  It was very difficult but we do have things in place.  I do all the finances so I finally sat down with DH and gave him all the passwords, wrote down all the bills, etc., in the event that something happened to me.  So, there has been a lot of planning done.  We don't have kids yet, so this isn't an issue right now.

Honestly, I think what triggered this the most was last year on September 11th.  I should not have watched any of the specials or footage, but I couldn't help myself.  That really affected me in a negative way and I know that the news is a HUGE trigger for me.  It was actually a blessing in disguise to find this message board because I had so much down time at work that I would spend it looking at news sites all day long.  This has provided an outlet for me and now I look at the news sites once during the day so I still keep up on current events, but I don't dwell on them. 

Anyway, thanks for the supportive words.  I will have to look at support groups online and see if they are helpful or do the exact opposite, as sometimes, these groups can do. 

[snowball's chance]

Then I would ask him to find out if there is a local support group for spouses of firefighters, etc.  Talk to some of those ladies

 . . . or gentlemen.