Canceling for this afternoon's event

[bonyk]

A little over two weeks ago, I invited friend to an event taking place this afternoon.  She said she would "definitely be there".

Well, she just texted me that she can't come because she's getting over the flu and doesn't want to spread germs.  Wouldn't she have known that she was getting over the flu before the morning of the event?  Should she have let me know earlier?  Yesterday, I had prepared special food just for her, as she has a restricted diet.

My ire may be colored by the fact that friend has a long history of both canceling at the last minute, and hypochondria.

[Avi]

Maybe she thought she would be feeling better by then? I know I am probably grasping at straws.

If she has a history of this I would stop inviting her. Or at least not going to any extra lengths to accommodate her dietary restrictions. Maybe in future just organise times and dates that wont cause extra work, like popping in for an afternoon coffee or meeting up in a cafe that is close to another errand you need to run (ie - next to the supermarket or post office)

[Virg]

Only you can know for sure if she's pulling your leg or not, but illness is one of the generally accepted etiquette allowances for backing out of a commitment.  Given the history, you might be better served not to invite her to stuff or prepare anything specially, but if I was another guest at this get-together I'd prefer she stay home if she's got a contagious disease.

As to knowing if she was getting over the flu, she might have thought until this morning that she'd be well enough to attend, and it's taking longer than she thought to shake it off.  The polite action is to give her the benefit of the doubt, although again, if you have your suspicions then consider today the next time you're building a guest list.

Virg

[Cami]

If someone bailed on me repeatedly, I'd stop inviting them to events.  If I continued to invite them to events I was hosting, I'd certainly stop making special food for them.

[Kaypeep]

Part of me would want to reply back "Sorry to hear this.  I wish you had told me sooner, though, so that I could have found someone else to come along." because I'd want them to know they have inconvenienced me.  (I wouldn't mention the food part, as that sounds like something you chose to do to be nice, and I'm not sure if it was required of you.)  I'd definitely make this the last event I ever invite this friend to, and not make any plans with her again.

[JenJay]

I was going to say she probably hoped to be feeling better by today, then I read the bit about how she's always doing this.

I would stop inviting her to things where her absence would detract from your enjoyment of the event and not go to any special trouble for her when you do invite her.

[doodlemor]

I was going to say she probably hoped to be feeling better by today, then I read the bit about how she's always doing this.

I would stop inviting her to things where her absence would detract from your enjoyment of the event and not go to any special trouble for her when you do invite her.

POD. 

This could be another situation for the big fade out.  Don't invite her to anything where her presence or absence makes a difference, and don't invite her to anything at your home where you are responsible for feeding her.  See if she makes an effort to maintain the friendship.

She should have called several days ago to warn you that she had the flu.  You are justified in your ire.

[peaches]

She should have called several days ago to warn you that she had the flu.  You are justified in your ire.

This is a valid point. The flu can be predicted to last a few days (at least). She could have given OP a heads-up at the outset, and the event rescheduled.

I don't blame you for being annoyed, OP.

[kudeebee]

I don't blame you for being annoyed with her.

Since she has a history of doing this, I would stop inviting her to events like this.  Only invite her to a group activity where it really won't matter if she shows up or not.  However, anything that involves a cost, I would collect the money from her ahead of time.  I would find other friends to invite to events, ones that are reliable and won't back out on you.

[sweetonsno]

I'd be annoyed, especially because this is a pattern. If it was a one-off, I'd assume that she had expected to get better.

I would never expect a friend to call me more than two days ahead of time about an illness unless it was serious (strep throat, mono, etc) or she had doctor's orders. Because so many minor bugs are tough to predict, I think it would be a tough call to make a few days out.

[bloo]

Bonyk, you have my sympathies. I can't stand people like this.

However, in your case, my ire would be directed at myself for putting up with a pattern of behavior.

What is funny to me is that I just went to a purse party while getting over the flu. I'm not contagious, but still a bit weak and coughing a lot. I took a bunch of cough suppresants and plastered a smile on my face for two hours because I promised I would be there. If I'd had a fever or such, she'd have understood. But I gave my word. I was miserable but fortunately it didn't show. My hub's favorite expression is 'suck it up, buttercup'.

We're friends with a large group of friends/family. Nice, fun people - for the most part. One of the couples is a matched pair of snowflakes. Three (3) times they flaked out on us. The last time dinner was on the table and we were waiting for them to show up when I got a text (TEXT?! Really?) that said 'Sorry, we can't make it.'

The next morning we saw them and my daugther said to their 7 yo daughter 'Sorry you guys couldn't make it last nite,' to which she looked confused and said, 'We went to the street fair last night.' I mentioned it to the hubs and we both looked at each other, smiled and said 'Never again.'

Now we will invite them over if we are having their enormous family/friends group over (because with that many people - who cares if they flake?) but we'll never have a smaller intimate dinner with them. Ever.

They showed, by their pattern of behavior, that they are a bunch of flakes. If I invited them over again I'd have no one to blame but myself for them flaking out. Some of their other family members are a bit flaky but no where near as bad as these two.

I always dial back on a burgeoning friendship when someone starts showing a pattern of flakiness, entitlement, selfishness, etc. So I can honestly say I don't have to deal with this with any of my close friends on a regular basis.

[bonyk]

However, in your case, my ire would be directed at myself for putting up with a pattern of behavior.

Honestly, it was.  Foiled again! 

I will continue inviting her, because not inviting her would raise a lot of eyebrows (and a few stifled giggles -- She does this to everyone in our circle), but I'm not going to worry about her dietary restrictions anymore. 

[elephantschild]

I would be unhappy with the long history of canceling at the last minute. If not for that, I would consider that maybe she did think she'd be better. You don't necessarily know beforehand ... I had the flu in mid-December and am only just truly back to normal. I'd wake up one day and be fine, then wake up the next and with the nasty cough I thought I'd gotten rid of the week before. Or I'd have the lousy body aches again. One day (and one day only), I just couldn't stop sneezing. It was odd.

Also ...

I don't know how bad her hypochondria is, if she's just a bit flaky or it's a true anxiety issue. It can be the latter. Trust me, I'm in treatment for it.     There were days I'd be borderline paralyzed with fear and unable to think past the next few hours. It's miserable. When you're in the middle of it, you're not thinking, "I know! I'll flake out on this get-together!" You're in a really bad place. Doesn't make it less rude, but there might be more behind it.

Or she might just be flaking out.   Just something to consider.

[bonyk]

elephantschild, there probably is more behind it; I've long suspected that friend suffers from anxiety.  I'm not mad anymore, but like I said, next time she accepts an invite, I'll tell her to make sure she brings something she can eat.

[bopper]

I will continue inviting her, because not inviting her would raise a lot of eyebrows (and a few stifled giggles -- She does this to everyone in our circle), but I'm not going to worry about her dietary restrictions anymore.

How will they know you didn't invite her if she never shows up anyway?

"No, I didn't invite her. Honestly she backs out at the last minute over half the time so why even bother?"