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Flaky Friend: Is this worth cutting our friendship over? Update #31,#56

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A best friend of mine started a public office job a couple of years ago.  She had always been somewhat flaky, but since starting her new career, she's been flaky to the point of cancelling about 50 percent of all the plans we make. Most of the plans have been small (Coffee, bike rides, races, etc.), but she just recently flaked on something that will cost a bunch of people a lot of money, and I'm wondering if it's even worth it.

BG: Last year we had planned a ski-trip. We were going back and forth about which condos to rent, and I tried my hardest to accomodate what she wanted in a condo.  As a result, we ended up not in the ski-town we were skiing in, but about 8 miles away.  The week of the trip, she had "something come up at work" and was unable to go.  She did not offer to pay her share of the condo, but fortunately I had other friends who ended up being able to use it.

At one point she requested I do a race with her and not invite my other friends (she really wanted it to be a just her and I thing) then later realized she had stuff at work so I ended up being unable to do the race (fortunately there was another similar race later in the year that I did with my other friends).

This last year to get together with some mutual friends and "do christmas" at our house.  A few weeks before she "suddenly remembered" she had promised another friend she would do Christmas with her and we ended up having to shuffle around times and everything so she could attend both.

Just recently we had been planning a group trip to a foreign country.  She and another member of the group were not getting along.  (The other member was actually quite hostile to her, but she was also somewhat hostile back).  Just this last week she suddenly decided she wasn't going to go, putting us out for her share of the (nonrefundable) hotels we had already booked as well as the cost for her share of the tours we booked. (all in all, about $500).  My DH has already insisted that she pay her share of the tour cost if we are unable to recoup the money from the tour company. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point/End BG

I had given her a lot of leeway in the beginning, because I realized her job had her working bizarre hours and was very emotionally draining.  However, I think after a year of her getting special consideration, she's begun to take it for granted that she can drop out of whatever she wants. She now has a set schedule, with very occasional deviations, and I'm just tired of being flaked out on. Honestly, it's to the point where if she says she'll be somewhere, there's only a 50% chance of her actually showing.  So I ask you, is this worth ending the friendship over? And if so, given the fact that we are rather close, do I owe her an explanation?  I considered either just refusing all future offers to get together, or sending her an email detailing what I've just said above.  Thoughts?

I agree. I think you should stop making plans with her. And I think your husband is right to insist she pay her share of the trip. She's gotten away with this too many times. Maybe if there are negative consequences for her actions she will reconsider her flakiness

Well, with the foreign country trip she actually has to eat the cost of her airfare, which in itself is somewhat considerable.  I wouldn't actually have blamed her for dropping out (the tensions were high and I can see how being trapped in a foreign land with someone you're not getting along with) , except for her history of flakiness.

Why are you booking things for her without getting the money up front, especially considering her history?

I'd stop including her. If she calls you out on it, cite the examples you gave us. 

Well, OP, I've read your post twice to make sure I understand. I'll limit my reply to answering your two questions.

--- Quote ---So I ask you, is this worth ending the friendship over? 
--- End quote ---


--- Quote ---And if so, given the fact that we are rather close, do I owe her an explanation? 
--- End quote ---



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