Flaky Friend: Is this worth cutting our friendship over? Update #31,#56

[Sootikin]

Wait a minute - she wants a refund?!?  Is she serious?  Please tell me that this is not going to happen in a million years.

Is anyone going to turn it back on her and ask when and how she was going to reimburse the rest of the group for the money they/you're now out of pocket for? I have to say if I was a member of this group and someone else in the group had unilaterally decided on behalf of everyone not to bother calling this girl on the money she owed I'd be also rethinking my relationship with them also.

This is not a friend.  I personally wouldn't bother with her anymore.  If I ran into her somewhere I'd be coolly civil, but that's it.

I agree, I'd be fuming if I was part of the group and you were deciding for me that I will pay a single penny  of the cost of her backing out. 

Why is she more important than the people who haven't flaked?

[oceanus]

Why is she more important than the people who haven't flaked?

Very good question.  OP, do you have an answer? 

[Nebraska Jones]

Wait a minute - she wants a refund?!?  Is she serious?  Please tell me that this is not going to happen in a million years.

Is anyone going to turn it back on her and ask when and how she was going to reimburse the rest of the group for the money they/you're now out of pocket for? I have to say if I was a member of this group and someone else in the group had unilaterally decided on behalf of everyone not to bother calling this girl on the money she owed I'd be also rethinking my relationship with them also.

This is not a friend.  I personally wouldn't bother with her anymore.  If I ran into her somewhere I'd be coolly civil, but that's it.

I agree, I'd be fuming if I was part of the group and you were deciding for me that I will pay a single penny  of the cost of her backing out. 

Why is she more important than the people who haven't flaked?

I agree!  OP, has anything come of this?

[Bijou]

Why are you booking things for her without getting the money up front, especially considering her history?

I'd stop including her. If she calls you out on it, cite the examples you gave us.

Exactly.

[Bijou]

About the money:

You make a commitment to go somewhere, allow someone else to spring for the ticket with the understanding that you will reimburse them, for whatever reason you don't go, you still bought the ticket/whatever.
To me a person who has no problem allowing friends or anyone else to front the money for them, such as for accommodations or tickets, then doesn't attend the event and allows that person to take the loss has an odd sense of entitlement, indeed. Personal responsibility comes into it.

[Venus193]

Tell me about it.   

I have stopped doing this because of two people who hung me up too close to the event.  In one case I got the money back because I was able to sell the tickets, but in the other I learned an expensive lesson.

[oceanus]

On top of her huge sense of entitlement, she gets mad when reminded about the money and things she’s done, and OP/the group continues to deal with her and she dumps on them again and again.  (This is a “great friend”?  I think not.  ) Clearly they are intimidated and enthralled by her, and she knows it.

[CharlieBraun]

I think you would be well shed of her.  Life's very short and this is too much agita.

[JeanFromBNA]

You mentioned that she had a public office job.  If she is a politician, support to a politician, or even a key policy maker, that job comes with significant demands that they respond to constituents (if they ever want to be re-elected).  This makes politicians notorious people-pleasers who are unable to say "no."  For instance, if a meeting is scheduled from 1 PM to 2 PM they will attend, and spend another (unscheduled) hour or two talking with the public.  Somebody calls at 4PM on a Sunday and wants support for a matter, well you can't just hang up on them. 

She still is at fault for not realizing that her obligations have changed.  Maybe her promises to spend time with you are another version of not being able to say no, or she wishes that she could hang out like the old days, but it's not the same anymore.

That doesn't mean that you have to keep including an unreliable person.  I wouldn't, especially if it becomes costly.  Your DH was justified in demanding the deposit money back.

[BuffaloFang]

OP here - Sorry, I've been crazy busy.

So we were able to get a refund from the tour company, which was the largest chunk of change. Only 3 nights of hotels was nonrefundable, but the cost of changing the hotel to a single instead of a double was a difference of about $30/night.  Since I wasn't the one who had put the cash down on the hotels I told her to deal directly with the person who had (I was kind of sick of the entire thing so wanted to step back from it).  It sounds like she wanted to pay, but everyone in the group unilaterally decided they'd rather just eat the money than get near the pot again.  It was quite a nasty row before she broke off, and everyone is a bit on edge.

She's a police officer - sorry, public office is a bit misleading. But she does end up working odd shifts and randomly does get called into court, so I understand a bit of unpredictability is involved, but she was like this before she started her new career.  It's just made it worse.

[Winterlight]

I hope the group drops her at this point- she's created resentment and stress for everyone.

[BuffaloFang]

UPDATE: So I received a check in the mail from her.  There was no note or anything.  I guess our friendship is over, or at least needs a good long break.  I texted her saying "Like I said, you don't owe me anything.  I was able to get a refund for everything that I had paid for.  I would have let you know if anything was nonrefundable" but haven't heard back.

I won't lie, I'm very disappointed it seems our friendship is over.

Now what to do with the check?  She really didn't owe me anything, so I'm thinking I should just shred it.  That seems the correct thing to do, right?

[PastryGoddess]

I would shred it and let her know you did so.  It's probably a good thing you guys are taking a long break from one another.

[TurtleDove]

Now what to do with the check?  She really didn't owe me anything, so I'm thinking I should just shred it.  That seems the correct thing to do, right?

Cash it and split it amongst the people who ate the cost of I think it was the hotel.

[kckgirl]

Now what to do with the check?  She really didn't owe me anything, so I'm thinking I should just shred it.  That seems the correct thing to do, right?

Cash it and split it amongst the people who ate the cost of I think it was the hotel.

I agree with this. If the others are still out money because of her flakiness, give it to them. Definitely do NOT shred it. She owes the money. Let her pay.