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Author Topic: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters  (Read 147805 times)

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Thipu1

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #135 on: January 29, 2013, 06:25:56 PM »
Like the Shepherd's Pie story, this isn't quite a disaster but it's funny.

My mother and father were married when Dad was on leave during WWII.  She lived with her parents for the duration and didn't do much cooking because she worked in a defense plant. 

  When Dad got out of the Army and the couple set up housekeeping, my mother wanted to make a special meal for her new DH.  She knew that he loved beef stew and found a good recipe.  The only problem was that it contained peas and DH did NOT like peas. 

She made the stew without the offending vegetable and proudly served it in their brand-new home.  Her DH was appropriately appreciative.

'Gee, honey.  If this had peas it would be just like the stew we got in the Army'.   

jedikaiti

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #136 on: January 29, 2013, 07:14:29 PM »
Quote
Now I know the difference between a garlic clove and a garlic bulb.

I would have eaten that dinner happily, even if everyone could smell me for blocks.  I LOVE garlic.

Not mine, but my daughter's.  To be fair, she was only 14 at the time.  She planned to make mashed potatoes, so she peeled the spuds and got out the masher.  I said "Where's your pot of boiling water?  Haven't you started it yet?"  "Boiling water?  What do I need that for?"  "Um ... to cook the potatoes."  "I have to COOK them, TOO?"

I have a sensitivity to raw garlic and onions... love them cooked in food, but some (most) days even being around while they're being sliced and diced burns my nose and gives me a headache. So when cooking with onion & garlic, I buy jars of minced garlic, and dried diced onions; as a result, I measure garlic in spoonfuls rather than cloves.

One day I saw Alton Brown making chicken with 40 cloves of garlic, and thought it looked good. Mom & Dad bought me a crock pot that Christmas, and the little recipe book that came with it had a recipe, so I figured I'd give it a go, and make chicken with 40 cloves in the crock pot for dinner.

Problem 1: I never cook with whole chicken, and it didn't occur to me to thaw it beforehand. Sure, normally I'd thaw chicken before cooking, but usually I'm not putting chicken into a crock pot for a whole day. Bird wouldn't even fit, so I ran down to the store and got a whole chicken, not frozen, and cut into pieces. Much better.

Problem 2: I had NO IDEA how many cloves were in a bulb of garlic. So I guesstimated. I looked at a bulb, figured there were maybe 5 or 6 cloves to a bulb (imagining each clove was a wedge going from center to edge, much like a piece of pie), and bought quite a few bulbs of garlic. Even once I realized the error, well, they seemed really small. So I figured I should use extra.

The end result was a very tasty, tender, moist chicken that made all who consumed it walking vampire slayers. My breath after that dinner could kill Dracula at 100 yards. Thankfully, Dad was a good sport and Mom loves garlic.

The next day - after the leftovers had been sitting in garlic flavor in the fridge overnight - that tasty chicken made my tongue and lips tingle. I didn't dare eat any more after that.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

jedikaiti

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #137 on: January 29, 2013, 07:42:56 PM »
My father is a notable cook.  He is perhaps most notable for his blueberry-buckwheat pancakes, which are speckled gray all over with occasional blackened bits and taste like plastic, and for his hot-dogs-and-rice.  Did you know that cooking rice and hot dogs in the same dish results in pink rice?  The flavor is... indescribable.

The incident that has gone down in family legend, however, is the time my father received a bread machine for Christmas.  While he had never given any indication that he wanted a bread machine, when his friend mailed one to him, he was delighted.  So delighted that he insisted on using it RIGHT THAT SECOND.  The fact that we did not have bread-making ingredients did not slow him down in the slightest.  He was perfectly happy to use half whole-wheat flour and half cake flour, substitute baking powder for baking soda, use the leftover margarine when he didn't have enough butter, and when he ran out of margarine, the last teaspoon was olive oil.  Oh, and the yeast packet that had been unearthed from the spice drawer was listed "best used by [three years ago]." (Note: it's Christmas Day, so no stores are open.)

He assembled everything in the bread machine and turned it on.  The machine whirred quietly to itself, mixing the ingredients, and then paused to let the dough rise.  By the time the dough had risen, we had almost forgotten it was there, but when the machine started to knead the dough, we were reminded.  The poor machine started kneading with a gentle "wum... wum... wum..." sound, but soon changed to "wum...  wuuuumm... WUUM... WUUUeeeeem... WUU *CRACK!*"  At that point, it became completely silent, but the "baking" light turned on.

Two hours later, the house was filled with a not-unpleasant, but not-bread-like smell.  The machine gasped that it was finished, and Dad proudly got out a bread knife and the jam.  After about five minutes of swearing, a football-sized and -colored mass fell out of the bread machine onto the counter with a clunk.  The assembled family began giggling.  Dad tried to cut a slice of bread, but even with the bread knife was completely unable to penetrate the crust.  At one point, the loaf slipped out of his hands and fell on the floor with a noise approximately equivalent to that of a textbook being dropped from the same height.  The family by now was laughing out loud.  Dad expressed his firm desire to have a piece of that bread, and got out the hacksaw.  Ten minutes later, we were able to stop our hysterical laughter enough to prevent him from getting the hatchet, and someone hid the chainsaw.

The loaf, with a slightly scratched crust, retired in victory.  The bread machine disappeared into the attic, never to be seen again.  Dad will not allow discussion of his baking skills at any holiday gathering.

I'm not done reading this thread yet, but you win. I couldn't hit reply until I'd taken a few minutes to calm down, start breathing again, and could stop crying enough to see the screen. Still blurry, but I can see.

I am going to be giggling at this one for a WEEK!
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

ladyknight1

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #138 on: January 29, 2013, 08:42:10 PM »

I tried making sugar free flapjacks (oat cookies) for my DFIL who loves them but is diabetic.  So I replaced the brown sugar and golden syrup with Splenda and black treacle.  They looked ok, they smelt ok and until you swallowed they tasted ok....and then came the aftertaste.  If evil had a taste then this was it.  My DH is well known for eating anything and everything and even he managed one bite.  Never, ever again.
Snip

Oh, do I sympathize with that.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

ladyknight1

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #139 on: January 29, 2013, 08:49:27 PM »
There was also the great barley inundation.

We were going to make a beef and barley soup.  I had to work and, since Mr. Thipu had the day off,  he said he'd make it.  We'd made soups together before and this recipe was quite similar. All seemed well.

There was one thing I hadn't counted on and that proved to be the problem. 

The soup we made together was a pea soup.  A batch used the entire pound bag of split peas.  For the barley soup, a third of a cup is usually enough. 

You guessed it.  Mr.Thipu used the entire pound bag of barley.  When I got home from work, the pot was absolutely choked with the stuff.  The lid was starting to pop up.  The dish wasn't soup anymore.  It was a beef and vegetable flavored barley. 

It wasn't bad but we were eating barley as a side dish and for breakfast for almost a week.

This happened on Friday to us! I had prepared the soup and asked DS to add the barley and peas. He added the whole box. DH used the salad spinner to get the broth out of some and salvaged the soup.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

gramma dishes

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #140 on: January 29, 2013, 08:51:18 PM »

This happened on Friday to us! I had prepared the soup and asked DS to add the barley and peas. He added the whole box. DH used the salad spinner to get the broth out of some and salvaged the soup.

Now THAT'S creative thinking!!   ;D

Minmom3

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #141 on: January 29, 2013, 09:00:31 PM »
"Lots of nutmeg" means different things to different people. Specifically it means a lot less nutmeg to a German lady born in the twenties than a Brit born in the seventies. It certainly doesn't mean a whole grated nutmeg...

It might if you're making a batch of snickerdoodles...  My recipe has a nutmeg, freshly grated, in each batch.  The baking process, and the rest of the cookie ingredients tone it down considerably, so it's there in the cookie, but it's not in your face raw. 
Double MIL now; not yet a Grandma.  Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!

norrina

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #142 on: January 29, 2013, 09:10:31 PM »
This is not my own kitchen disaster, but that of my ex's then-20-year-old son. On this particular day, ex had gone out of town for a few days, and I had left for work at 8:00am. I had originally planned to go directly from work to an activity, but some little voice in my head told me to go home first. So I went home, at about 6:00pm, and as soon as I opened the front door I was greeted by a cloud of black, oily smoke. I ran for the kitchen, to find a pan of what appeared to be charcoal briquets on the still-on burner. The briquets had originally been pork neck bones.

This was a small house. From the kitchen to the guest bedroom was less than a dozen steps. I had started hollering ex's son's name as soon as I opened the front door, and when I yanked open the door to the guest room after grabbing the pan off the stove and turning it off, still shouting, he was dead asleep. In a supremely non-etiquette-approved moment of rage, I upended the pork neck bone briquets and ash over him, screaming in rabid fury, and he finally blinked at me blearily before rolling over and going back to sleep. The smoke detector between the kitchen and the guest room was silent, despite having worked when I tested it only a few weeks prior, so I suspect it burnt out its battery trying to wake him up.

The $100 pan that he had "cooked" the neck bones in was a lost cause, and I finally got the kitchen renovations that were years overdue, since we were most likely going to have to repaint anyhow to get rid of the oily smoke residue. I couldn't sleep in the house for 2 days; it smelled like there had been a house fire, and I feel very lucky that there wasn't one.



lady_disdain

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #143 on: January 29, 2013, 09:19:36 PM »
While nowhere near as dramatic as the previous posts, here is my own piece of kitchen advice.

If a recipe says that a sauce, dressing or marinade needs to rest for 24hrs in the fridge for the flavours to blend, don't try to balance the spiciness before that, specially if said recipe contains dried peppers or mustard powder. You see, those are some of the flavours you are waiting to develop. So, the sauce will taste disappointingly bland after you finish mixing it up. So you add more pepper flakes or mustard and it is still bland. Resigned, you put it away until some innocent soul tastes it the next day, with a triple batch of pepper. Said person will curse you (but the dressing was delicious, in my opinion, and no one else could steal my salad because of the heat as a bonus).

Amara

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #144 on: January 29, 2013, 09:30:01 PM »
lady_disdain, you reminded me ...

I once made a wonderful stir fry dish for dinner guests. What I had somehow forgotten was how few people can eat a habanero chili even though, I swear, I cut it up into the tiniest pieces and only used one in a dish for eight people.

I nearly killed my guests. 

NyaChan

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #145 on: January 30, 2013, 12:32:24 AM »
Yeah, I used one in a dish with 20 servings and it actually was still spicy, so I'm not surprised a whole habanero pepper killed 8 people :)

amylouky

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #146 on: January 30, 2013, 04:13:58 PM »
At least your Shepherd's Pie was done with the typical ingredients.  What I grew up calling "Shepherd's Pie" is better described as layered turkey casserole (turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes, usually Thanksgiving leftovers).  I have no idea why my family called it that - we're all Americans - but it would have come as a big surprise to any UK folks.

I actually made that with our t-day leftovers this year.. it was yummy!
But I do like traditional Shepherd's Pie, too, as long as the mashed potatoes aren't runny.

The best (worst?) kitchen disaster I've witnessed involved my cousin (who was my room mate at the time) trying to make macaroni and cheese. Now.. he was NOT a cook by any definition of the word. His idea of cooking chicken was to stick a breast on a plate and microwave until it wasn't pink any more, then drown it in barbecue sauce.

Anyway, he decided to make a huge pot of mac and cheese one night, like 3 boxes of Kraft dinner. He used a dutch oven for this.. boiled all the macaroni, took it to the sink to drain, turned around to put it back on the stove and.. the handle broke. The entire pot of macaroni fell, and macaroni went everywhere. Did you know that freshly cooked noodles are VERY slippery?

I was in the other room, I just heard a big CRASH! followed by a THUMP! followed by a stream of profanity. I ran into the kitchen to find cousin just sitting on the floor surrounded by (and somehow covered in?) macaroni, looking utterly dejected.


Thipu1

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #147 on: January 31, 2013, 08:01:49 AM »
Yeah, I used one in a dish with 20 servings and it actually was still spicy, so I'm not surprised a whole habanero pepper killed 8 people :)

Oh yes, there's a fun story about habanero peppers in a book written by a native of India who didn't like spicy food until he went to University in England. 

The first time he tried a habanero, he mentioned that he experienced a certain deafness.  His companion explained that this was a proof of the existence of God.  The deafness mercifully made sure you wouldn't hear yourself scream. 

MayHug

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #148 on: January 31, 2013, 09:08:15 AM »
I was a very young bride. My mom was a great cook, but she never really taught us five girls. She was the care-taker for her younger siblings from the time she was 11, and felt she missed out on her childhood. She didn't want us to be the same.

The first meal I cooked after I was married, was fried chicken. I remembered seeing my mom do it and thought I could handle it. I floured it, got the grease hot, fried it to a golden brown. It looked great. My new husband took one bite of it and it was frozen on the inside! Uhmm, ya,I didn't realize you had to let it thaw first! Bless his heart he tried to eat it, but I wouldn't let him!

Another time, I was going to bake sugar cookies. I thought the butter smelled a little off, but used it anyway. Well it was off, because it was garlic butter! My husband had put garlic salt in the butter for his garlic toast. ( it was in the original container and not labeled)

Fortunately for both of us, I've gotten to be a pretty good cook in the last 34 yrs! And our daughter was always in the kitchen with me and learned to cook fairly well too. I'm sure her husband is grateful!

White Dragon

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #149 on: January 31, 2013, 02:12:19 PM »
This wasn't quite a disaster, but it was really funny!
DragonSon is 16 and a very capable cook. He didn't have school yesterday, and being the only person home, he was asked to make dinner. (That's usual for our household - if you're off work/school, you cook dinner for those that are out all day.)

This was yesterday.
When I left for work, Son was in the freezer, getting out some meat for dinner.
Fast forward to 5 pm. I call home and have the following conversation:

Me: "Hi Son. I was just wondering what was going on with dinner. Dad is going to be running a little late. Is dinner something you can slow down?"

Son "Well....."

Me: "Well...what?"

Son: "Well, I took something out for dinner, right?"

Me: "Yes, I know. And?"

Son" "Well, I read what was printed on the package and thought it was a typo, so I took it out."

Me: "And???"

Son: "Well, I thought it was pork chops, but it turned out be pork hocks  :o...so...we're having spaghetti...."  ;D

I laughed. Dinner was still good.
"I think her scattergun was only loaded with commas and full-stops, although some of them cuddled together for warmth and produced little baby colons and semi-colons." ~ Margo