News: IMPORTANT UPDATE REGARDING SITE IN FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT FOLDER.

  • May 21, 2018, 11:46:32 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters  (Read 147868 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

littlelauraj

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #75 on: January 23, 2013, 03:33:38 PM »
There are some things that I'm pretty good at, and canning is one of them.  Last year I made a recipe for cranberry mustard to can and it was great.  So a couple of days ago I thought I'd give the beer mustard recipe I have a try.  It said to try different types of beer, so I used the vanilla porter that I've been drinking.  Well, vanilla porter + brown mustard seed = ear wax flavored mustard.  I went ahead and added the rest of the ingredients, just in case the malt vinegar and brown sugar were what makes the recipe.  Ooh, vinegary, sweet earwax flavored mustard.  I was disappointed to have to throw it out.   :(

Seraphia

  • Member
  • Posts: 1816
  • Unabashed cat person
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #76 on: January 23, 2013, 04:06:58 PM »
This reminds me of when I was at school, there was a truly awful project we had to do in cookery class which involved us all setting up cake stalls and selling to other pupils, so basically a huge popularity contest which my group lost badly every week.  One week a member of my group was off so two of us decided we'd make what she usually made, chocolate chip cookies, because everyone likes cookies and we thought they'd sell.  In a classic case of too many cooks spoil the broth we forgot the sugar from the mix.  Those were not nice cookies, unsurprisingly they didn't help us with our quest to be the "winning" team.

That reminds me of the 5th grade class store. We had a currency system, though I don't remember how we earned/spent the money. I do remember that once per quarter we had a class store day. Students, or groups of students set up booths and sold stuff to each other. I decided that I was going to make sugar cookies, but I couldn't find Grandma's recipe, and she didn't answer when I called. So I looked through a couple of Mom's cookbooks until I found a recipe with a pretty picture. Unfortunately I was unfamiliar with the recipe and some of the ingredients. Instead of buttermilk, I used a mixture of 1/2 milk, 1/2 butter. And I didn't have cream of tarter, so I just added more baking powder. Also, those cookies didn't get as golden brown as I was used to, so I kept them in the oven. They were terrible. Like little hockey pucks of floury rocks. I ended up painting them and selling them as paperweights. I don't know that I really sold very many though.

There's something about that age, isn't there.

It wasn't exactly a disaster on the score of shattering pans, but I once screwed up a seriously easy recipe, thanks to 12-year-old logic.

I was trying to make layer cookies. Basically, you make brownies in a pan, frost, then press rice crispy treats over the top and add sprinkles. So, doot de do, my brownies come out great, and I'm feeling pretty smart. I start getting down the ingredients for the rice crispy treats. Cereal, butter, sugar, corn syrup? What's corn syrup? Huh... Well, it's yellow liquid in the picture - what's yellow liquid in this cupboard? Oh hey! Here we go. Vegetable oil. Corn's a vegetable, right? And oil and syrup are synonyms, so they must be the same thing. This will totally work.

...

It did not work. I had about two gallons of oiled cereal before I finally called Mom at work to ask why my rice crispy treats wouldn't thicken, and were flying around the bowl when I tried to stir. At least I didn't burn the brownies.
Ancora Imparo - I am still learning

Thipu1

  • Member
  • Posts: 7439
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #77 on: January 23, 2013, 06:54:49 PM »
This is a story a friend tells about his own kitchen disaster.  I wasn't there to see it and can't vouch for it's authenticity but it's a great tale.

BG/. Joe is very careful about his appearance.  His trousers always have creases that are knife-sharp.  His ties always have the perfect dimple.  His expensive, leather-soled shoes are always shined to within an inch of their lives.  Joe is also quite a good cook.  (end of BG)

Joe was hosting Thanksgiving dinner for his mother, his brother and several friends.  The bird was a bit too large for Joe's roasting pan.  He didn't feel like investing in a new one so he bought a foil pan for the occasion. 

The company was assembled and the turkey was resting. The house was filled with good cheer and the aromas of delicious food.  Glasses of wine were being enjoyed at the table. 

  Mother was to do the honors and had possession of the carving knife and fork when Joe entered the kitchen to make the gravy.  He took the pan out of the oven...

...and it broke...

...all over rhe floor.

Joe slipped and fell into the morass of drippings. 

His brother ran to help and also fell. Mother heard the commotion and, still holding the carving fork ran to the kitchen to see her sons pleading on their knees, 'Don't take another step forward!'

A gravy-less dinner was eventually served.  Fastidious Joe and his brother attended in bathrobes and slippers.   




Julia Mercer

  • Member
  • Posts: 1009
    • Country Gals Fan Page
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #78 on: January 23, 2013, 09:18:13 PM »
Well, vanilla porter + brown mustard seed = ear wax flavored mustard. and  Ooh, vinegary, sweet earwax flavored mustard.

Thank you, you owe me a new laptop, lol!
« Last Edit: January 23, 2013, 09:19:49 PM by Julia Mercer »

gramma dishes

  • Member
  • Posts: 7753
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #79 on: January 23, 2013, 09:34:25 PM »
...   Ooh, vinegary, sweet earwax flavored mustard.  I was disappointed to have to throw it out.   :(

Just curious ... how does one know the flavor of earwax?   ;)

Adelaide

  • Member
  • Posts: 676
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #80 on: January 23, 2013, 09:53:16 PM »
The food was relatively edible, but this was more of a logistical failure on my part. I decided to fry some squash in my apartment. The kitchen has a lower ceiling than the main room (I live in a studio) and after awhile I happened to glance up at the ceiling to see so much smoke that it looked like I was having a rave. The alarm went off and the fire department had to come out. It was humiliating having 5 guys in full fire gear walk into my 500-square foot apartment and ask me things like "Did you have the fan on?" No. "Did you have a window open?" No.

redsfan

  • Member
  • Posts: 481
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #81 on: January 24, 2013, 12:19:10 AM »
...   Ooh, vinegary, sweet earwax flavored mustard.  I was disappointed to have to throw it out.   :(

Just curious ... how does one know the flavor of earwax?   ;)

Bernie Botts Every Flavor Beans, of course   ;D

Rohanna

  • Member
  • Posts: 2043
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #82 on: January 24, 2013, 12:49:36 AM »
Quote
the hallways reeked of garlic for days!!

This sounds fantastic! I would have loved to come home from work to that lovely scent.

I used to live near a town that had a warehouse for spices.  Every so often, the WHOLE TOWN would smell like garlic.   I called it Heaven.   ;D

Slightly OT.

When I was dating Mr. Thipu, he lived across the street from a facility that roasted coffee.  You didn't need a cup in the morning.  All you had to do was open the window and inhale.  That was also what we called Heaven  ;D

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

When we lived in Carlisle you could smell the cracker factory (Carr's, I think) baking. Used to make me hungry as heck cause it smelled *fantastic*.,
« Last Edit: January 24, 2013, 02:21:42 PM by Rohanna »
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world. ~ Jack Layton.

littlelauraj

  • Member
  • Posts: 765
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #83 on: January 24, 2013, 06:37:06 AM »
Funny, we have a running joke about figuring out the rest of Bertie Bott's flavors now.   ;)  I'd rather have the next batch of mustard be edible.   :)

katcheya

  • Member
  • Posts: 687
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #84 on: January 24, 2013, 08:13:38 AM »
I was 15.  My mom and stepdad's "anniversary" was coming up.  I was going to make them dinner!  Soup to start, entree, then dessert.

I flipped through my mom's recipe books and found a good-looking recipe for rice and mushroom soup.  We had all the ingredients, except for garam masala, which was described as a spicy spice.  I looked through our cupboards and settled on cayenne pepper as a substitute!  Figured a 1-for-1 substitute would be fine.  Into the soup goes 1 tablespoon of cayenne pepper.

It was WAY too spicy.  Everyone but my stepbrothers (who are spicy food fanatics) had tears running down their cheeks.  The next time I made the soup, I settled on a few dashes of cayenne pepper, and it's been a regular on the menu ever since!  ...except that time I accidentally dropped half a jar of dill seeds into it.

I also make some very tasty cheesy Western sandwiches.  My aunt had visited one weekend, and brought some absolutely amazing, locally-made cheddar cheese.  A few weeks later, we only have a tiny bit of it left, and I decided to make those sandwiches.  The eggs were done, the cheese was nicely laid on top, and somehow, I managed to drop the sugar into the pan.  What a waste of a good cheese!!!

KimberlyM

  • Member
  • Posts: 812
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #85 on: January 24, 2013, 12:55:29 PM »
I have tons of these stories!  I grew up on takeout, drive thru's and restaurants.  My mom still doesn't cook.  When my first husband and I split up and I moved out the garage was packed to the gills with old pizza boxes.  That's how I cooked.

I eventually taught myself to cook (and am quite good at it now, after lots of trial and error!) by watching the food network obsessively. 

But, my husband still talks about the first time I made pork chops.  My oldest was a toddler at the time so it took me a bit longer to start eating than DH.  He was dutifully choking down what can only be described as a salt lick until I took my first bite, spit it in my napkin and told him to stop (he didn't want to hurt my feelings).  Now on the rare occasion dinner is a spectacular failure we grade it on the "salt pork scale".  Nothing has ever topped it, but there have been some close seconds...

The crockpot balsamic chicken and pears recipe I got off the internet looked wonderful, the result, however was a crock pot full of a greyish paste with a heavy vinegar flavor.  Then there was the phyllo wrapped beef "thing".  The recipe made a ton and no one would touch it!

The biggest disaster wasn't the food though.  I make toffee every year at Christmas time, generally 20+ batches as people have come to expect receiving it.  One year I waited too late to get started and was up most of a weekend trying to get it all done.  Somehow I managed to dump 305 degree toffee liquid on my thumb, it solidifies quickly and hardens, attempting to peel it off was taking my skin with it, so I was trying to melt it with water...I had blisters and pain for weeks, I probably should have gone to the ER, but now it's just a reminder scar everytime I pull out the candy thermometer!

EveLGenius

  • Member
  • Posts: 233
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #86 on: January 24, 2013, 01:07:54 PM »
My father is a notable cook.  He is perhaps most notable for his blueberry-buckwheat pancakes, which are speckled gray all over with occasional blackened bits and taste like plastic, and for his hot-dogs-and-rice.  Did you know that cooking rice and hot dogs in the same dish results in pink rice?  The flavor is... indescribable.

The incident that has gone down in family legend, however, is the time my father received a bread machine for Christmas.  While he had never given any indication that he wanted a bread machine, when his friend mailed one to him, he was delighted.  So delighted that he insisted on using it RIGHT THAT SECOND.  The fact that we did not have bread-making ingredients did not slow him down in the slightest.  He was perfectly happy to use half whole-wheat flour and half cake flour, substitute baking powder for baking soda, use the leftover margarine when he didn't have enough butter, and when he ran out of margarine, the last teaspoon was olive oil.  Oh, and the yeast packet that had been unearthed from the spice drawer was listed "best used by [three years ago]." (Note: it's Christmas Day, so no stores are open.)

He assembled everything in the bread machine and turned it on.  The machine whirred quietly to itself, mixing the ingredients, and then paused to let the dough rise.  By the time the dough had risen, we had almost forgotten it was there, but when the machine started to knead the dough, we were reminded.  The poor machine started kneading with a gentle "wum... wum... wum..." sound, but soon changed to "wum...  wuuuumm... WUUM... WUUUeeeeem... WUU *CRACK!*"  At that point, it became completely silent, but the "baking" light turned on.

Two hours later, the house was filled with a not-unpleasant, but not-bread-like smell.  The machine gasped that it was finished, and Dad proudly got out a bread knife and the jam.  After about five minutes of swearing, a football-sized and -colored mass fell out of the bread machine onto the counter with a clunk.  The assembled family began giggling.  Dad tried to cut a slice of bread, but even with the bread knife was completely unable to penetrate the crust.  At one point, the loaf slipped out of his hands and fell on the floor with a noise approximately equivalent to that of a textbook being dropped from the same height.  The family by now was laughing out loud.  Dad expressed his firm desire to have a piece of that bread, and got out the hacksaw.  Ten minutes later, we were able to stop our hysterical laughter enough to prevent him from getting the hatchet, and someone hid the chainsaw.

The loaf, with a slightly scratched crust, retired in victory.  The bread machine disappeared into the attic, never to be seen again.  Dad will not allow discussion of his baking skills at any holiday gathering.

Diane AKA Traska

  • Member
  • Posts: 4709
  • Or you can just call me Diane. (NE USA EHellion)
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #87 on: January 24, 2013, 03:47:29 PM »
That was a touching, lovely, HILARIOUS story!
Location:
Philadelphia, PA

Dr. F.

  • Member
  • Posts: 1108
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #88 on: January 24, 2013, 04:46:15 PM »
Laughing that hard with my ribs already hurting from coughing was painful, but worth it.


Jaelle

  • Member
  • Posts: 1495
Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #89 on: January 24, 2013, 04:58:06 PM »
Quote
the hallways reeked of garlic for days!!

This sounds fantastic! I would have loved to come home from work to that lovely scent.

I used to live near a town that had a warehouse for spices.  Every so often, the WHOLE TOWN would smell like garlic.   I called it Heaven.   ;D

Slightly OT.

When I was dating Mr. Thipu, he lived across the street from a facility that roasted coffee.  You didn't need a cup in the morning.  All you had to do was open the window and inhale.  That was also what we called Heaven  ;D

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

When we lived in Carlisle you could smell the cracker factory (Carr's, I think) baking. Used to make me hungry as heck cause it smelled *fantastic*.,

My city smells like Cheerios.  ;D  (Seriously. They even sell T-shirts with that slogan on it.)
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites