Author Topic: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters  (Read 37165 times)

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littlelauraj

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #90 on: January 24, 2013, 07:37:06 AM »
Funny, we have a running joke about figuring out the rest of Bertie Bott's flavors now.   ;)  I'd rather have the next batch of mustard be edible.   :)

katcheya

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #91 on: January 24, 2013, 09:13:38 AM »
I was 15.  My mom and stepdad's "anniversary" was coming up.  I was going to make them dinner!  Soup to start, entree, then dessert.

I flipped through my mom's recipe books and found a good-looking recipe for rice and mushroom soup.  We had all the ingredients, except for garam masala, which was described as a spicy spice.  I looked through our cupboards and settled on cayenne pepper as a substitute!  Figured a 1-for-1 substitute would be fine.  Into the soup goes 1 tablespoon of cayenne pepper.

It was WAY too spicy.  Everyone but my stepbrothers (who are spicy food fanatics) had tears running down their cheeks.  The next time I made the soup, I settled on a few dashes of cayenne pepper, and it's been a regular on the menu ever since!  ...except that time I accidentally dropped half a jar of dill seeds into it.

I also make some very tasty cheesy Western sandwiches.  My aunt had visited one weekend, and brought some absolutely amazing, locally-made cheddar cheese.  A few weeks later, we only have a tiny bit of it left, and I decided to make those sandwiches.  The eggs were done, the cheese was nicely laid on top, and somehow, I managed to drop the sugar into the pan.  What a waste of a good cheese!!!

KimberlyM

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #92 on: January 24, 2013, 01:55:29 PM »
I have tons of these stories!  I grew up on takeout, drive thru's and restaurants.  My mom still doesn't cook.  When my first husband and I split up and I moved out the garage was packed to the gills with old pizza boxes.  That's how I cooked.

I eventually taught myself to cook (and am quite good at it now, after lots of trial and error!) by watching the food network obsessively. 

But, my husband still talks about the first time I made pork chops.  My oldest was a toddler at the time so it took me a bit longer to start eating than DH.  He was dutifully choking down what can only be described as a salt lick until I took my first bite, spit it in my napkin and told him to stop (he didn't want to hurt my feelings).  Now on the rare occasion dinner is a spectacular failure we grade it on the "salt pork scale".  Nothing has ever topped it, but there have been some close seconds...

The crockpot balsamic chicken and pears recipe I got off the internet looked wonderful, the result, however was a crock pot full of a greyish paste with a heavy vinegar flavor.  Then there was the phyllo wrapped beef "thing".  The recipe made a ton and no one would touch it!

The biggest disaster wasn't the food though.  I make toffee every year at Christmas time, generally 20+ batches as people have come to expect receiving it.  One year I waited too late to get started and was up most of a weekend trying to get it all done.  Somehow I managed to dump 305 degree toffee liquid on my thumb, it solidifies quickly and hardens, attempting to peel it off was taking my skin with it, so I was trying to melt it with water...I had blisters and pain for weeks, I probably should have gone to the ER, but now it's just a reminder scar everytime I pull out the candy thermometer!

EveLGenius

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #93 on: January 24, 2013, 02:07:54 PM »
My father is a notable cook.  He is perhaps most notable for his blueberry-buckwheat pancakes, which are speckled gray all over with occasional blackened bits and taste like plastic, and for his hot-dogs-and-rice.  Did you know that cooking rice and hot dogs in the same dish results in pink rice?  The flavor is... indescribable.

The incident that has gone down in family legend, however, is the time my father received a bread machine for Christmas.  While he had never given any indication that he wanted a bread machine, when his friend mailed one to him, he was delighted.  So delighted that he insisted on using it RIGHT THAT SECOND.  The fact that we did not have bread-making ingredients did not slow him down in the slightest.  He was perfectly happy to use half whole-wheat flour and half cake flour, substitute baking powder for baking soda, use the leftover margarine when he didn't have enough butter, and when he ran out of margarine, the last teaspoon was olive oil.  Oh, and the yeast packet that had been unearthed from the spice drawer was listed "best used by [three years ago]." (Note: it's Christmas Day, so no stores are open.)

He assembled everything in the bread machine and turned it on.  The machine whirred quietly to itself, mixing the ingredients, and then paused to let the dough rise.  By the time the dough had risen, we had almost forgotten it was there, but when the machine started to knead the dough, we were reminded.  The poor machine started kneading with a gentle "wum... wum... wum..." sound, but soon changed to "wum...  wuuuumm... WUUM... WUUUeeeeem... WUU *CRACK!*"  At that point, it became completely silent, but the "baking" light turned on.

Two hours later, the house was filled with a not-unpleasant, but not-bread-like smell.  The machine gasped that it was finished, and Dad proudly got out a bread knife and the jam.  After about five minutes of swearing, a football-sized and -colored mass fell out of the bread machine onto the counter with a clunk.  The assembled family began giggling.  Dad tried to cut a slice of bread, but even with the bread knife was completely unable to penetrate the crust.  At one point, the loaf slipped out of his hands and fell on the floor with a noise approximately equivalent to that of a textbook being dropped from the same height.  The family by now was laughing out loud.  Dad expressed his firm desire to have a piece of that bread, and got out the hacksaw.  Ten minutes later, we were able to stop our hysterical laughter enough to prevent him from getting the hatchet, and someone hid the chainsaw.

The loaf, with a slightly scratched crust, retired in victory.  The bread machine disappeared into the attic, never to be seen again.  Dad will not allow discussion of his baking skills at any holiday gathering.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #94 on: January 24, 2013, 04:47:29 PM »
That was a touching, lovely, HILARIOUS story!
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Dr. F.

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #95 on: January 24, 2013, 05:46:15 PM »
Laughing that hard with my ribs already hurting from coughing was painful, but worth it.


Jaelle

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #96 on: January 24, 2013, 05:58:06 PM »
Quote
the hallways reeked of garlic for days!!

This sounds fantastic! I would have loved to come home from work to that lovely scent.

I used to live near a town that had a warehouse for spices.  Every so often, the WHOLE TOWN would smell like garlic.   I called it Heaven.   ;D

Slightly OT.

When I was dating Mr. Thipu, he lived across the street from a facility that roasted coffee.  You didn't need a cup in the morning.  All you had to do was open the window and inhale.  That was also what we called Heaven  ;D

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

When we lived in Carlisle you could smell the cracker factory (Carr's, I think) baking. Used to make me hungry as heck cause it smelled *fantastic*.,

My city smells like Cheerios.  ;D  (Seriously. They even sell T-shirts with that slogan on it.)
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Sebastienne

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #97 on: January 24, 2013, 10:14:55 PM »
I almost had one tonight! I was making pepperoni pizza from scratch, and it turns out the dried oregano I was about to put on top was actually mint. That would have been...interesting.

Bijou

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #98 on: January 24, 2013, 10:23:50 PM »
I stir fried some lean strips of pork yesterday and had just enough for today.  It was in one of my plastic storage containers.  I added some cubed extra firm tofu, garlic, ginger, sesame oil and set it aside while I stir fried the vegetables.  Unfortunately i set it on the back burner, was going to use the front burner for the veggies, and you guessed it.  I turned on the wrong burner (electric stove).  I noticed the melting plastic smell and darn!!!!!  I had to toss the whole thing out!  I had to settle for tofu, which I was lucky to have some left in the package, and veggies.  I had been saving that pork all day for my dinner! 

I added a little fermented black bean and garlic paste to the tofu nd veggies to make it a little more wicked and less bland.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2013, 10:25:22 PM by Bijou »
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JadeAngel

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #99 on: January 24, 2013, 11:22:42 PM »
An honorable mention goes to my cousin who made her mother's special recipe banana muffins and didn't realise that 1 tsp baking powder was not one tablespoon.

We took one of the muffins outside and threw it against a brick wall and it exploded in a cloud of dust...


A second honorable mention to my aunt who cooked a lovely meal for her dinner guests including cauliflower cheese. Being young and inexperienced she cooked the cauliflower and then used individually wrapped slices of cheese melted over each serve.

No, she didn't take the plastic off the cheese first... I'm told it was a taste sensation.


Final award (although it was not technically cooking) goes to my aunt and uncle who had a quite legendary housewarming party (before I was born) which devolved into an all in food fight. People were grabbing things from the pantry and hurling them across the kitchen, when some bright spark decided to up the ante by throwing cream of corn. Unfortunately he didn't think to remove it from the can.

My uncle had to have seven stitches.

Thipu1

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #100 on: January 25, 2013, 07:41:42 AM »
This thread has been an absolute hoot!  All the stories have been wonderful but I nominate the 'Christmas Bread Machine' for the top prize.


mechtilde

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #101 on: January 25, 2013, 07:49:34 AM »
"Lots of nutmeg" means different things to different people. Specifically it means a lot less nutmeg to a German lady born in the twenties than a Brit born in the seventies. It certainly doesn't mean a whole grated nutmeg...
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siamesecat2965

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #102 on: January 25, 2013, 11:25:08 AM »
I just remembered my dad's one and only kitchen mishap. Now he was an amazing cook. He also took over the cooking when he took early retirement, and loved doing it.

However, while he was still working, he got it in his head he wanted to make these:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%B6nigsberger_Klopse

However, and I'm not sure why, maybe due to cost, he decided ground turkey would be ok to use. the end result looked NOTHING like these. He also mashed it up so much it resembled paste and glue. They were truly nasty. evne the dog wouldnt' touch them, and she usually ate anything!

hermanne

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #103 on: January 25, 2013, 11:37:50 AM »
I just remembered my dad's one and only kitchen mishap. Now he was an amazing cook. He also took over the cooking when he took early retirement, and loved doing it.

However, while he was still working, he got it in his head he wanted to make these:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%B6nigsberger_Klopse

However, and I'm not sure why, maybe due to cost, he decided ground turkey would be ok to use. the end result looked NOTHING like these. He also mashed it up so much it resembled paste and glue. They were truly nasty. evne the dog wouldnt' touch them, and she usually ate anything!

I love meatballs with caper sauce! And I've used ground turkey and it turned out good. (and now I want some!)
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siamesecat2965

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #104 on: January 25, 2013, 01:00:31 PM »
I just remembered my dad's one and only kitchen mishap. Now he was an amazing cook. He also took over the cooking when he took early retirement, and loved doing it.

However, while he was still working, he got it in his head he wanted to make these:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%B6nigsberger_Klopse

However, and I'm not sure why, maybe due to cost, he decided ground turkey would be ok to use. the end result looked NOTHING like these. He also mashed it up so much it resembled paste and glue. They were truly nasty. evne the dog wouldnt' touch them, and she usually ate anything!

I love meatballs with caper sauce! And I've used ground turkey and it turned out good. (and now I want some!)

It was so long ago I honestly don't know what he used, but they resembled giant balls of mush, in glue. NO idea what or how he made them.