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Author Topic: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters  (Read 121582 times)

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EveLGenius

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #90 on: January 24, 2013, 01:07:54 PM »
My father is a notable cook.  He is perhaps most notable for his blueberry-buckwheat pancakes, which are speckled gray all over with occasional blackened bits and taste like plastic, and for his hot-dogs-and-rice.  Did you know that cooking rice and hot dogs in the same dish results in pink rice?  The flavor is... indescribable.

The incident that has gone down in family legend, however, is the time my father received a bread machine for Christmas.  While he had never given any indication that he wanted a bread machine, when his friend mailed one to him, he was delighted.  So delighted that he insisted on using it RIGHT THAT SECOND.  The fact that we did not have bread-making ingredients did not slow him down in the slightest.  He was perfectly happy to use half whole-wheat flour and half cake flour, substitute baking powder for baking soda, use the leftover margarine when he didn't have enough butter, and when he ran out of margarine, the last teaspoon was olive oil.  Oh, and the yeast packet that had been unearthed from the spice drawer was listed "best used by [three years ago]." (Note: it's Christmas Day, so no stores are open.)

He assembled everything in the bread machine and turned it on.  The machine whirred quietly to itself, mixing the ingredients, and then paused to let the dough rise.  By the time the dough had risen, we had almost forgotten it was there, but when the machine started to knead the dough, we were reminded.  The poor machine started kneading with a gentle "wum... wum... wum..." sound, but soon changed to "wum...  wuuuumm... WUUM... WUUUeeeeem... WUU *CRACK!*"  At that point, it became completely silent, but the "baking" light turned on.

Two hours later, the house was filled with a not-unpleasant, but not-bread-like smell.  The machine gasped that it was finished, and Dad proudly got out a bread knife and the jam.  After about five minutes of swearing, a football-sized and -colored mass fell out of the bread machine onto the counter with a clunk.  The assembled family began giggling.  Dad tried to cut a slice of bread, but even with the bread knife was completely unable to penetrate the crust.  At one point, the loaf slipped out of his hands and fell on the floor with a noise approximately equivalent to that of a textbook being dropped from the same height.  The family by now was laughing out loud.  Dad expressed his firm desire to have a piece of that bread, and got out the hacksaw.  Ten minutes later, we were able to stop our hysterical laughter enough to prevent him from getting the hatchet, and someone hid the chainsaw.

The loaf, with a slightly scratched crust, retired in victory.  The bread machine disappeared into the attic, never to be seen again.  Dad will not allow discussion of his baking skills at any holiday gathering.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #91 on: January 24, 2013, 03:47:29 PM »
That was a touching, lovely, HILARIOUS story!
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Dr. F.

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #92 on: January 24, 2013, 04:46:15 PM »
Laughing that hard with my ribs already hurting from coughing was painful, but worth it.


Jaelle

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #93 on: January 24, 2013, 04:58:06 PM »
Quote
the hallways reeked of garlic for days!!

This sounds fantastic! I would have loved to come home from work to that lovely scent.

I used to live near a town that had a warehouse for spices.  Every so often, the WHOLE TOWN would smell like garlic.   I called it Heaven.   ;D

Slightly OT.

When I was dating Mr. Thipu, he lived across the street from a facility that roasted coffee.  You didn't need a cup in the morning.  All you had to do was open the window and inhale.  That was also what we called Heaven  ;D

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

When we lived in Carlisle you could smell the cracker factory (Carr's, I think) baking. Used to make me hungry as heck cause it smelled *fantastic*.,

My city smells like Cheerios.  ;D  (Seriously. They even sell T-shirts with that slogan on it.)
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

Sebastienne

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #94 on: January 24, 2013, 09:14:55 PM »
I almost had one tonight! I was making pepperoni pizza from scratch, and it turns out the dried oregano I was about to put on top was actually mint. That would have been...interesting.

Bijou

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #95 on: January 24, 2013, 09:23:50 PM »
I stir fried some lean strips of pork yesterday and had just enough for today.  It was in one of my plastic storage containers.  I added some cubed extra firm tofu, garlic, ginger, sesame oil and set it aside while I stir fried the vegetables.  Unfortunately i set it on the back burner, was going to use the front burner for the veggies, and you guessed it.  I turned on the wrong burner (electric stove).  I noticed the melting plastic smell and darn!!!!!  I had to toss the whole thing out!  I had to settle for tofu, which I was lucky to have some left in the package, and veggies.  I had been saving that pork all day for my dinner! 

I added a little fermented black bean and garlic paste to the tofu nd veggies to make it a little more wicked and less bland.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2013, 09:25:22 PM by Bijou »
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

JadeAngel

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #96 on: January 24, 2013, 10:22:42 PM »
An honorable mention goes to my cousin who made her mother's special recipe banana muffins and didn't realise that 1 tsp baking powder was not one tablespoon.

We took one of the muffins outside and threw it against a brick wall and it exploded in a cloud of dust...


A second honorable mention to my aunt who cooked a lovely meal for her dinner guests including cauliflower cheese. Being young and inexperienced she cooked the cauliflower and then used individually wrapped slices of cheese melted over each serve.

No, she didn't take the plastic off the cheese first... I'm told it was a taste sensation.


Final award (although it was not technically cooking) goes to my aunt and uncle who had a quite legendary housewarming party (before I was born) which devolved into an all in food fight. People were grabbing things from the pantry and hurling them across the kitchen, when some bright spark decided to up the ante by throwing cream of corn. Unfortunately he didn't think to remove it from the can.

My uncle had to have seven stitches.

Thipu1

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #97 on: January 25, 2013, 06:41:42 AM »
This thread has been an absolute hoot!  All the stories have been wonderful but I nominate the 'Christmas Bread Machine' for the top prize.


mechtilde

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #98 on: January 25, 2013, 06:49:34 AM »
"Lots of nutmeg" means different things to different people. Specifically it means a lot less nutmeg to a German lady born in the twenties than a Brit born in the seventies. It certainly doesn't mean a whole grated nutmeg...
NE England

siamesecat2965

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #99 on: January 25, 2013, 10:25:08 AM »
I just remembered my dad's one and only kitchen mishap. Now he was an amazing cook. He also took over the cooking when he took early retirement, and loved doing it.

However, while he was still working, he got it in his head he wanted to make these:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%B6nigsberger_Klopse

However, and I'm not sure why, maybe due to cost, he decided ground turkey would be ok to use. the end result looked NOTHING like these. He also mashed it up so much it resembled paste and glue. They were truly nasty. evne the dog wouldnt' touch them, and she usually ate anything!

hermanne

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #100 on: January 25, 2013, 10:37:50 AM »
I just remembered my dad's one and only kitchen mishap. Now he was an amazing cook. He also took over the cooking when he took early retirement, and loved doing it.

However, while he was still working, he got it in his head he wanted to make these:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%B6nigsberger_Klopse

However, and I'm not sure why, maybe due to cost, he decided ground turkey would be ok to use. the end result looked NOTHING like these. He also mashed it up so much it resembled paste and glue. They were truly nasty. evne the dog wouldnt' touch them, and she usually ate anything!

I love meatballs with caper sauce! And I've used ground turkey and it turned out good. (and now I want some!)
Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!




siamesecat2965

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #101 on: January 25, 2013, 12:00:31 PM »
I just remembered my dad's one and only kitchen mishap. Now he was an amazing cook. He also took over the cooking when he took early retirement, and loved doing it.

However, while he was still working, he got it in his head he wanted to make these:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%B6nigsberger_Klopse

However, and I'm not sure why, maybe due to cost, he decided ground turkey would be ok to use. the end result looked NOTHING like these. He also mashed it up so much it resembled paste and glue. They were truly nasty. evne the dog wouldnt' touch them, and she usually ate anything!

I love meatballs with caper sauce! And I've used ground turkey and it turned out good. (and now I want some!)

It was so long ago I honestly don't know what he used, but they resembled giant balls of mush, in glue. NO idea what or how he made them.

Lynnv

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #102 on: January 25, 2013, 12:39:32 PM »
DH was reading over my shoulder and reminded me of his dear Grandmother.  As she got older, she got more and more frugal about food and she also got a little dotty.  One Christmas in her later years, she cooked the entire feast and was so proud because she made oyster dressing.  But you know how expensive oysters are.  Fish is just the same, right?  And she had some fish sticks in the freezer (note: they were well beyond the expiration date and were pretty freezer burned), so she used those instead.  But didn't adjust the baking time at all.  So they had frozen fish-stick flavored dressing.  Shudder.
Lynn

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EMuir

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #103 on: January 25, 2013, 01:12:40 PM »
Our star disasters include:

- the pressure cooker that blew its seal and sprayed pig juice all over the kitchen.  The kitchen was never so clean after we were done.  The pets helped and we knew where we'd missed by noticing where they were still licking.

- the bottle of syrup that fell off the top of the fridge, popped open when it hit the counter, bounced back up in a beautiful pirouette and sprayed syrup everywhere

- dropping a full bowl of gravy so that it fell perfectly bottom-down onto the floor, causing a circular tidal wave (why are our pets getting fatter anyway?)

Julian

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Re: S/O Proud kitchen moments -- Kitchen disasters
« Reply #104 on: January 25, 2013, 07:32:23 PM »
"Lots of nutmeg" means different things to different people. Specifically it means a lot less nutmeg to a German lady born in the twenties than a Brit born in the seventies. It certainly doesn't mean a whole grated nutmeg...

I found out a few months back that it is actually possible to have nutmeg poisoning - not from personal experience, but from auditing ER records which had reason for attendance on them.  I asked one of the doctors present who stated that yes, nutmeg can be quite toxic in anything other than 'sprinkle on your dessert' doses.

One of my many kitchen disasters.  Julian, aged around 10, learning to bake - at the time in the holiday house with the slow combustion wood oven.

The sponge cake was lovely and light - and looked like 2 pancakes joined with jam and cream.  Two teaspoons of flour isn't the same as two tablespoons.

The scones I was sure were done, but Mother Dearest who never baked a thing in her life but knew so much better, insisted they needed another 5 minutes.  Yup, burnt, charred little lumps...  they tasted pretty good once the char was knocked off though!

Out on the patio we'd sit,
And the humidity we'd breathe,
We'd watch the lightning crack over canefields
Laugh and think, this is Australia.

Ganggajang - Sounds Of Then (This Is Australia)