Would You Find This Insulting? UPDATE #15 , 37 and 78

[gena264]

I have a friend I have known since I was a kid. We recently reconnected on facebook and have had fun chatting and playing Words With Friends. He gets flirtatious once in awhile , but I don't think anything of it. I see him as an older brother. In the past year or so he has been asking to talk on the phone instead of chatting in email or on WWF. I have explained to him many times that I don't care for chatting on the phone. Today though, I feel he really crossed a line.

We were chatting in the WWF chat and playing the game when he made a joke about something (what it was is not important to the story). I replied back something like , "lol I'll take your word for it ". He then replied , " You haven't a choice in the matter. You are a HERMIT who RARELY goes out or calls anyone let alone friends or me. I'm the one who enjoys life in every meaning of the word, who explores the outer world and travels about freely...makes calls and LOVES PEOPLE. So you see my dear friend ,your voice and opinion is moot til you step up and join the rest of us on earth. " "dear". yes he used a smiley face and called me 'dear'.

I replied "lol I am not a hermit , I go out quite a bit. I just simply do not enjoy talking on the phone." "And I enjoy life very much."

He replied ," You should really talk to someone . You need to seek help for that phobia of yours. It's not right/ It makes you out to be antisocial my friend"

I replied " I don't have a phobia "  He then replied " Your behavior says something else. " I replied " well you are entitled to your opinion" . He replied " I don't know what else to say except weird attracts weird , like peanut butter and jelly , milk and cookies. I think it's weird not to talk on the phone" I replied ok.

Do you think he was out of line and/or insulting or am I being sensitive? I think I followed proper etiquette in my responses.  I am not sure how I feel about even talking to him again at this point .

[wheeitsme]

Erm...I hate to talk on the phone.  And it's not a phobia.  I'm phobic of falling from heights.  I just don't like the experience of the phone.  One is a preference and one isn't.

I try not to be too sensitive.  And I succeed most of the time.  Your "friend's" attitude is insulting. 

[CrochetFanatic]

I also hate talking on the phone, and I do have a social phobia.  Yes, I would find this very insulting, and I've gotten similar lectures from my know-it-all uncle.  "You can't live your life as a shut-in."  Can, will, and am.

Yes, I would be insulted, not to mention hurt.  You handled it much better than I would (and did).  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and he is not respecting yours.  As for what you should do?  Well...I couldn't say.  A cooling-off period to get your head in a calmer place might help, but others with wiser heads than mine might have something better.

[oceanus]

Of course he was insulting you.  I think you know that - no, you are not being too sensitive.

What I do not understand is why you replied to his insulting rant (actually it was an attack, his "dear" was sarcasm, and so was his - and you prefaced it with "lol".   There was nothing to "lol" about, and you should not have justified yourself.

He's angry because you don't want to get closer/talk on phone.  He is the one who has issues - he clearly does not handle rejection well.

I'd drop him.  Unfriend/block, and ignore.

[Aeris]

He's being a *giant* jack-knave. He's being insulting, dismissive, condescending, the whole gamut. He's also being really manipulative and bullying. He wants you to talk on the phone. You don't want to. So he tells you that you are sick, have a phobia, are sad and pathetic. The only way to prove to him that you are NOT sad and pathetic is to do want he wants - talk on the phone.

You could confront him about it, but honestly people who talk like this aren't going to believe they've done anything wrong, and they will continue to talk to you like they are patting you on the head. By the end of the confrontation, they might have even temporarily convinced you that you *do* have a problem and that he's actually superior to you.

If you confront him, don't do it with an attitude of trying to convince him he's wrong - that puts you in the position of looking for approval from him. Just tell him he's being a jerk, and that you don't need jerks in your life. If he apologizes, and stops being a jerk, then you could give him another chance.

If you don't confront him and continue socializing with him, you're just letting him know that talking to you like that is perfectly acceptable.

[delabela]

I don't know if I would find it insulting, as it comes across as plainly ridiculous and self-aggrandizing.  I do, however, think his intent was to belittle you, and if I was in your shoes, I would begin to limit contact.

[gena264]

Of course he was insulting you.  I think you know that - no, you are not being too sensitive.

What I do not understand is why you replied to his insulting rant (actually it was an attack, his "dear" was sarcasm, and so was his - and you prefaced it with "lol".   There was nothing to "lol" about, and you should not have justified yourself.

He's angry because you don't want to get closer/talk on phone.  He is the one who has issues - he clearly does not handle rejection well.

I'd drop him.  Unfriend/block, and ignore.

I really am upset with myself for that "lol" that I replied with. I think at first I thought he might have been joking. I know that sounds crazy, he sometimes jokes in a weird way and since it was in 'text' form... I don't know, I am making excuses really. I realize now I should have never used that 'lol".

[Allyson]

Manipulative. He was trying to get you to talk on the phone with him to get closer and more flirtatious. I've had this happen--someone will basically 'dare' me to something beyond my comfort level. And if I didn't, get angry or insulting.

Also, not wanting to talk on the phone is pretty common! I am an extrovert, in no way a hermit, and love to socialise and chat. And I hate the phone! It's uncomfortable on my ear and annoying. I prefer chatting online or in person!

[Aeris]

Of course he was insulting you.  I think you know that - no, you are not being too sensitive.

What I do not understand is why you replied to his insulting rant (actually it was an attack, his "dear" was sarcasm, and so was his - and you prefaced it with "lol".   There was nothing to "lol" about, and you should not have justified yourself.

He's angry because you don't want to get closer/talk on phone.  He is the one who has issues - he clearly does not handle rejection well.

I'd drop him.  Unfriend/block, and ignore.

I really am upset with myself for that "lol" that I replied with. I think at first I thought he might have been joking. I know that sounds crazy, he sometimes jokes in a weird way and since it was in 'text' form... I don't know, I am making excuses really. I realize now I should have never used that 'lol".

Don't spend too much time beating yourself up. We do weird stuff in the face of someone being a complete, over the top, belittling jerk. We try to normalize completely bizarre behavior in the moment.

Just focus on giving yourself permission to get your back up and say something blunt when someone talks to you like that.

[wheeitsme]

Of course he was insulting you.  I think you know that - no, you are not being too sensitive.

What I do not understand is why you replied to his insulting rant (actually it was an attack, his "dear" was sarcasm, and so was his - and you prefaced it with "lol".   There was nothing to "lol" about, and you should not have justified yourself.

He's angry because you don't want to get closer/talk on phone.  He is the one who has issues - he clearly does not handle rejection well.

I'd drop him.  Unfriend/block, and ignore.

I really am upset with myself for that "lol" that I replied with. I think at first I thought he might have been joking. I know that sounds crazy, he sometimes jokes in a weird way and since it was in 'text' form... I don't know, I am making excuses really. I realize now I should have never used that 'lol".

Don't spend too much time beating yourself up. We do weird stuff in the face of someone being a complete, over the top, belittling jerk. We try to normalize completely bizarre behavior in the moment.

Just focus on giving yourself permission to get your back up and say something blunt when someone talks to you like that.

Exactly.  Don't beat yourself up because you responded in a rational way to an irrational person.  That says somethig good about you.

[JenJay]

Manipulative. He was trying to get you to talk on the phone with him to get closer and more flirtatious. I've had this happen--someone will basically 'dare' me to something beyond my comfort level. And if I didn't, get angry or insulting.

Also, not wanting to talk on the phone is pretty common! I am an extrovert, in no way a hermit, and love to socialise and chat. And I hate the phone! It's uncomfortable on my ear and annoying. I prefer chatting online or in person!

I agree. I think he expected you to go "I'm not a hermit and I'll prove it! What's your number?" 

[Bijou]

Has it occurred to him that you do not like to talk to him on the phone?   Even though it isn't so, I'll bet it has and he may think you are limiting the kind of contact you have with him, in particular.  If you were not limiting it before, you may decide to do so now.  He sounds like an arrogant _____ (fill in blank).

[oceanus]

OP - the others are right.  Please don't beat yourself up.

True, "lol"ing and justifying yourself was not the thing to do, but I guess I can see that you were takeb aback and caught off guard.

But I also agree that this guy is manipulative.  And he is ticked off that you won't do what he wants.  I don't see "talking on the phone", phobia or no phobia, as the main issue.  It could just as easily be your choice not to eat a certain food, or see a particular movie.  He would attack and belittle.

I would not interact with this guy anymore.

[snowdragon]

your voice an dopinion don't matter until you act as he wants you to? Who the heck is he to decide that?! defriend and block and never look back

[gena264]

Has it occurred to him that you do not like to talk to him on the phone?   Even though it isn't so, I'll bet it has and he may think you are limiting the kind of contact you have with him, in particular.  If you were not limiting it before, you may decide to do so now.  He sounds like an arrogant _____ (fill in blank).

He actually did ask me if I just didn't want to talk to him in particular. I assured him that it wasn't *him*, I just didn't talk on the phone with my friends. I explained that my friends and I usually text or email (they all live out of my state and it is their preferred way of catching up/chatting too) . His response to that was , " LAME".