General Etiquette > Life...in general

The nature of social visits, and what changes them

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Shoo:
I'm guessing the title of this thread is confusing.  I couldn't figure out how to say what I'm trying to say!

When my dh and I were first married, he would sometimes invite his buddies to come over and hang out, watch the game, whatever.  This was okay by me, and I actually enjoyed having time to myself to do my own thing, or do nothing at all!  His guy friends being over didn't get in my way at all, and I like all of them very much.  I didn't feel the need to make sure I was always showered and primped.  If I wanted to hang out in my sweats or PJ's, it didn't bother me that they were there.  If I wanted to retreat to my bedroom early to watch TV and eat ice cream, it was fine all around.

There were a few times that dh would tell me so and so is coming over to hang out, and I'd be fine with it and THEN he'd tell me that his friend's wife or girlfriend was coming with him, but not to worry, she'll just be hanging out with the guys.

Now, to me, as soon as it's a "couple" coming over, it changes everything.  I can't just ignore them now.  I have to be in "hostess" mode.  When there's another woman in my home, there is no way in ehell I am going about my business as if she's not there.  Even if I'm not tight with her, and especially if I AM.

When this used to happen, I set about educating dh about this.  He resisted at first, saying dumb things like, "You don't have to hang out with us.  You can go to bed early.  No one expects you to socialize." 

Slowly but surely he began to understand what I was saying.  It's one thing when we've agreed to invite people over and I'm in the game too.  It's another thing when he tells me he's hanging out with his buddy and buddy brings his girlfriend along.  The two situations are like night and day, as far as I'm concerned.  One means I can do my own thing, the other means I have to play hostess whether I want to or not.

What say you all?  Ever have this come up in your relationship?

Shoo:
I just wanted to add that the turning point for my dh was when he and I went over to his friend's house.  I was under the impression that dh's friend and his wife were expecting us.  Turns out, friend was expecting dh, but not ME.  His wife was in her bathrobe, having just rushed out of the shower upon learning I was there.  She was very clearly NOT expecting me.

I read my dh the riot act on the way home and said, "See?  See how this works?  That is how *I* feel when someone I'm not expecting shows up.  Don't ever do this to me again, you clod!"

That' when he finally "got it."

MerryRaven:
I think it is degree of comfort with strangers.  

If I was good friends with a girlfriend and had known her before she hooked up with one of the guys, that would be less stressful than if I had never met her.

I understand how you feel.  I like to know people pretty well before I am comfortably relaxed around them.
And I don't quite mean it like I have just written either.

And I like to pick who and when I am the 'hostess' also.

I think it is degrees of familiarity.  There are people who can come into my home, go to the refrigerator and make a snack.  They know where everything is and I don't mind.  I have known them for years and they are like family.

There are others I greet at the door, show into the livingroom and get them food or drink and act as hostess and I am formally polite.  These are aquaintences.  

And there are degrees of this in between.  

This doesn't mean that I don't act as hostess with the family or am unfriendly with aquaintences, but family can drop in any old time (within reason).

LollyBee:
I know what you mean.  I don't think we've had any of DH's friends bring unexpected women with them, but I would feel the same as you.  

My DH has been known to invite his brother round "chat, chat chat, hey why don't you come round tonight & watch a horror film?"  And then complain to me in front of brother if I don't sit & watch horror film with them.

I like my BIL, I'm quite happy for him to be at ours, I'll make him a cup of tea.  But I don't like horror films, so if DH invites BIL round at short notice, I see that as the opportunity for me do to something else.

But if BIL's girlfriend was there, I'd feel I had to stay with them.

MineralDiva:
I agree completely.  When a couple is over, it's difficult not to play the hostess...whether you are in the mood to do so or not.  When it's just a buddy of DH, then they can be left alone to do whatever they're doing...and I'll pop in and out occasionally, either to be social or to make sure they have whatever they need.

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