Wait Until I Say "Come In"

[CrochetFanatic]

I'm finally back in my room after being out on the couch due to a ceiling leak, and I'm really enjoying the privacy!  What I don't enjoy is a new habit my mother seems to have picked up.  She'll knock on my door, and without waiting for an answer she'll try the knob.  The first time she did this, I hadn't locked my door.  I was just at my desk typing something up, but that isn't the point.  Company was over, and what if I'd been getting changed?  There's a clear view of my room from the end of the hallway!  I thought it was understood that my room was my space, even if it's in her house.  After that, I kept my door locked, which was my usual habit anyway.

I asked her if she could please wait until I answer, and not just walk in.  Nothing has come of it, except that she asked me the question she had come to ask me as if I hadn't spoken.  I just don't like my wish for privacy and respect being blatantly ignored. 

I don't know if this matters, but I'm 30 and still living at home because the job market is pretty bad where I am.  I know that people here look down on "freeloaders", and believe me, if I could find work I would at the very least pay rent...and move out if I made enough.  I hate being dependent at 30, I'm ashamed of it.  I know that I am lucky, and I'm grateful.

Is there anything I can say that I haven't already said, short of telling her to get out?  (That doesn't work either, and usually gets, "Well, you don't have to be nasty!" for my troubles.)

[LeveeWoman]

Why not just keep the door locked?

[CrochetFanatic]

I do, but once in a blue moon I forget.  It just bugs me to hear her rattling the knob and telling me to let her in.  Sort of, "What's the point of knocking if you're going to let yourself in anyway?" 

[TaurusGirl]

I was in a similar situation when I had to move home with my mother for a few months in my mid-twenties. In her mind, I was still 15 and she just defaulted to entering.

 I ended up installing a doorknob that was locked all the time; anytime I closed the door, it locked automatically. Is that an option for you?

[CrochetFanatic]

Probably not.  It's tempting, though. 

[rose red]

I think you just need to keep remembering to lock the door.  Have a sign on the inside of the door.  When you close the door, the sign is staring you in the face to remind you.

[CrochetFanatic]

That's a good idea! 

[sweetonsno]

What a difficult situation.

You have to remember to lock the door. I like the idea of a sign. The next time she tries the knob when you are in the room and says, "Open the door!" respond, "Just a minute, I'm not dressed!" or "Hang on, need to get my shirt on" or something similar. Even if you're not in a partial state of undress, you'll be showing her that you are not always "decent," so she can't just come in. I'd do this EVERY time she pulls this when there are guests over. The key here is that you aren't telling her in an abstract way not to barge in, you're showing her, in the moment, why she can't.

I would also suggest having a conversation during a neutral time. See if you can work out some solutions.

Why is it that she needs to come into your room? If stuff is stored there, maybe you could see about moving it, or you could be pro-active and ask her if she needs to get to the double damask that is stored in the closet before she tries to invade your space. Are there books or office supplies there? Maybe she could let you know when she's running low and it can be your responsibility to get it out of your room and put it in the office.

Is she bored/lonely/just wanting to talk to you? Make a point of having coffee or tea with her every day and chatting for awhile. It could also be that she feels that you are a guest and she should be entertaining you.

Is she worried you're becoming depressed? Does she think you aren't doing enough? Try spending more time in the "public" areas of the house. Go out of your way to do "little things" for her. Help her unload the dishwasher. Chat while you are sorting the spoons. Talk about current events and the garden (or whatever).

Does she think you aren't looking hard enough for jobs? If you have a computer in your room, schedule a time when you will look for (and apply for) jobs each day. Let her know what you're doing, and ask that she not disturb you in case you are on the phone with a potential employer. Then follow through. If you keep a digital list of where you applied and when, print it out so you have a physical copy. Talk to your Mom about it.

Also, if you want to try and make a little cash while you're searching, maybe you could put some innovative crocheted items on etsy.

[Cat-Fu]

I'd start hanging around in my room naked all the time. 

[Mental Magpie]

I'd start hanging around in my room naked all the time. 

I might, too, if a sit down about boundaries didn't work.

[WillyNilly]

I think you should just lock the door. Yeah it's annoying but ultimately your mother doesn't't have to ask permission to open doors in her house. Of course'd be nice if she did, but there's no polite way to school your mom on manners regarding her house, so you have to do what you can to control the situation.

[cabbagegirl28]

I'd start hanging around in my room naked all the time. 

I might, too, if a sit down about boundaries didn't work.

However, some parents don't have a problem with walking in anyway, because "I changed your diapers, so I know what you look like." I don't know the OP's parents, so I am not speaking for them. However, there is always that possibility.

[katycoo]

I think you should just lock the door. Yeah it's annoying but ultimately your mother doesn't't have to ask permission to open doors in her house. Of course'd be nice if she did, but there's no polite way to school your mom on manners regarding her house, so you have to do what you can to control the situation.

If the mother as homeowner has no obligation to ask prmission to open the doors, what right does OP have to instal a lock?  i'd have a MUCH bigger problem with that if I was the homeowner.

Honestly the naked plan is what I'd do.  it sounds PA, but if asking her doesn't work, showing her might.

[WillyNilly]

I think you should just lock the door. Yeah it's annoying but ultimately your mother doesn't't have to ask permission to open doors in her house. Of course'd be nice if she did, but there's no polite way to school your mom on manners regarding her house, so you have to do what you can to control the situation.

If the mother as homeowner has no obligation to ask prmission to open the doors, what right does OP have to instal a lock?  i'd have a MUCH bigger problem with that if I was the homeowner.

Honestly the naked plan is what I'd do.  it sounds PA, but if asking her doesn't work, showing her might.

OP said she has a lock, she just forgets to use it occasionally.

[Mental Magpie]

I think you should just lock the door. Yeah it's annoying but ultimately your mother doesn't't have to ask permission to open doors in her house. Of course'd be nice if she did, but there's no polite way to school your mom on manners regarding her house, so you have to do what you can to control the situation.

Does that mean the mom has the right to walk into a bathroom when the door is shut?  How about when she has a guest staying in her spare room (if she had one), does that mean any time that door was close she would still doesn't have to ask permission to walk in?

I think the mother does have to ask permission to open doors in her own house because it is rude not to do so.  (I wanted to say etiquette dictates it, but I do not have time to search for a source at the moment.  I will check in about 30 minutes when I get home).