Author Topic: Wait Until I Say "Come In"  (Read 7568 times)

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MrTango

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2013, 06:21:23 PM »
Next time she demands to be let in, ask her (through the closed and locked door) what she wants.

Another option is that when you do open the door, stand directly in the door way so she cannot walk into your room without knocking you over.

WillyNilly

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #16 on: January 21, 2013, 06:29:09 PM »
I think you should just lock the door. Yeah it's annoying but ultimately your mother doesn't't have to ask permission to open doors in her house. Of course'd be nice if she did, but there's no polite way to school your mom on manners regarding her house, so you have to do what you can to control the situation.

Does that mean the mom has the right to walk into a bathroom when the door is shut?  How about when she has a guest staying in her spare room (if she had one), does that mean any time that door was close she would still doesn't have to ask permission to walk in?

I think the mother does have to ask permission to open doors in her own house because it is rude not to do so.  (I wanted to say etiquette dictates it, but I do not have time to search for a source at the moment.  I will check in about 30 minutes when I get home).

It might be rude of the mom, but it's just as rude for OP to call her mothers rudeness out, or to try to school her mother in manners in the mothers house that she has been generous enough to open to her adult daughter. IMO theOP's best course of action is to simply control herself and consider her mothers behavior as part of the cost of living in her mothers house.

TootsNYC

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #17 on: January 21, 2013, 06:35:20 PM »
Do you ever spent time in your room with the door OPEN?

If you did that a bit more, then your mom could ask you questions without having to knock, and then when your door WAS closed, she might respect it more.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #18 on: January 21, 2013, 06:37:29 PM »
I think you should just lock the door. Yeah it's annoying but ultimately your mother doesn't't have to ask permission to open doors in her house. Of course'd be nice if she did, but there's no polite way to school your mom on manners regarding her house, so you have to do what you can to control the situation.

Does that mean the mom has the right to walk into a bathroom when the door is shut?  How about when she has a guest staying in her spare room (if she had one), does that mean any time that door was close she would still doesn't have to ask permission to walk in?

I think the mother does have to ask permission to open doors in her own house because it is rude not to do so.  (I wanted to say etiquette dictates it, but I do not have time to search for a source at the moment.  I will check in about 30 minutes when I get home).

It might be rude of the mom, but it's just as rude for OP to call her mothers rudeness out, or to try to school her mother in manners in the mothers house that she has been generous enough to open to her adult daughter. IMO theOP's best course of action is to simply control herself and consider her mothers behavior as part of the cost of living in her mothers house.

To call it out, yes rude, but to ask her to refrain from doing so and to explain the reasons why?  Not rude, IMO.  I also don't think OP should have to put up with her mother's invasion of privacy simply because she is living under her mother's roof.  Put up with boring TV and not everything she would always like for dinner?  Yes, but not a lack of privacy for an adult.
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CrochetFanatic

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #19 on: January 21, 2013, 07:07:35 PM »
I do spend some time with my door open, especially now that it's cold and my room isn't well-heated.  And for the reasons stated by other posters, I can't replace the doorknob with one that automatically locks because it's technically their door. 

This is something new, which is why I'm annoyed and somewhat at a loss.  I realize that it's their house, and she's the mother and I'm the daughter, but we're all adults living here.  It would sort of be nice if we could actually interact like adults full-time instead of falling back on old habits. 

In a way, it's almost funny the way these exchanges go.

Mom: *knocks, jiggles doorknob*
Me: *grits teeth, answers in a normal tone* Yeah?
Mom: *not sounding angry, just requesting* Open the door.
Me: For what?
Mom: Can you open the door?
Me: *sighs, gets up and opens it to come out, and she's standing almost with her nose to the door* Yes?

So, when do I get to be an adult?  ;D

But seriously, the sign idea is a good one, and I'll try talking to her again.  Thanks.

TootsNYC

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #20 on: January 21, 2013, 08:39:43 PM »
Start treating your bedroom door like a real "front door."

If she knocked on the door of your apartment, you might say (if she could hear you), "coming!"

Or, you wouldn't say anything, and you'd just get up, go over, and open the door, right?

So do that. Don't say "yeah?" when she wiggles the doorknob. That's the routine for teenagers, and it's time for you to start setting the stage for adult interaction. So start modeling it.

Don't say "what for?" when she says "open the door." Again, that's teenager routine.

In fact, don't ever let it get that far.

She knocks; you get up and go answer. You stand in the doorway, and say, "Oh, hello!" And then she can either ask you whatever it was she asked you face-to-face, or you can decide you want to say, "Oh, come in, Mom," and step back to allow her in, and welcome her exactly the way you would if you were living in a separate apartment and she dropped by.

For one thing, if it's clear that she completely interrupts you every single time she knocks at your door, she might interrupt you less often.

lkdrymom

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2013, 09:36:30 PM »
My kids are 16 & 17. Ever since they got a sense of privacy (around the age of 8)I would NEVER even think of just barging into their room without their consent. I always knock and wait for an answer. 

My grandmothe was the worst at this. My father HAD to leave his door open because it was her house and she had a right to know what he was doing at all times. (even when he was an adult). She had major boundary issues.

CakeEater

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #22 on: January 22, 2013, 08:47:01 PM »
I do spend some time with my door open, especially now that it's cold and my room isn't well-heated.  And for the reasons stated by other posters, I can't replace the doorknob with one that automatically locks because it's technically their door. 

This is something new, which is why I'm annoyed and somewhat at a loss.  I realize that it's their house, and she's the mother and I'm the daughter, but we're all adults living here.  It would sort of be nice if we could actually interact like adults full-time instead of falling back on old habits. 

In a way, it's almost funny the way these exchanges go.

Mom: *knocks, jiggles doorknob*
Me: *grits teeth, answers in a normal tone* Yeah?
Mom: *not sounding angry, just requesting* Open the door.
Me: For what?
Mom: Can you open the door?
Me: *sighs, gets up and opens it to come out, and she's standing almost with her nose to the door* Yes?

So, when do I get to be an adult?  ;D

But seriously, the sign idea is a good one, and I'll try talking to her again.  Thanks.

Sorry, but I think your mother's right here.

I wouldn't want to have a loudish conversation through a locked door either. If I knock on a door, I'd expect it to be opened before the conversation began.

The conversation above sounds pretty teenager-ish on your end. Sorry.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #23 on: January 22, 2013, 08:50:36 PM »
I do spend some time with my door open, especially now that it's cold and my room isn't well-heated.  And for the reasons stated by other posters, I can't replace the doorknob with one that automatically locks because it's technically their door. 

This is something new, which is why I'm annoyed and somewhat at a loss.  I realize that it's their house, and she's the mother and I'm the daughter, but we're all adults living here.  It would sort of be nice if we could actually interact like adults full-time instead of falling back on old habits. 

In a way, it's almost funny the way these exchanges go.

Mom: *knocks, jiggles doorknob*
Me: *grits teeth, answers in a normal tone* Yeah?
Mom: *not sounding angry, just requesting* Open the door.
Me: For what?
Mom: Can you open the door?
Me: *sighs, gets up and opens it to come out, and she's standing almost with her nose to the door* Yes?

So, when do I get to be an adult?  ;D

But seriously, the sign idea is a good one, and I'll try talking to her again.  Thanks.

Sorry, but I think your mother's right here.

I wouldn't want to have a loudish conversation through a locked door either. If I knock on a door, I'd expect it to be opened before the conversation began.

The conversation above sounds pretty teenager-ish on your end. Sorry.

Why can't the mom just say, "I'd like to talk to you face to face" then instead of playing the "open the door" ad nauseum game?  I think the mom is being more teenager-ish than the OP.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

CakeEater

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #24 on: January 22, 2013, 09:08:43 PM »
I do spend some time with my door open, especially now that it's cold and my room isn't well-heated.  And for the reasons stated by other posters, I can't replace the doorknob with one that automatically locks because it's technically their door. 

This is something new, which is why I'm annoyed and somewhat at a loss.  I realize that it's their house, and she's the mother and I'm the daughter, but we're all adults living here.  It would sort of be nice if we could actually interact like adults full-time instead of falling back on old habits. 

In a way, it's almost funny the way these exchanges go.

Mom: *knocks, jiggles doorknob*
Me: *grits teeth, answers in a normal tone* Yeah?
Mom: *not sounding angry, just requesting* Open the door.
Me: For what?
Mom: Can you open the door?
Me: *sighs, gets up and opens it to come out, and she's standing almost with her nose to the door* Yes?

So, when do I get to be an adult?  ;D

But seriously, the sign idea is a good one, and I'll try talking to her again.  Thanks.

Sorry, but I think your mother's right here.

I wouldn't want to have a loudish conversation through a locked door either. If I knock on a door, I'd expect it to be opened before the conversation began.

The conversation above sounds pretty teenager-ish on your end. Sorry.

Why can't the mom just say, "I'd like to talk to you face to face" then instead of playing the "open the door" ad nauseum game?  I think the mom is being more teenager-ish than the OP.

MM - I think we're stalking each other today!  ;D

I think that by requesting the door be opened - request was the OP's word - that Mom is saying just that. Why else would she ask for the door to be opened?

bopper

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #25 on: January 23, 2013, 09:31:30 AM »
"Hey mom, I wanted to tell you something I noticed.  When I am in my room, I close the door mostly to keep the heat in, not because I am trying to hide from you.  So when you want to talk to me, would you mind just knocking instead of trying to open the door?  I feel like if I happened to be getting dressed you may just walk in and nobody wants that!  I promise when you knock I will say "Be right there" or "Hold on,  I am getting changed" and I will get up and open the door right away or when I finish changing.  Sound good?"

You have to re-write the script.  It's like when a parent calls out the name of their kid.  Always what we want is for the kid to come, not for them to say "What" and then we have to say "Come here".  So your mom just wants to talk to you without having to go through a whole thing. Make it easy for her. 

citadelle

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2013, 10:41:50 AM »
Adults living together is challenging, particularly parents and adult children. Even when my 18-year-old daughter comes home to visit from college, the dynamic has changed. I am no longer completely in the "parent" role, but the new relationship is a grey area.

With my daughter, we sat down over a cup of coffee and talked about our pet peeves. She told me that she is annoyed when I make her bed up (an implication that she won't do it herself, she says). I told her that I didn't like wet towels in a pile, etc. We were able to come to an agreement about a list of several items that each of us would like to see the other do or not do.

I think the reason it went well for us is partially because it was a give and take, rather than one of us coming across like we had a litany of complaints. It was a negotiation and we had a sense of equality and respect. In the rare chance that an item on the list is ignored, we are able to mention it with a light tone and a reminder of the agreement.

Perhaps such a negotiation could work for you, too, OP. Good luck.

Cami

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #27 on: January 23, 2013, 10:44:12 AM »
I do spend some time with my door open, especially now that it's cold and my room isn't well-heated.  And for the reasons stated by other posters, I can't replace the doorknob with one that automatically locks because it's technically their door. 

This is something new, which is why I'm annoyed and somewhat at a loss.  I realize that it's their house, and she's the mother and I'm the daughter, but we're all adults living here.  It would sort of be nice if we could actually interact like adults full-time instead of falling back on old habits. 

In a way, it's almost funny the way these exchanges go.

Mom: *knocks, jiggles doorknob*
Me: *grits teeth, answers in a normal tone* Yeah?
Mom: *not sounding angry, just requesting* Open the door.
Me: For what?
Mom: Can you open the door?
Me: *sighs, gets up and opens it to come out, and she's standing almost with her nose to the door* Yes?

So, when do I get to be an adult?  ;D

But seriously, the sign idea is a good one, and I'll try talking to her again.  Thanks.

Sorry, but I think your mother's right here.

I wouldn't want to have a loudish conversation through a locked door either. If I knock on a door, I'd expect it to be opened before the conversation began.

The conversation above sounds pretty teenager-ish on your end. Sorry.

Why can't the mom just say, "I'd like to talk to you face to face" then instead of playing the "open the door" ad nauseum game?  I think the mom is being more teenager-ish than the OP.

MM - I think we're stalking each other today!  ;D

I think that by requesting the door be opened - request was the OP's word - that Mom is saying just that. Why else would she ask for the door to be opened?

I'm somewhat confused as to what the OP expects from her mother given that she's asking mom why she wants her to open the door.  Is mom to knock on the door and announce what she wants and then the OP decides if she'll deign to open it? 

If this were the OP's real front door and her mother were knocking on it, would she refuse to answer the door until mom said -- through the door --  what she wanted?


MrTango

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #28 on: January 23, 2013, 11:39:15 AM »
I do spend some time with my door open, especially now that it's cold and my room isn't well-heated.  And for the reasons stated by other posters, I can't replace the doorknob with one that automatically locks because it's technically their door. 

This is something new, which is why I'm annoyed and somewhat at a loss.  I realize that it's their house, and she's the mother and I'm the daughter, but we're all adults living here.  It would sort of be nice if we could actually interact like adults full-time instead of falling back on old habits. 

In a way, it's almost funny the way these exchanges go.

Mom: *knocks, jiggles doorknob*
Me: *grits teeth, answers in a normal tone* Yeah?
Mom: *not sounding angry, just requesting* Open the door.
Me: For what?
Mom: Can you open the door?
Me: *sighs, gets up and opens it to come out, and she's standing almost with her nose to the door* Yes?

So, when do I get to be an adult?  ;D

But seriously, the sign idea is a good one, and I'll try talking to her again.  Thanks.

Sorry, but I think your mother's right here.

I wouldn't want to have a loudish conversation through a locked door either. If I knock on a door, I'd expect it to be opened before the conversation began.

The conversation above sounds pretty teenager-ish on your end. Sorry.

Why can't the mom just say, "I'd like to talk to you face to face" then instead of playing the "open the door" ad nauseum game?  I think the mom is being more teenager-ish than the OP.

MM - I think we're stalking each other today!  ;D

I think that by requesting the door be opened - request was the OP's word - that Mom is saying just that. Why else would she ask for the door to be opened?

I'm somewhat confused as to what the OP expects from her mother given that she's asking mom why she wants her to open the door.  Is mom to knock on the door and announce what she wants and then the OP decides if she'll deign to open it? 

If this were the OP's real front door and her mother were knocking on it, would she refuse to answer the door until mom said -- through the door --  what she wanted?

After re-reading the OP, I think the issue is more that the OP's mother knocks and then immediately tries the knob to see if the door is locked rather than waiting for the OP to respond.

To use your analogy above: it's as if the OP's mother walks up to the OP's real front door, knocks, and then immediately tries the knob to let herself in rather than waiting for the OP to respond.  That seems rude.

Personally, I think the OP should tell her mother that she would appreciate it if mom would knock and then wait for a response before just trying the knob.

Also, I'm of the opinion that the OP has every right to say that she's busy (and has no need to elaborate on what she's "busy" with) and she'll talk to mom later.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Wait Until I Say "Come In"
« Reply #29 on: January 23, 2013, 12:00:56 PM »
Iím reminded of an episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa knocks on her parentsí bedroom door and then barges in.

Heathcliff: Donít just barge in here.  After you knock, wait for me to ask who it is, then you say who it is and wait for us to tell you to come in.  Letís try it again.

Vanessa: knock knock

Heathcliff: Who is it?

Vanessa: Who it is.
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