Wait Until I Say "Come In"

[LeveeWoman]

I’m reminded of an episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa knocks on her parents’ bedroom door and then barges in.

Heathcliff: Don’t just barge in here.  After you knock, wait for me to ask who it is, then you say who it is and wait for us to tell you to come in.  Let’s try it again.

Vanessa: knock knock

Heathcliff: Who is it?

Vanessa: Who it is.

Just thinking of that episode cracks me up.

[Tea Drinker]

It sounds like part of what's going on here is that the OP's mother expects to be able to interrupt whatever the OP is doing: there doesn't seem to be a way for her to say "I'm busy, I'll talk to you in a bit."

I might close my door for any number of reasons, ranging from not wanting to hear a television elsewhere in the house when I'm listening to music, to changing clothes, to wanting to concentrate on something important, to napping. I would hate living in a situation where someone else assumed that their desire to talk to me always overrode my desire to be alone for a bit.

One way to reframe this might be for the OP to say "Mom, I need some time to myself, and sometimes when I'm alone it's because I need to concentrate on something. If my door is closed, it's important to me that nobody interrupt me unless it's important, because even a quick question about dinner can make me lose my train of thought, and make it hard for me to get things done. I'm not hiding from you, we spend time together just about every day" (and maybe give examples). That would need to come with a discussion of what counts as important for these purposes, and maybe agree to take regular time to discuss joint plans, or individual plans that will affect each other (anyone planning not to be home for dinner, for example, if you currently eat together).

[RooRoo]

If Mom is jiggling the doorknob, she's trying the door. In other words, if the door was not locked, she would be knocking and immediately walking in.

One does not do this to grownups.

Mom: *knocks, jiggles doorknob*
Me: *grits teeth, answers in a normal tone* Yeah?
Mom: *not sounding angry, just requesting* Open the door.
Me: For what?
Mom: Can you open the door?
Me: *sighs, gets up and opens it to come out, and she's standing almost with her nose to the door* Yes?

Crochet Fanatic, is this by any chance a “script” written back when you were a teenager? I’m still amazed at how easy it was for me to fall back into such patterns with my Mom, even in my 40s. And I was only visiting.

So, listen to the Wisdom of Toots. Her script is a good one.

Mental Magpie put it into its simplest form:

I think the mother does have to ask permission to open doors in her own house because it is rude not to do so.

No matter who does it, entering a person’s private room when the door is closed is rude. Once Mom generously gave the OP the room, it became the OP's private place.

It would still have been rude even when the OP was a teenager living at home. Once adult behavior is expected, it is expected of all adults.

[BeagleMommy]

Once DS turned 13 and started getting a sense of modesty I started knocking on his bedroom door and waiting to be acknowledged.  DH prefers to shout from another floor. 

OP, would it be helpful to sit with your mom and simply ask for what you want?  Example:

OP:  Mom, after you knock on my bedroom door, please wait until I come to open it before twisting the doorknob.

She may not even realize that she's doing this.

[CrochetFanatic]

@RooRoo, yeah, it's pretty much always been like that.  Except before, she wouldn't try the doorknob and I would be drawing in a breath to answer when she knocks a second time.  I used to hate that, but I think I prefer it over her just walking in.

I did have a talk with my mother about it, and it went very well.  She said she would try to remember in the future, and that she just wasn't thinking.  I think she was probably used to having access to me whenever she felt like it, because I was on the living room couch for a while. 

Little side-story as to why I was out there for so long: the roof leaked right on my bed two years ago, completely ruining it, and in the interim between that and when it was fixed, my room was designated an impromptu storage space.  After the roof was fixed, my room was still full of everyone's junk.  It was a big cleaning job, and things kept coming up to interrupt it.  We finally finished with that and replaced the bed a little less than two weeks ago.  So, maybe her new habit stems from her being unused to my being behind a closed door.  All I know is, I've only just gotten some measure of true privacy back, and I'd like it to be real privacy that I have some say in.

Anyway, we were able to discuss it like adults, with limited results.  She already forgot once, caught herself doing it when she found the door locked, and said, "Oh, sorry.  Can I talk to you, please?"  So...I think she is trying to break the habit, and she just hadn't been thinking.

[MrTango]

@RooRoo, yeah, it's pretty much always been like that.  Except before, she wouldn't try the doorknob and I would be drawing in a breath to answer when she knocks a second time.  I used to hate that, but I think I prefer it over her just walking in.

Okay, that would infuriate me to the point where I probably wouldn't answer at all.

[wheeitsme]

Anyway, we were able to discuss it like adults, with limited results.  She already forgot once, caught herself doing it when she found the door locked, and said, "Oh, sorry.  Can I talk to you, please?"  So...I think she is trying to break the habit, and she just hadn't been thinking.

That sounds like it's going to improve!  That was nice of her to apologize.

[bopper]

And from Mom's point of view...I may knock on my 19 yr old duaghter's door because I want to talk to her.  I may or may not get some sort of acknowledgement or if I do I can't hear what she is saying.   So I may knock again or say that I would like to talk to her and I get a "I HEARD YOU" obnoxiousness.  If it something of benefit to her that i would like to talk to her about  I have taken to just walking away if she is obnoxious.

[BatCity]

I wish I could just suggest what happened the last time my mom did the Knock and Enter, but it involved my husband and a game of Scrabble.

It sure worked like a charm, though.

[TootsNYC]

@RooRoo, yeah, it's pretty much always been like that.  Except before, she wouldn't try the doorknob and I would be drawing in a breath to answer when she knocks a second time.  I used to hate that, but I think I prefer it over her just walking in.

I did have a talk with my mother about it, and it went very well.  She said she would try to remember in the future, and that she just wasn't thinking.  I think she was probably used to having access to me whenever she felt like it, because I was on the living room couch for a while. 

Little side-story as to why I was out there for so long: the roof leaked right on my bed two years ago, completely ruining it, and in the interim between that and when it was fixed, my room was designated an impromptu storage space.  After the roof was fixed, my room was still full of everyone's junk.  It was a big cleaning job, and things kept coming up to interrupt it.  We finally finished with that and replaced the bed a little less than two weeks ago.  So, maybe her new habit stems from her being unused to my being behind a closed door.  All I know is, I've only just gotten some measure of true privacy back, and I'd like it to be real privacy that I have some say in.

Anyway, we were able to discuss it like adults, with limited results.  She already forgot once, caught herself doing it when she found the door locked, and said, "Oh, sorry.  Can I talk to you, please?"  So...I think she is trying to break the habit, and she just hadn't been thinking.

Great! Yay, Mom!

Now it's time for you to do your part. Get up and answer the door every time she knocks. Don't say, "What?" Just go answer. It might be good to call out "Coming!" so she gets an immediate response. Or you can call out "It's open!" But don't have a conversation through the door. THAT is very teenagery, which is not where either of you are currently headed.

[GratefulMaria]

We use Google chat -- sometimes the kids don't hear us knock, or we don't want to go upstairs.  I am a slacker.

[lisastitch]

My DD is in a similar situation--she's moved home, and would rather be somewhere else.  I try to give her privacy, but at the same time, I'll say to you what I say to her.  It may help you understand where your mom is coming from.

I really hate talking to a closed door.  I'm willing to knock, but please respond quickly.  If there's a reason for keeping your door closed (such as being undressed), fine, but otherwise, please open the door, or tell me to open it so I can talk to you face to face.

I'm also not necessarily knocking to chat, but to check on something ("do you plan to be here for dinner?").   Please don't make me stand around outside your door, twiddling my thumbs, awaiting your response.   Again, respond quickly.

While it may be obvious to you that you're in your room, it's not necessarily obvious to me.   If I knock and there's no answer, I may open the door to see whether you're in your room and asleep, or whether you've gone out.  Again, a quick response averts that.

Good luck with the adjustments!

[bopper]

There is another solution to this...get your mom and iphone and have her text you her questions!