Awful Uncle

[katycoo]

I think its weird that they enclosed the cheque with the wedding card, as though it was some kind of wedding gift from beyod the grave.

But mostly I just don't understand the note: "I know your mom would have wanted you to have this."

Well, obviously.  She left it to him in her will.  Which is why I don't understand the subsequent argument about whether or not MIL said that.  She may not have verbally expressed it, but she did so in writing.

I tend to think Uncle overreacted to the note, but not really knowing the timeline, their relationship or his feelings on his mum's passing, I can't really guage whether I think he overreacted.   

But I think the whole thing is weird.

[twilight]

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think the uncle is more in the wrong.  I do think it was a bit odd the way your mother presented the check.  It should not have been done in a wedding card and the wording is confusing and seems to imply she is giving him a gift rather than the share of his inheritance to which he is entitled.  But to me the uncle sounds like someone who is looking for offense.   He way over-reacted and unless there is some additional back story here he should have given your mother the benefit of the doubt that her intentions were good despite her awkward methods.   

Edited to add:  Was your mom trying to say, so sad that mom is not here but she would have been happy that you are able to make use of your inheritance as you begin your new married life?

[Mental Magpie]

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think the uncle is more in the wrong.  I do think it was a bit odd the way your mother presented the check.  It should not have been done in a wedding card and the wording is confusing and seems to imply she is giving him a gift rather than the share of his inheritance to which he is entitled.  But to me the uncle sounds like someone who is looking for offense.   He way over-reacted and unless there is some additional back story here he should have given your mother the benefit of the doubt that her intentions were good despite her awkward methods.   

Edited to add:  Was your mom trying to say, so sad that mom is not here but she would have been happy that you are able to make use of your inheritance as you begin your new married life?

I kind of lean towards this, too.  I think what the mom did was thoughtless (as in she did not think it through before she did it), but it seems like it came from the right place.

[kudeebee]

I think your thread title is misleading.  I am not sure uncle is awful, at least in this instance.

Your parents were wrong to include the inheritance check in with the wedding card and your mom was wrong in including the note.  If my spouse and i opened up a wedding card with a check, we would assume that it was a wedding gift, not an inheritance check.  If I had read the note "I know your mom would have wanted you to have this.", I would have thought it was a wedding gift from mom, that she had told brother/sil that she wanted to give me something for my wedding even if she wasn't around, that she still cared for me even if i wasn't the best child in terms of visiting or helping her.  It would have raised my hopes and then when I called your mom, only to be told she had not said that, that it was my inheritance check, that my sil had thought it was a nice thing to write, I would be mad and upset and probably not handle myself the best.  Which is what uncle did.

Your mom was wrong to mislead him as she did.  The inheritance check should have been given separately, not in the wedding card.  I think her heart was in the right place, thinking that the newlyweds could probably use the rest of uncle's inheritance as they started their new life.  But the check should have been presented differently, separately, from the wedding card and without the note.  It was not something his mom would have wanted him to have, it was his due to the provisions of the will.  A different note with the check "thought you could use the rest of your inheritance as you two start your new life together" would have been much better and not misleading.

Could/Should uncle have handled it better?  Yes.  He could/should have waited to send the email for a day or so until he calmed down, chosen his words better.  Yet, in some ways i don't blame him for being upset.  Your parents started it and misled him/misrepresented the money.

To hold a grudge against him for this is wrong.  Both your parents and he were wrong and hopefully they have apologized to each other and gotten past it.

[Mental Magpie]

I think your thread title is misleading.  I am not sure uncle is awful, at least in this instance.

Your parents were wrong to include the inheritance check in with the wedding card and your mom was wrong in including the note.  If my spouse and i opened up a wedding card with a check, we would assume that it was a wedding gift, not an inheritance check.  If I had read the note "I know your mom would have wanted you to have this.", I would have thought it was a wedding gift from mom, that she had told brother/sil that she wanted to give me something for my wedding even if she wasn't around, that she still cared for me even if i wasn't the best child in terms of visiting or helping her.  It would have raised my hopes and then when I called your mom, only to be told she had not said that, that it was my inheritance check, that my sil had thought it was a nice thing to write, I would be mad and upset and probably not handle myself the best.  Which is what uncle did.

Your mom was wrong to mislead him as she did.  The inheritance check should have been given separately, not in the wedding card.  Could/Should uncle have handled it better?  Yes.  He could/should have waited to send the email for a day or so until he calmed down, chosen his words better.  Yet, in some ways i don't blame him for being upset.  Your parents started it and misled him/misrepresented the money.

To hold a grudge against him for this is wrong.  Both your parents and he were wrong and hopefully they have apologized to each other and gotten past it.

This just stuck out to me, but would you actually call and ask if that's what your now deceased mother had said?  I didn't think about this before, but I don't see the motivation in asking (why the uncle did, either) if that was my assumption (that grandma had actually said that).

[delabela]

I think your thread title is misleading.  I am not sure uncle is awful, at least in this instance.

Your parents were wrong to include the inheritance check in with the wedding card and your mom was wrong in including the note.  If my spouse and i opened up a wedding card with a check, we would assume that it was a wedding gift, not an inheritance check.  If I had read the note "I know your mom would have wanted you to have this.", I would have thought it was a wedding gift from mom, that she had told brother/sil that she wanted to give me something for my wedding even if she wasn't around, that she still cared for me even if i wasn't the best child in terms of visiting or helping her.  It would have raised my hopes and then when I called your mom, only to be told she had not said that, that it was my inheritance check, that my sil had thought it was a nice thing to write, I would be mad and upset and probably not handle myself the best.  Which is what uncle did.

Your mom was wrong to mislead him as she did.  The inheritance check should have been given separately, not in the wedding card.  I think her heart was in the right place, thinking that the newlyweds could probably use the rest of uncle's inheritance as they started their new life.  But the check should have been presented differently, separately, from the wedding card and without the note.  It was not something his mom would have wanted him to have, it was his due to the provisions of the will.  A different note with the check "thought you could use the rest of your inheritance as you two start your new life together" would have been much better and not misleading.

Could/Should uncle have handled it better?  Yes.  He could/should have waited to send the email for a day or so until he calmed down, chosen his words better.  Yet, in some ways i don't blame him for being upset.  Your parents started it and misled him/misrepresented the money.

To hold a grudge against him for this is wrong.  Both your parents and he were wrong and hopefully they have apologized to each other and gotten past it.

Ah, this kind of set off a light bulb for me - it sounds like it truly could have been confusing for the uncle to get the check and the message.  He did entirely overreact, and should have been more understanding to what your mom was trying to do.  Maybe there's room on both sides to see where the communication went wrong. 

[Yvaine]

I think your thread title is misleading.  I am not sure uncle is awful, at least in this instance.

Your parents were wrong to include the inheritance check in with the wedding card and your mom was wrong in including the note.  If my spouse and i opened up a wedding card with a check, we would assume that it was a wedding gift, not an inheritance check.  If I had read the note "I know your mom would have wanted you to have this.", I would have thought it was a wedding gift from mom, that she had told brother/sil that she wanted to give me something for my wedding even if she wasn't around, that she still cared for me even if i wasn't the best child in terms of visiting or helping her.  It would have raised my hopes and then when I called your mom, only to be told she had not said that, that it was my inheritance check, that my sil had thought it was a nice thing to write, I would be mad and upset and probably not handle myself the best.  Which is what uncle did.

Your mom was wrong to mislead him as she did.  The inheritance check should have been given separately, not in the wedding card.  Could/Should uncle have handled it better?  Yes.  He could/should have waited to send the email for a day or so until he calmed down, chosen his words better.  Yet, in some ways i don't blame him for being upset.  Your parents started it and misled him/misrepresented the money.

To hold a grudge against him for this is wrong.  Both your parents and he were wrong and hopefully they have apologized to each other and gotten past it.

This just stuck out to me, but would you actually call and ask if that's what your now deceased mother had said?  I didn't think about this before, but I don't see the motivation in asking (why the uncle did, either) if that was my assumption (that grandma had actually said that).

He may have had suspicions that she hadn't really said that, if their relationship was bad. Or it may have been out of happiness and hope--kind of an "oh wow, did she really say that about me?" combined with being curious about what exactly his mom had said.

I do think he lashed out rudely, but I wonder if the whole thing was kind of a shock and painful to him.

[Mental Magpie]

I think your thread title is misleading.  I am not sure uncle is awful, at least in this instance.

Your parents were wrong to include the inheritance check in with the wedding card and your mom was wrong in including the note.  If my spouse and i opened up a wedding card with a check, we would assume that it was a wedding gift, not an inheritance check.  If I had read the note "I know your mom would have wanted you to have this.", I would have thought it was a wedding gift from mom, that she had told brother/sil that she wanted to give me something for my wedding even if she wasn't around, that she still cared for me even if i wasn't the best child in terms of visiting or helping her.  It would have raised my hopes and then when I called your mom, only to be told she had not said that, that it was my inheritance check, that my sil had thought it was a nice thing to write, I would be mad and upset and probably not handle myself the best.  Which is what uncle did.

Your mom was wrong to mislead him as she did.  The inheritance check should have been given separately, not in the wedding card.  Could/Should uncle have handled it better?  Yes.  He could/should have waited to send the email for a day or so until he calmed down, chosen his words better.  Yet, in some ways i don't blame him for being upset.  Your parents started it and misled him/misrepresented the money.

To hold a grudge against him for this is wrong.  Both your parents and he were wrong and hopefully they have apologized to each other and gotten past it.

This just stuck out to me, but would you actually call and ask if that's what your now deceased mother had said?  I didn't think about this before, but I don't see the motivation in asking (why the uncle did, either) if that was my assumption (that grandma had actually said that).

He may have had suspicions that she hadn't really said that, if their relationship was bad. Or it may have been out of happiness and hope--kind of an "oh wow, did she really say that about me?" combined with being curious about what exactly his mom had said.

I do think he lashed out rudely, but I wonder if the whole thing was kind of a shock and painful to him.

Ah, that makes more sense.  Thanks for clearing up that!

[MsMarjorie]

I agree with the majority of posters that say your mother started this and is in the wrong.  Its the note itself that makes me really annoyed "I know your mom would have wanted you to have this."  Of course his mother wanted him to have this, she left it to him in her will.

It also sounds a little patronising, not something one would expect from peer to peer but from a family matriach/patriach.

[Yvaine]

But to me the uncle sounds like someone who is looking for offense.   

On the other hand, I can also see this. The TY note lecture would fit well with that too.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think your dad's family just doesn't get along well with one another, and people are overreacting to things because of other, underlying, resentments.

[kudeebee]

If your relationship with your mom had been rocky or you felt you had not done your best in helping her, i think you would call to find out if that is what she really said/felt.  You could be holding out the "she loved me even though I didn't treat her the best" hope.  To then find out it was just a message sil thought would be nice, could be very hurtful and /or make you feel even worse.

As I said earlier, I hope that they have all been able to work through this and reestablish a relationship.

[Bluenomi]

I think the OP's mum was fine sending the cheque in the card, after all she knew he'd get it that way. Uncle was just rude.

[AnnaJ]

I don't think it was appropriate to mail the check as part of a congratulations for the wedding or for your mom to have added the note.  As several people have said, obviously your grandmother wanted your uncle to have the money since she left it to him - it had nothing to do with his marriage, he would have received the money regardless of the wedding.

Your mother may have thought what she wrote was a positive thing, but she really was putting words in your grandmother's mouth (so to speak) which was not fair to your uncle; I suspect part of the reason he was upset was that he may have thought his mother had actually said those things and was very disappointed to find out your mother in essence made up the words.

Your parents deserve kudos for taking the bulk of the responsibility for caring for your grandmother and it was unfair that your dad's siblings didn't do their part, but that is a separate issue from your uncle's inheritance.

[Specky]

Uncle was incredibly rude.  I don't see where your Mom did anything wrong. 

[mj]

If your relationship with your mom had been rocky or you felt you had not done your best in helping her, i think you would call to find out if that is what she really said/felt.  You could be holding out the "she loved me even though I didn't treat her the best" hope.  To then find out it was just a message sil thought would be nice, could be very hurtful and /or make you feel even worse.

As I said earlier, I hope that they have all been able to work through this and reestablish a relationship.

Agreed.  And since Uncle didn't help out, it goes along with some deeper issues that he and his Mom had between each other.  No one probably knows the true cause of it besides him and his Mom.  Even siblings really don't know the extent of things.  It's really not for anyone to insert themselves into anyway. 

But knowing that background, it really does make sense that he would call possibly to find out anything more his mother had said.  Only to find out she didn't say any of it.  Sad.