Awful Uncle

[HenrysMom]

Also, by your mother giving your uncle his inheritance check in a wedding card, it could be argued that the money was a wedding present, to be split between husband and wife, rather than an inheritance, which belonged to your uncle alone.  Your mother clouded the issue of "whose money was it anyway?"

[Ceallach]

If I borrowed $100 from my brother, the time to repay the loan would not be along with his wedding gift - and essentially this is what the lady did in this case.   She gave him his own money along with his wedding gift.  I agree with those who point out how confusing this could be - was it a gift in addition to his inheritance?    It really had no place being connected.   Truly bizarre. 

Uncle responded very rudely which I assume was due to being emotional and possibly confused about the situation.  Doesn't justify his behaviour but it is a little understandable.   Nobody here comes out smelling likes roses I'm afraid.

[AngelicGamer]

You know... I wonder if this situation wouldn't have gone better with a little white lie.  Just to smooth things over and because sometimes it is better, especially in time of grief, to sugar coat things.  It was a bit of time after his mother died, but it's his mother.  I'd give a good amount of time with sugar coating things, at least a year but more depending on the illness or closeness. 

OP, for your questions, I think your mom was a bit in the wrong.  If she wanted to make sure that your uncle got the money, she could have sent it certified mail.  If she did want to make a nice gesture, then she needed to be prepared to follow up what she wrote with the white lie of "yes, she did".  There were probably still a lot of wounds when the thank you note came up.  I do have a question - did he ever send a thank you note for the wedding present?  The real present, not the check of his inheritance. 

[LifeOnPluto]

Add me to the camp that says giving Uncle his inheritence check in the wedding card was an odd thing to do.

And the note from the OP's mum makes things even more confusing. To me, it suggests that the OP's parents (as executors) had decided to give Uncle a bit extra (in addition to his rightful share of the estate).

And finally, the fact that this came from Uncle's sister in law (rather than his own brother) may have seemed quite presumptuous to him.

Of course, this doesn't excuse Uncle blowing up at the OP's parents. But I don't think they're entirely blameless either.

[oceanus]

I’m not going to make any judgments about uncle’s not helping out (that you know of) or about uncle’s relationship with his mother.  However, if the relationship had been really bad, I don’t think she would have left him an equal share of the inheritance – although that is JMHO.

The wedding was not the place to his uncle his share of the house sale proceeds – that should have been totally separate.  By doing so, and making a brief comment, it opened up Pandora’s Box.

He got to thinking, became upset, and BAM!  He overanalyzed and overreacted.  Just because she cried does not make uncle an awful person and it does not mean he was rude.

OP, I don’t understand; what is your question?  Are you asking what to do?  I say stay out of it.  There is nothing you can do.  It’s really between your mother and her brother.  Your initial post does not ask for advice – it seems like a vent.

[WillyNilly]

And, he has displayed a pattern of rather brusque behavior.  For example, a few years earlier, he had sent my a Christmas present and I forgot to send him a thank-you note.  Wrong of me, I know, but he ended up emailing my dad and telling him that he thought they had raised me wrong.

Depending on how he worded this its not such an awful thing.  I've spoken to my brother about how frustrating it is for me to never know if gifts I send to his kids even arrive, let alone if they are appreciated, because I don't get a call or a note. And I have, in a candid, sibling to sibling way, asked if that's the kind of parent he is and if that's the kind of kid he wants to raise. Because really, its hurtful to only have UPS sending me anything to say "hey it got there."  I want me niece and nephews to be the kind of people who graciously reach out to say thanks and not the kind of people who don't, and I feel like as his sister, I can be direct about discussing my brother's kids behavior with him. No I don't get to make his decisions or order him around, but I can talk with him about it - I think that's a lot better then just silently stewing.

[TootsNYC]

part of the strength of his reaction may have come because he didn't at first recognize that this was the inheritance check but was in fact something extra. And he may have thought the inheritance check was still coming.

And then to realize that this is all there is, when he'd had time to build up a hope that there would be more to use for planning his life with his new wife would have been disappointing.

People who are executors of wills need to behave in a far more businesslike manner in everything connected to the will and the inheritance.

[mich3554]

Someone else brought up a very valid point....

By your mom enclosing her BIL's check in a wedding card, it implies wedding gift.  However, an inheritance is not community property and her move did a bit to blur the line.  Should your uncle and his bride ever part, she could potentially receive half.

[gramma dishes]

Also, by your mother giving your uncle his inheritance check in a wedding card, it could be argued that the money was a wedding present, to be split between husband and wife, rather than an inheritance, which belonged to your uncle alone.  Your mother clouded the issue of "whose money was it anyway?"

LOL!  Thank you for bringing this up.  I thought of that too, but was afraid to mention it.  At least now I know there are two of us who considered that.

[sparksals]

Someone else brought up a very valid point....

By your mom enclosing her BIL's check in a wedding card, it implies wedding gift.  However, an inheritance is not community property and her move did a bit to blur the line.  Should your uncle and his bride ever part, she could potentially receive half.

POD!  He may have had no intention of including in marital assets.  The OP's mother stepped way over the line.

Referring to Uncle as awful is a huge stretch since his inheritance was made marital property without.his permission or knowledge.

[sparksals]

Also, by your mother giving your uncle his inheritance check in a wedding card, it could be argued that the money was a wedding present, to be split between husband and wife, rather than an inheritance, which belonged to your uncle alone.  Your mother clouded the issue of "whose money was it anyway?"

LOL!  Thank you for bringing this up.  I thought of that too, but was afraid to mention it.  At least now I know there are two of us who considered that.

As an fyi...I also brought this up early in the thread.  That is my major bone of contention with this entire situation.   This was a huge interference in his personal finances.

[gramma dishes]

Also, by your mother giving your uncle his inheritance check in a wedding card, it could be argued that the money was a wedding present, to be split between husband and wife, rather than an inheritance, which belonged to your uncle alone.  Your mother clouded the issue of "whose money was it anyway?"

LOL!  Thank you for bringing this up.  I thought of that too, but was afraid to mention it.  At least now I know there are two of us who considered that.

As an fyi...I also brought this up early in the thread.  That is my major bone of contention with this entire situation.   This was a huge interference in his personal finances.

I'm sorry, Sparksals!!   
I see that you certainly did mention it first.  I missed it somehow.  I really do try so hard to be careful to give credit where credit is due.  My humble apologies!   

[Mental Magpie]

I realize this is probably a huge difference in how people view things, but to me, anything that is mine is my spouse's.  We have equal access to everything (except my chocolate! that's all mine, my own, my precious!).  Ahem.  If I got an inheritance, it would be for both of us because it would go in our joint bank account.  We would, together, choose how to spend it. 


Edit: typo.

[KenveeB]

I don't think that Uncle reacted well, but I can see how he could have reacted out of hurt and disappointment. Likewise, I think Mom's heart was in the right place, but she didn't think things through and inadvertantly caused a lot of hurt. Neither is blameless, but neither is a bad person for what they did. I think that a lot of it is blown up on both sides due to the pre-existing bad blood.

[sparksals]

I realize this is probably a huge difference in how people view things, but to me, anything that is mine is my spouse's.  We have equal access to everything (except my chocolate! that's all mine, my own, my precious!).  Ahem.  If I got an inheritance, it would be for both of us because it would go in our joint bank account.  We would, together, choose how to spend it. 


Edit: typo.

People do think very differently on that topic...What comes my family is MINE to determine, not a SIL.  I received one and kept it separate.  The OP's mom took away that option from her BIL.   You may choose a different method, but I know my parents would want ME to have and keep full control of their hard earned funds.