Author Topic: Awful Uncle  (Read 6241 times)

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Mental Magpie

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Re: Awful Uncle
« Reply #45 on: January 21, 2013, 10:33:52 PM »
I realize this is probably a huge difference in how people view things, but to me, anything that is mine is my spouse's.  We have equal access to everything (except my chocolate! that's all mine, my own, my precious!).  Ahem.  If I got an inheritance, it would be for both of us because it would go in our joint bank account.  We would, together, choose how to spend it. 


Edit: typo.

People do think very differently on that topic...What comes my family is MINE to determine, not a SIL.  I received one and kept it separate.  The OP's mom took away that option from her BIL.   You may choose a different method, but I know my parents would want ME to have and keep full control of their hard earned funds.

I'll definitely agree, though, that it is most certainly not the SIL's to determine.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

gramma dishes

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Re: Awful Uncle
« Reply #46 on: January 21, 2013, 10:54:03 PM »
...What comes my family is MINE to determine, not a SIL.  I received one and kept it separate.  The OP's mom took away that option from her BIL.   You may choose a different method, but I know my parents would want ME to have and keep full control of their hard earned funds.

 


That's how I feel too. 

If I died and left my own and my husband's hard earned and hard saved money to one of my kids, I would be giving the money to HER or to HIM.  If s/he wanted to get married and share it halvsies, fine.  If s/he didn't, also fine.  But it should be my son's or daughter's choice, not some other relative like my 'married in' brother-in-law (my sister's husband) making that decision for them.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2013, 10:56:31 PM by gramma dishes »

JoieGirl7

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Re: Awful Uncle
« Reply #47 on: January 22, 2013, 12:01:42 AM »
It's simply not appropriate to use a card for a milestone  whether its a birthday, wedding, funeral or whatever to insert some other topic that is unrelated.

Putting that check in a birthday card would be just as wrong.  It's not that its confusing its that its inappropriate.  It's mixing a business relationship with a business relationship.
 
And I will comment on the background that was provided about uncle and the other siblings not being involved in grandma's care.  That is their choice to make.  They are adults and cannot be coerced to do something they don't want to do.  Expecting them to do it is not reasonable.
 
In fact, there are certain situations where I could see a sibling staying as far away from a situation like that as possible.  It seems that the OPs parents were grandma's point people.  Under those circumstances, I could see the OPs mom using that position to insist that uncle do all sorts of things--I make that judgement on the slim but rather significant faux pas of her being condescending in the wedding card.

She could be deigning to speak for this man's mother because she was around her more in her last days and that not only us not fair, its rude.

It also could have been taken as a criticism--"she would have wanted you to have this".... <and unspoken> "even tho you did nothing in her last years to deserve it."
 
I know what its like to have family members decide for you what your contribution to a parent's care should be.  There is already enough complicated emotions going on with the illness and death of a parent without one's sister or brother in law complicating it with expectations.
 
As to the OPs parents taking care of the estate:  also their choice to take it on.  Just because someone names you as an executor doesn't mean you have to serve.  Also, in most cases even family members that serve as executors may be paid for their services.

So, I really don't have all that much sympathy for the OPs parents.  They made their choices in choosing to visit her every day and to disperse the will.  Other adults made different choices.

Neither side has any right to criticize the other as to those choices.  If uncle had wanted to be an executor he could have pursued that.

The thing that bothers me the most about this is that this mother is sharing all of this with the OP.  Also, an email reducing you to tears because it takes you to task over your rudeness?  Oh well, grow up.  Her response doesn't mean that he was rude.

This is, after all, a mother who negatively characterizes the uncle's very justifiable criticism of the OPs very rude behavior in not acknowleging gifts that he sent.