Author Topic: How to respond?  (Read 3678 times)

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shutterbug94

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How to respond?
« on: January 22, 2013, 03:56:48 PM »
I am afraid I may have put too much identifying info in this.  Thanks to those who have responded!  I appreciate the feedback.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2013, 07:15:44 PM by shutterbug94 »

TurtleDove

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2013, 04:05:35 PM »
1.  I would talk with your BF and have him address this with his family.

2.  Unless these are people you are likely to see again, I would let it go.  It is hurtful, yes, but making a big deal over insensitive and rude comments is not likely to change the people who made the comments and is likely to give those same people free space in your head.  Not engaging is the way to go, IMHO.

citadelle

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2013, 04:11:17 PM »
There may be circumstances that you are unaware of. Have they gotten close to your BF's dates in the past, only to have them break up? Are they still very close to the ex? These would be less about you and more about past history with him. I would give it time. If they get to know you and you become more of a fixture, I hope they will warm up.

TurtleDove

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2013, 04:13:57 PM »
There may be circumstances that you are unaware of. Have they gotten close to your BF's dates in the past, only to have them break up? Are they still very close to the ex? These would be less about you and more about past history with him. I would give it time. If they get to know you and you become more of a fixture, I hope they will warm up.

I don't disagree with this entirely, but the OP has been dating her BF for 4 years and they live together.  I am guessing that the past plays a role here, but at this point the BF needs to step up and say, "OP is here to stay - please accept that and treat her as my SO."

BeagleMommy

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2013, 04:22:00 PM »
OP, I think your BF should address his family by saying "It really hurts me when you forget/neglect to include OP on invitations.  I am sharing my life with her and want her to be included."

As for the other, I think you did fine by leaving if the crowd of gawkers were making you uncomfortable.  Otherwise, you could have stayed and just ignored.

Although, Evil BeagleMommy would have placed a big, wet, smackeroo of a kiss on BF after the "gross" comment.  She's bad like that.  >:D

Mikayla

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2013, 04:45:15 PM »
Recently there was a family wedding that I was not invited to attend even though bf and I have been a couple for almost 4 years and we live together.  They did, however, invite his ex-wife.  BF asked about it and they said they intended to invite me but forgot. 

What happened after this?  Did both of you go?  Just him?  What about the ex?

I'm not sure how much of this is etiquette vs relationship advice, but if all your BF did was ask about it, he needs to up his game.  This was a direct slam on you personally, and it's not your job to address it - it's his. 

On the event where your kids weren't invited, that doesn't bother me quite as much,  because your kids aren't stepkids to them.  They're his gf's children.  It would have been polite to include them, but I don't think it's wrong not to. 

2.  There is a 20 year age gap between bf and myself and sometimes when in public, people make wrong assumptions about our relationship.  Should I correct these assumptions? [/quote]

No, it sounds like a waste of time.   It doesn't matter what mouthy strangers think.

Eden

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2013, 04:48:37 PM »
1. I might bend the etiquette rules a little bit in this situation and maybe ask BF to call up the host/hostess and say, "Oh, you must have forgotten, Shutterbug has two children. I know the other cousins/stepchildren are invited, so shall I assume we can bring them?"

2. I would probably not have handled this gracefully, I'm afraid. The very least I probably would have done is stare directly back at them so they know I heard them and didn't appreciate it.

Snooks

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2013, 04:56:16 PM »
Is there a chance they thought that you would be uncomfortable being around his ex at the wedding?

Shoo

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2013, 05:00:04 PM »
Your boyfriend needs to step up and address this.  You and he are a social unit and should be invited together, regardless of whether or not his ex-wife is invited.

As for his children being invited and not yours, well....  your children are not his step-children, as you are not married.  Sorry, I can't see anything wrong with not inviting your children.


Redneck Gravy

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2013, 05:33:00 PM »
Your boyfriend needs to step up and address this.  You and he are a social unit and should be invited together, regardless of whether or not his ex-wife is invited.

As for his children being invited and not yours, well....  your children are not his step-children, as you are not married.  Sorry, I can't see anything wrong with not inviting your children.

Pod to Shoo.

bah12

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2013, 05:44:26 PM »
This is something your bf needs to address with his family...down to whether or not your children are/should have the same preferences as other stepchildren in the family.  I personally don't think you have to be married for your kids to get those same considerations.  But that is a family thing that I'm sure varies.  If I were you, I would very much put this on your bf.  You are a social unit, so if you aren't invited to a wedding, where he is, he needs to step up and say "Shutterbug and I are in a committed relationship.  Please invite us to events as a couple.  If she is not invited/welcome, than I won't be attending."

As for comments/looks that you get from strangers.  I'd let it go.  People are mean and judgemental.  That's a reflection of them, not you.  Engaging them and correcting them just gives them something more to latch on to and gossip about.  You don't need that.  It will be a lot easier on you in the long run to ignore and forget them. 

JenJay

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2013, 06:30:02 PM »
1. I agree that your BF needs to speak up.
2. "Actually we're the same age, I just look that good!"  >:D

Piratelvr1121

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2013, 06:59:11 PM »
First thing that came to mind was to wonder if his ex was closer to his age and so the family is having a bit of a judgemental reaction to him being with a younger woman.  Course it may be totally unrelated, but it made me wonder. 

But I agree, your BF should be the one to address his family on this, especially after 4 years of this?

Then there's the strangers. I'm with the others. Ignore 'em!
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

shutterbug94

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2013, 07:03:16 PM »
OP here.  He did speak up about the wedding and was told he could bring me that they had just forgotten about me, I believe that is why I was invited to the upcoming event. I am the only woman bf has brought around his extended family since his wife left him, 7 years ago.  They are not close to his ex but at the time of the wedding there was a lot of contact between the ex and his family because his son was also getting married and they were sharing info. She is his age and doesn't approve of our relationship

As for the family gathering -  It was very odd for written invitations to be sent out.  According to bf, it has always been a word of mouth sort of invite.  It's a potluck, so very informal. I've always gone in the past, it's an annual thing. I didn't really expect my children to be invited and I certainly wouldn't bring them if they had been.  I just think it wasn't very welcoming to not include them when the family is aware that they live with us and that bf is involved in their lives.  It just seems very much like they do not care whether they make me feel included. I haven't mentioned my perceived slight at the family gathering invite and I won't.  I'm afraid I'll come across as looking for a reason to not go (and I kinda am!)  And I guess it's not important if they don't like me.  Bf loves me and his children love me and that's what is important.


Shoo

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Re: How to respond?
« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2013, 11:29:03 PM »
I didn't really expect my children to be invited and I certainly wouldn't bring them if they had been.  I just think it wasn't very welcoming to not include them when the family is aware that they live with us and that bf is involved in their lives.  It just seems very much like they do not care whether they make me feel included.

You're right about your kids (I changed my mind!).  Since they live with the two of you, then I think they should be included in family events.  In my response before, I wasn't thinking about that aspect of it.  And I agree with you, too, that they're not being very welcoming. 

I would guess they are being passive-aggressive in expressing their disapproval of your age difference.  I hope they get over it.  They're being really unfair to you.