Author Topic: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?  (Read 3471 times)

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AylaM

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Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« on: January 22, 2013, 10:22:50 PM »
I am part of a bowling team.  I must pay even if I am not there to play.   I socialize with my team, and am friendly with the opposing teams.  We chat and cheer and high-five all the time.   On a normal day I'm pretty peppy.  If someone cheers I'll acknowledge the cheers for me or consolations. I'll offer them for others.  And we high-five when we do well.  And we high-five when we do badly.  And there are always congratulations and consolations being exchanged.  It is constant chatter.  This isn't all teams, some are rather quiet and laid back.  But in general our team isn't.

On occasion, when I show up I really don't feel like being happy and peppy and chatty.  It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.  I was just wondering if I should be staying home when I don't feel like socializing.  I have no problems answering necessary questions, but I don't want to participate in the chatter and cheering and dancing.  I'm fine sitting and listening, but I just don't feel like talking or high-fiving everyone every thirty seconds.

Is it rude to show up when I'm not feeling like myself?  On one hand I am paying for it even if I don't go, so I don't want to skip it.  On the other hand I am not sure if I am bringing others down.   And if I try to say "I'm fine, I'm just not feeling very sociable tonight"  it seems to encourage them to ask a million questions about why I'm upset.  Which I'm not.  I just would rather not talk.   I haven't been able to find a way to say "Look, I don't feel like talking or dancing or cheering tonight.  I'm not mad or upset or feeling ill.  I'm not feeling out of sorts.  I'm not tired.  I'm not grumpy.  I'm not mad at you.  You guys can carry on like normal, but I'm not gonna be my normal chatty, dancing, silly, peppy self.  I feel fine, I just don't feel like talking."

SpikeMichigan

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2013, 11:20:03 PM »

 I don't think its ever rude to just send your regrets, if you're not feeling up to it.

 Provided you still pay, if that's obligatory, then you should never have to attend if you don't want to. Many people have times when they just don't feel that sociable, and if its not a frequent thing, its nothing to worry about.

snowdragon

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2013, 11:30:31 PM »
I don't think you're rude to participate in something you have to pay for, even if you are not chatty or bubbly - there are varying degrees of socialness and one can enjoy one self with out being the life of the party. If someone questions you - just say 'I am just in a quiet mood" and go from there.

buvezdevin

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2013, 11:56:47 PM »
If you are part of a team, that generally involves a commitment which is not negated by your feelings, unless they are sufficiently related to an unforeseen reason you genuinely cannot attend, or if your team participation was explicitly stated as "when I feel like being there."

If your participation in team efforts is likely to be impacted by unpredictable, but not infrequent reluctance on your part to participate in a team activity - don't sign up for that team activity.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
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Allyson

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2013, 12:13:49 AM »
I don't think not being peppy makes you rude to go. If you were seriously grouchy and antisocial, I would feel differently. If you're just quiet? No problem. Not everyone in an activity needs to be bouncy and happy every time. So long as you aren't being a Cloud of Doom and making it seem like you really don't want to be there. I've had people do the latter and it's uncomfortable. But just being quieter than usual? Not a problem.

random numbers

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2013, 12:32:45 AM »
I haven't been able to find a way to say "Look, I don't feel like talking or dancing or cheering tonight.  I'm not mad or upset or feeling ill.  I'm not feeling out of sorts.  I'm not tired.  I'm not grumpy.  I'm not mad at you.  You guys can carry on like normal, but I'm not gonna be my normal chatty, dancing, silly, peppy self.  I feel fine, I just don't feel like talking."

Maybe phrase it differently, using positive words instead of mad or upset or ill.

"Hey, guys, don't mind me, just feeling mellow/zen/Yodaish tonight."

Yvaine

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2013, 12:35:50 AM »
If you are part of a team, that generally involves a commitment which is not negated by your feelings, unless they are sufficiently related to an unforeseen reason you genuinely cannot attend, or if your team participation was explicitly stated as "when I feel like being there."

If your participation in team efforts is likely to be impacted by unpredictable, but not infrequent reluctance on your part to participate in a team activity - don't sign up for that team activity.

This is where I'm at. OP, do your absences affect your team's score? I have a friend who has a bowling team, and it can be a problem when not enough people show up. The main reason I've never joined this bowling team--since she has told me that stinking at bowling need not be a deterrent ;) --is that I know I wouldn't be able to make it to bowling as consistently as is needed (though for different reasons).

Yvaine

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2013, 12:38:13 AM »
I haven't been able to find a way to say "Look, I don't feel like talking or dancing or cheering tonight.  I'm not mad or upset or feeling ill.  I'm not feeling out of sorts.  I'm not tired.  I'm not grumpy.  I'm not mad at you.  You guys can carry on like normal, but I'm not gonna be my normal chatty, dancing, silly, peppy self.  I feel fine, I just don't feel like talking."

Maybe phrase it differently, using positive words instead of mad or upset or ill.

"Hey, guys, don't mind me, just feeling mellow/zen/Yodaish tonight."

Heck, I don't even see a problem with a white lie about being a little tired. I tend to assume most adults are tired much of the time for one reason or another, and no one is really offended about it. :)

AylaM

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2013, 12:49:32 AM »
I think that I have been misunderstood.  I want to go.

Yes, missing a day would mean that my score was docked.  It wouldn't be a big deal to them for losing point (we all suck and we're tied for last place).  But that isn't the point of the question because I didn't want to know if it was ok to skip.  I wanted to know if it was ok to show up.

I have no problem going.  I just got yelled at today because  "...why bother coming if you aren't going to talk to anyone?"

And I wasn't sure if I was being rude because of that.  I try to make sure I'm not being rude while I'm there (as in my actions in general), I just wasn't sure if it was rude in general to show up when I don't feel like being as outgoing as I normally would.

If I was always quiet, I would join a team where that was ok and not worry about being quiet.  But I am not.  So I wasn't sure if it was rude to go and not be normal.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2013, 12:51:56 AM by AylaM »

buvezdevin

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2013, 12:59:10 AM »
It is not rude to show up and honor your commitment to a team activity.

It can be rude, or inconsiderate to ignore others on your team - just as it can be rude of someone on your team to berate you for not socializing as they think you should.

It may be simplest to consider how much you enjoy this activity with *this*  team. 

Just as with potential friends, some are a good fit, some are not.  It doesn't have to be a matter of one view being "right" but of folks accommodating each other.  Yelling at you for not socializing sounds over the top, and that alone would have me re-thinking this team.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

AylaM

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2013, 01:38:59 AM »
This will likely be our last season together.  We've got people moving.  We've been together for 4 years and this is the first time we've ever had an actual fight.

I do try to stay polite even if I wasn't talking.  I think I succeeded, but realize that I might not realize I was actually being rude.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2013, 03:59:35 AM by AylaM »

jeni

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2013, 05:53:12 AM »
I think it's ok for you to go when you're not feeling your usual peppy self, though I think perhaps a simple statement like 'random numbers' suggested might be a good idea.

"Hey, guys, don't mind me, just feeling mellow/zen/Yodaish tonight."

The reason I agree with something like this statement is because I know someone who can be either very up or very down, and depending upon how they are feeling, I will get a very enthusiastic greeting, to the point of coming up behind me and leaning around in front to say hi (so really making an effort to say hi), or else I might receive the head down and avoiding eye contact response.   I never know what to expect. 

I think it's perfectly ok to go out and do what you enjoy when you're having one of those days when you're not feeling your usual self.

You do say you interact with the team but just not on the same level as usual, so go along and enjoy it, and perhaps have a quiet word with the person that yelled at you.  That's not on.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2013, 07:09:02 AM »
I am on a bowling league, and although, I am only doing it for fun, my other teammates might hope to win a trophy.

If one of us does not show up, our average is taken minus ten pins.  That can mean a big difference in points to win a game.

Does your team not have any subs?   We have three different subs that signed up when we did.  If they are available, (with enough notice, usually not the day of the league), they take our place for that day and they pay for the games instead of the regular bowler.


Cami

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2013, 07:51:13 AM »
In my experience, bowling is only partially about the game; a significant part of it is the socializing and a member who doesn't socialize is seen as a big negative to the overall activity. I've been part of a team in which one person turned out to be "moody'. She was normally bubbly and vivacious, but every so often would get quiet and have a pained/sad/Idontwannabehere look on her face. While she was perfectly polite, her demeanor brought the entire team down and I know several team members felt like those nights were not only a waste of time, but a negative experience.  In the end, our team ended up splitting up over this.

Yvaine

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Re: Is it rude to go if I am not feeling sociable?
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2013, 08:00:27 AM »
It is not rude to show up and honor your commitment to a team activity.

It can be rude, or inconsiderate to ignore others on your team - just as it can be rude of someone on your team to berate you for not socializing as they think you should.

It may be simplest to consider how much you enjoy this activity with *this*  team. 

Just as with potential friends, some are a good fit, some are not.  It doesn't have to be a matter of one view being "right" but of folks accommodating each other.  Yelling at you for not socializing sounds over the top, and that alone would have me re-thinking this team.

Again I'm going to agree with buvezdevin. You are not being rude by showing up; you're honoring your commitment. If you're quieter than usual but still friendly, you are not being rude. If people are yelling at you for not being bubbly, they are rude.