Author Topic: Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" UPDATE pg6  (Read 19117 times)

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bah12

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #30 on: January 25, 2013, 03:35:21 PM »
In my opinion, you do not stand in front of a man's wife, and tell all and sundry what a big "crush" you have on him. Even if you're old enough to be his mother. It is creepy behaviour, and to repeat it constantly is harassment.

I agree it's inappropriate...even creepy.  But if Bessie thinks that she's being cute and endearing (and from what the OP describes, I suspect this is the case), she's not harrassing them until they tell her to stop.  I think I see the harrassment label as a big deal and don't want to just throw it out everytime someone says something awkward.  If DH says "Bessie, those comments make me uncomfortable, please stop" and she continues to do it, then I'm right there with you on the harrassment.

TurtleDove

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #31 on: January 25, 2013, 03:50:50 PM »
In my opinion, you do not stand in front of a man's wife, and tell all and sundry what a big "crush" you have on him. Even if you're old enough to be his mother. It is creepy behaviour, and to repeat it constantly is harassment.

I think it depends.  Depending on personalities and situations, it can be funny.  My 6 year old niece often tells me that my boyfriend is actually her boyfriend and she intends to marry him.  My elderly aunt used to openly flirt with my 60+ years younger husband in front of me.  An IT guy at work is vocal about his crush on me, yet we are both happily coupled with others.  These situations are endearing to me.  They are not threatening and they are not offensive to me in the slightest.  I can see that the OP does not find Bessie's behavior to be endearing, but so far I don't think she has told Bessie that.  I suspect Bessie truly thinks her behavior is flattering to the OP and her DH.

snappylt

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #32 on: January 25, 2013, 04:00:07 PM »
I think it's a good idea for the OP and her husband to tell Bessie that her actions are making them uncomfortable.  She's not getting the clue otherwise, so perhaps if they are more direct, things will help.
The only thing I would suggest is that the OPs DH needs to tell Bessie it is making him uncomfortable himself. Otherwise Bessie may shrug it off as the OP being jealous or insecure. If she continues after the OPs DH has said something then there is a problem.

I agree that it would be more effective for the OP's husband to speak with Bessie about how he wants her to stop, if they decide that they want to speak with her.

(And I agree that it sounds creepy to me.  But I also wonder if Bessie is maybe genuinely clueless as to how this is bothering the OP and her husband.  Or is Bessie aware and continues anyway?)

TootsNYC

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #33 on: January 25, 2013, 04:07:29 PM »
I might disagree and say that the wife can pull Bessie aside (in the moment) and make the first statement of "this is uncomfortable for my husband--so much so that he wasn't even comfortable asking you to stop. So please don't keep making comments about his gym visits and how much everyone likes looking at him. Okay?" and then walk away.

Then the husband can make the second comment (because one will be needed, I bet), and he doesn't have to pull her aside, he can just say, "I really don't like those sorts of comments, Bessie. Stop them." And walk away.

And he can be cold at the gym.

rose red

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #34 on: January 25, 2013, 04:09:48 PM »
My first thought is she thinks it's funny and cutesy.  Perhaps thinking it's innocent fun because she's not hiding it from the OP, the wife.

I agree the OP and her DH should just tell her to stop because she may just be clueless.  How you deal with her after she's clued in depend on how she responds.

MrTango

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #35 on: January 25, 2013, 04:11:50 PM »
I might disagree and say that the wife can pull Bessie aside (in the moment) and make the first statement of "this is uncomfortable for my husband--so much so that he wasn't even comfortable asking you to stop. So please don't keep making comments about his gym visits and how much everyone likes looking at him. Okay?" and then walk away.

Then the husband can make the second comment (because one will be needed, I bet), and he doesn't have to pull her aside, he can just say, "I really don't like those sorts of comments, Bessie. Stop them." And walk away.

And he can be cold at the gym.

I agree that something needs to be said "in the moment," however I disagree with pulling her aside.  I'd just say right then and there to Bessie "Please don't talk about my husband that way"

Even better would be for the OP's husband to be the one to say it, "Please don't talk about me that way.  I am not a piece of meat."


pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #36 on: January 25, 2013, 04:49:56 PM »
If this has been said before and I missed it, then I apologize.  But what hit me is: Bessie singles out Weeble-wobble and her DH as her close, close friends, and she doesn't do it to any one else?

Is Bessie a serial crush?  One at a time, she hits on a couple.  The wife is her bestie, and the husband is her honey, and they just love each other. 

Maybe, when other people are eyeing you, they are really thinking, "Oh, it's their turn now."

What I would do is tell the truth: Bessie is an acquaintance.  Have you known her long?
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Mr Wigglybones

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #37 on: January 25, 2013, 07:12:01 PM »
OP, have you told Bessie that these comments are inappropriate and that she needs to stop?

chibichan

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #38 on: January 25, 2013, 08:48:21 PM »
I might disagree and say that the wife can pull Bessie aside (in the moment) and make the first statement of "this is uncomfortable for my husband--so much so that he wasn't even comfortable asking you to stop. So please don't keep making comments about his gym visits and how much everyone likes looking at him. Okay?" and then walk away.

Then the husband can make the second comment (because one will be needed, I bet), and he doesn't have to pull her aside, he can just say, "I really don't like those sorts of comments, Bessie. Stop them." And walk away.

And he can be cold at the gym.

Toots for the win .

This is exactly the message needs to be given and the way it should be delivered .
The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

Delia DeLyons

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #39 on: January 25, 2013, 09:22:02 PM »
I would feel disrespected if another woman, of any age, regularly talked about my BF this way, particularly in front of me.  (well, saying those things *not* in my presence would be a whole nother non-etiquette related problem!) I would not hesitate to tell my BF, in private, that he needs to speak up about it the very next time it happens. 

I would recommend a light-hearted comment with an unmistakable under-lying message:

"Bessie, that's really enough with those comments now - you know I am happily-married to Weeblewobble... SHE is the only one who should say those things about me." turn- beandip
« Last Edit: January 25, 2013, 09:24:35 PM by Delia DeLyons »
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gramma dishes

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #40 on: January 25, 2013, 09:26:07 PM »
I don't think Bessie is in the "Mrs. Robinson" category -- at least not yet.   :-\

I suspect that she thinks her remarks are entertaining to you and your husband, and flattering, at least to him.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and disagree with almost everyone else.  I do realize that this is a double sided sword -- she's also pretending to be super close friends with you and she isn't.

But honestly, I think your husband should deal with this on his own at least at the beginning.  All he has to say (privately) is "I know you're just joking around, Bessie, but to be truthful the things you say about watching me work out (etc.) really embarrass me and make me very uncomfortable.   Would you stop it, please?"

If she doesn't respond to that, then I'd go with some of the more direct approaches other posters have suggested.  But if you approach her first, it's going to look like YOU are the one who is bothered by her 'flirting' with your husband, not so much him.  Bessie needs to understand that she needs to stop it because it bothers HIM.  Only if she doesn't cease and desist, then you let her know it bothers both of you.

Raintree

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #41 on: January 25, 2013, 10:49:33 PM »
Bessie sounds like a rabbit boiler.

I'd start by correcting the first point, openly and in front of people:

Bessie: "Oh, Weeblewobble and DH are my close friends!"
Weeblewobble: "Well.....I don't know you THAT well. After all, the only time I really met you was that two hours we worked on that project, and then ran into you a couple of times at these meetings."

Raintree

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #42 on: January 25, 2013, 10:55:31 PM »
There was another thread somewhere about a woman who whistled and catcalled a poster's DH as he worked out on his deck, and also tried to find every excuse in the book to get him to do things for her. I think in the end, it turned out to be most effective when the DH said something like, "Please stop catcalling me when I work out."

delabela

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #43 on: January 25, 2013, 11:48:36 PM »
I think that the suggestion of taking her aside and letting her know the comments make you uncomfortable is best. I don't think it should be done in front of other people - they don't know the background, and it would be very uncomfortable for them to suddenly be in the middle of this weird interaction. I totally get that it's not your fault Bessie has no concept of social boundaries, but I do think it's your responsibility to avoid putting other people in an awkward position if you can.

I agree with the earlier posts that what you're doing isn't getting the results you want, so you probably need to change something.  Either 1. stop caring about her and her comments and act as you would with anyone else 2. take her aside privately and let her know that while you get she's possibly trying to be funny, it's getting old and she needs to stop or 3. stone cold ignore her.

I'd probably go with 2.  Good luck - not a fun situation. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #44 on: January 25, 2013, 11:50:49 PM »
I would feel disrespected if another woman, of any age, regularly talked about my BF this way, particularly in front of me.  (well, saying those things *not* in my presence would be a whole nother non-etiquette related problem!) I would not hesitate to tell my BF, in private, that he needs to speak up about it the very next time it happens. 

I would recommend a light-hearted comment with an unmistakable under-lying message:

"Bessie, that's really enough with those comments now - you know I am happily-married to Weeblewobble... SHE is the only one who should say those things about me." turn- beandip

This won't work, because Bessie isn't REALLY coming on to him. She thinks she's being complimentary and funny. He needs to say (or his wife can say), "They make me really uncomfortable, and I find them very distasteful."

Bessie is probably a very nice lady, or at least wants to be (even if she is completely without boundaries and living in a fantasy world), so she'll feel mortified (as she should) and she'll have a motivation to stop.

And I like Gramma Dishes' suggestions as well.