Author Topic: Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" UPDATE pg6  (Read 18894 times)

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Fleur

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #45 on: January 26, 2013, 04:03:52 AM »

I am really surprised at the number of people who think Bessie is just 'being cutesy'. If the genders were reversed, would anyone say that. Inappropriate is inappropriate.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #46 on: January 26, 2013, 05:54:42 AM »

I am really surprised at the number of people who think Bessie is just 'being cutesy'. If the genders were reversed, would anyone say that. Inappropriate is inappropriate.

I was thinking the same thing.  If this were a man bothering a woman, saying how much they like to watch them at the gym, you can bet something would have been said before now.   

oceanus

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #47 on: January 26, 2013, 09:14:11 AM »

I am really surprised at the number of people who think Bessie is just 'being cutesy'. If the genders were reversed, would anyone say that. Inappropriate is inappropriate.

I was thinking the same thing.  If this were a man bothering a woman, saying how much they like to watch them at the gym, you can bet something would have been said before now.

This.

Husband should have said something to Bessie a long time ago.  Since he hasn't, he needs to step up NOW, tell her the comments are making him uncomfortable, and to stop.

Focusing on what others might think or how to respond to people who notice coolness is not solving the problem.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2013, 09:19:23 AM by oceanus »

rose red

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #48 on: January 26, 2013, 09:58:27 AM »

I am really surprised at the number of people who think Bessie is just 'being cutesy'. If the genders were reversed, would anyone say that. Inappropriate is inappropriate.

I was thinking the same thing.  If this were a man bothering a woman, saying how much they like to watch them at the gym, you can bet something would have been said before now.

Just as the OP and her DH should have said something to Bessie before now.  My feelings and advice are the same no matter what gender.  Men can think they are being "cutesy" too.  First step is telling them to stop and see if they do or not.

LadyL

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #49 on: January 26, 2013, 10:33:28 AM »
In my opinion, you do not stand in front of a man's wife, and tell all and sundry what a big "crush" you have on him. Even if you're old enough to be his mother. It is creepy behaviour, and to repeat it constantly is harassment.

I think it depends.  Depending on personalities and situations, it can be funny.  My 6 year old niece often tells me that my boyfriend is actually her boyfriend and she intends to marry him.  My elderly aunt used to openly flirt with my 60+ years younger husband in front of me.  An IT guy at work is vocal about his crush on me, yet we are both happily coupled with others.  These situations are endearing to me.They are not threatening and they are not offensive to me in the slightest.    I can see that the OP does not find Bessie's behavior to be endearing, but so far I don't think she has told Bessie that.  I suspect Bessie truly thinks her behavior is flattering to the OP and her DH.

I think it's important to remember that the line between "endearing" and "creepy" has to do with personal sense of boundaries, body language, vocal tone, etc. and that is for the OP and her husband to judge. If they're uncomfortable, then it is not endearing and inoffensive. They are not mutually participating in Bessie's little charade because they all think it's funny and cute - she is repeatedly not getting the memo from their cold reactions that it is not funny. Intentional or not she is crossing a boundary.

I also think that given that this really is an ambiguous, borderline situation we should trust the OP's judgement and not try to minimize Bessie's actions as sweet but misguided or what have you. Like other posters have said, if she were male she would not be given the benefit of the doubt. Women can have inappropriate sexual or emotional interest in men too.

Minmom3

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #50 on: January 26, 2013, 11:38:08 AM »
"Bessie, I don't feel complimented when you tell me you love to watch me work out, or when you tell my wife you have SUCH A CRUSH on me.  I feel pestered, and I DON'T like it.  Please knock it off!"
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

TurtleDove

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #51 on: January 26, 2013, 12:04:11 PM »
I said:  I can see that the OP does not find Bessie's behavior to be endearing, but so far I don't think she has told Bessie that.  I suspect Bessie truly thinks her behavior is flattering to the OP and her DH.

Lady L said:

I also think that given that this really is an ambiguous, borderline situation we should trust the OP's judgement and not try to minimize Bessie's actions as sweet but misguided or what have you. Like other posters have said, if she were male she would not be given the benefit of the doubt. Women can have inappropriate sexual or emotional interest in men too.

I say: I think you misunderstood me. I said behavior like Bessie's is not always perceived as creepy in response to a statement that it "always" is, period. I never said that the OP should minimize Bessie's actions or that she is wrong to find it creepy.  I said I believe Bessie believes she is being funny or cute, and the OP and her DH have never directly told her otherwise. I think they should and I suspect Bessie would stop, given what else we know about her.  If she doesn't stop after being asked to stop, then yes, that is a problem.

And as I said before, the genders make no difference to me. 

cicero

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #52 on: January 26, 2013, 12:10:53 PM »

I am really surprised at the number of people who think Bessie is just 'being cutesy'. If the genders were reversed, would anyone say that. Inappropriate is inappropriate.
I agree.

I find her comments, coupled with the fact that she went up to him after she recognized him from facebook, to be extremely inappropriate.

However, it is up to Mr. Weeblewobble to say something to her, immediately, in the moment - dont' make a joke about, just matter of fact "please stop those comments they are making me uncomfortable".

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TootsNYC

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #53 on: January 26, 2013, 12:32:46 PM »

I am really surprised at the number of people who think Bessie is just 'being cutesy'. If the genders were reversed, would anyone say that. Inappropriate is inappropriate.

None of us are saying that Bessie is NOT behaving inappropriately. I think every one of us is on board with the OP's reaction, and her husband's. We get it, honestly we do.

Bessie's inappropriately familiar in SO many ways. (actually, I think that's proof that *Bessie* doesn't "get it," in ANY of those ways, because she is so consistent. And that's why I'm completely on board with the OP's approach--except that it makes other people uncomfortable, and that's why she needs to change her tactics.)

I think if the genders were reversed, we'd have "Bob" saying how *cute* the OP is, and how all the guys at the gym like looking at her pretty face.

There's something weird in our culture that thinks it's *more* acceptable to admire a man for his body; we admire his build, not his face. We don't admire men for their facial beauty; we admire a generic guy for his muscles or his sexual attraction. Men aren't perceived as being as vulnerable as women, so these invasive opinions aren't seen as being quite so dangerous.

Think about it--a group of women at a bar, and a good-looking guy walks in--their appreciative comments to one another are probably going to be about his build or his sex appeal. People who overhear them are less likely to be affronted or alarmed than they would if a group of guys was overheard discussing a woman that same way.

What TurtleDove said, essentially. I bet Bessie *believes* she is being flattering and funny.


buvezdevin

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #54 on: January 26, 2013, 01:02:28 PM »
In the situation the OP has described - from my POV the genders do not make a difference as the issue is general appropriateness rather than predatory behavior.

Bessie is repeatedly asserting, in social settings, that she is close friends with OP, a view which OP does not share and for which the history of interactions (limited initial in person contact, followed by friending then de-friending on FB) would not support most folks making such an assertion - and Bessie continues despite OP's gradual cooling of behavior to Bessie when they are incidentally present at group events.

While Bessie's general inappropriateness extends to also repestedly stating her crush on OP's husband, she is not overtly pursuing him - so I would put this into a category of additional annoying behavior more in line with Bessie making other unwelcome "admiring" comments coupled with the starting point of overstating her relationship with OP. 

Someone who I did not know well, and had felt "guarded" about from first interactions would annoy me if, on future chance encounters, they continually proclaimed to others present that we were close friends, and added any further comments which would - perhaps - be taken in a close friend "joking" manner if we *were* close, i.e. "I just love how she puts herself together, I am going to make her my personal stylist!". But my annoyance would be with the overall comments, not just one particular part.

My mother will comment on my boyfriend being handsome, and I could imagine her joking, on seeing him clear a table after a family meal "oh, it is so attractive when a good looking man clears the dishes!" or something in a similar vein, which i would not find offensive or harrasing, nor do i think my boyfriend would.  Comments and the reaction to same are not based solely on reading a parsing of the words, but generally are read also for tone, and - when they are of a personal nature -  the context of of the parties relationship.

What I would find annoying, and possibly offensive about Bessie's iterative comments is the totality of assuming/stating a closeness which not only does not exist, but for which I had given ample social cues that I did not want to pursue.  It would not be less bothersome, to me, if Bessie stopped stating a crush on my SO, but substituted a different repeat statement which also assumed and put forward an appearance of a close relationship which did not exist.

So, in any statement I might make to Bessie to directly clarify matters, were I aiming to revise her behavior towards me/SO, I would not address solely her "crush" and related comments, but the full scope of the inappropriate comments.  Focussing only on her crush on OP's husband could suggest all other comments Bessie repeatedly makes are just fine.  Of course, if OP is annoyed only by Bessie's crush, addressing only that could work.

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VorFemme

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #55 on: January 26, 2013, 03:59:54 PM »
There are things that a family member (by blood or marriage - or at least a family member of your SO, if not married) or long term family friend/neighbor can get away with saying & doing because they are "closer" to you due to how long you've known them or how long your SO has known them.

Bessie does not qualify as a family member or a long term friend (it sounds like she barely qualifies as an "acquaintance" due to the lack of frequent interaction).  A "wannabe" doesn't get to pull out the "friend, neighbor, or member of the family" card because they WANT to be a member of your social or family circle.  Slapping Bessie down hard might be cruel - but some people don't get the idea when shown the clue by four or the two pound Cast Iron Skillet of Duh!

They have to actually be smacked down - it can get done in relative privacy or it might have to be done more than once.  Because Bessie really seems to have a blind spot the size of the Gulf of Mexico when it comes to seeing that her behavior is NOT getting her to be considered part of the OP's circle of friends & family by the OP & her spouse....no matter how many times she tries it.

The DH needs to ask Bessie to leave him alone at the gym - he may have to comment about "it almost feels like you are stalking me" to get the point across.  If that doesn't work - he may have to ask her to stop stalking him....because only stalkers keep hanging around after you've asked them to leave you alone.

And the OP needs to come up with something to say to Bessie and any other people watching their interactions at the events that her family and Bessie go to - but the exact phrasing escapes me.   Eye rolling works for teenagers....not so well for anyone after they've gotten out of college.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

HonorH

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #56 on: January 26, 2013, 05:26:03 PM »
I might disagree and say that the wife can pull Bessie aside (in the moment) and make the first statement of "this is uncomfortable for my husband--so much so that he wasn't even comfortable asking you to stop. So please don't keep making comments about his gym visits and how much everyone likes looking at him. Okay?" and then walk away.

Then the husband can make the second comment (because one will be needed, I bet), and he doesn't have to pull her aside, he can just say, "I really don't like those sorts of comments, Bessie. Stop them." And walk away.

And he can be cold at the gym.

This is how I'd handle it. There's no need to shame Bessie in front of others at this point. The OP can gently point out that what Bessie is saying is making her DH uncomfortable, and that he doesn't like to feel like he's being watched at the gym. If Bessie truly is harmless, she'll apologize and stop the nonsense. Problem solved. If she's not harmless and keeps doing what she's been asked not to do, obviously, stronger measures will be in order.
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kittytongue

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #57 on: January 26, 2013, 07:38:26 PM »
For me this all boils down to one thing: how would I feel if the gender roles were reversed? I'd feel like the guy in question was a big huge creeper and I'd be very cold to him in public. I wouldn't consider this in any way friendly or misguided. So I don't have a problem with the way you're treating Bessie. As long as you remain polite: carry on.

BarensMom

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #58 on: January 26, 2013, 09:37:18 PM »
I agree with a previous poster (can't remember who) who said that OP's husband needs to shut Bessie down at the gym when she approaches him .  If OP says anything, Bessie will see it as either joking banter, or "Oh, how cute!  She's jealous of little ol' me!"  It needs to come from him.

Story time:  Back when DH and I were attending a certain church, there were several older ladies (65+) that thought he was just the handsomest thing.  He also wore his hair long at the time, which tended to curl into ringlets.  I would come into the sanctuary several Sundays in a row to find the ladies pawing his arms, face and hair.  I told them, "If you were 40 years younger, we'd have a problem."  Some got offended, some thought I was joking, some stopped it.  It didn't completely stop until we left the church (for other reasons).

oceanus

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #59 on: January 26, 2013, 10:34:55 PM »
I agree with a previous poster (can't remember who) who said that OP's husband needs to shut Bessie down at the gym when she approaches him .  If OP says anything, Bessie will see it as either joking banter, or "Oh, how cute!  She's jealous of little ol' me!"  It needs to come from him.

Story time:  Back when DH and I were attending a certain church, there were several older ladies (65+) that thought he was just the handsomest thing.  He also wore his hair long at the time, which tended to curl into ringlets.  I would come into the sanctuary several Sundays in a row to find the ladies pawing his arms, face and hair.  I told them, "If you were 40 years younger, we'd have a problem."  Some got offended, some thought I was joking, some stopped it.  It didn't completely stop until we left the church (for other reasons).

I was one of the posters who said the HUSBAND needs to tell Bessie to stop. (my post is #47)

Quote
Husband should have said something to Bessie a long time ago.  Since he hasn't, he needs to step up NOW, tell her the comments are making him uncomfortable, and to stop.

Focusing on what others might think or how to respond to people who notice coolness is not solving the problem.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2013, 10:37:46 PM by oceanus »