Author Topic: Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" UPDATE pg6  (Read 18878 times)

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Marbles

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #60 on: January 27, 2013, 02:47:09 AM »
I agree that a direct statement is needed. Although inappropriate isn't the only word you can use, OP.

"I/We don't find that funny."
"I don't appreciate you saying that."
"I would appreciate it if you would stop saying that."
"I don't want to hear that."

Gyburc

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #61 on: January 28, 2013, 06:47:12 AM »
This reminded me of a thread a while ago where the OP's husband was working out at home and one of their female neighbours was constantly watching him and trying to start conversations with him.

When considering what response to make, it doesn't really matter whether Bessie is joking around or being intentionally creepy. The OP's DH needs to tell her firmly but kindly that she is making him uncomfortable and he wants her to stop straight away. Her response to this will make her motivation clearer, and he and the OP can then decide how to handle meeting her at social occasions.

I think that it's possible to take the gender reversal thing too far in this case. One of the PPs already made this point, but I can't remember who, sorry! Here in the UK, at least, it seems to be much more acceptable for a woman to make flirty comments about a man than the other way around.

For instance, there was a series of adverts on UK TV featuring an office full of women ogling a half-naked young (male) window-cleaner. This was generally considered funny, whereas if you reversed the genders I would imagine there would have been huge numbers of complaints! Not very fair or equal, I think, but that seems to be the way things are.
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bopper

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #62 on: January 28, 2013, 10:56:54 AM »
You could tell Erin: "I think Bessie has a crush on DH...she keeps saying how she likes seeing him at the gym and that kind of thing. She hasn't really stepped over a line but is standing very near it."

MurPl1

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #63 on: January 30, 2013, 12:14:50 PM »
It seems like the focus is primarily on Bessie's comments about DH.  But honestly, the part about her FB behavior, telling people she's close friends with someone she barely knows (likely using tidbits gleaned from FB) and then approaching DH at the gym based on a picture she saw on FB is creepy.

That she goes on about DH at these events makes the whole thing creepier.

I don't think the OP is being too harsh.  This woman has massive boundary issues.  And I would tell people who notice that.  "Bessie has overstepped some boundaries and made both DH and I uncomfortable."

Although I do think something needs to be said to Bessie in that same vein.  "Bessie, I understand that you are a friendly person, however your enthusiasm with telling everyone that we are close and that you have a crush on DH has made both DH and I uncomfortable and we'd appreciate it if you would tone it done."

gramma dishes

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #64 on: January 30, 2013, 01:06:16 PM »
...    "Bessie, I understand that you are a friendly person, however your enthusiasm with telling everyone that we are close and that you have a crush on DH has made both DH and I uncomfortable and we'd appreciate it if you would tone it done."

LOL!!  I suspect you may have meant to type 'tone it down' but with the typo in it it's actually probably more appropriate.  I think the OP wants this DONE.   ;D

MurPl1

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #65 on: January 30, 2013, 03:43:13 PM »
Oh that sure was Freudian!  Heehee!

Sign Of The Times

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #66 on: January 30, 2013, 04:48:32 PM »
If I'm DH, I tell Bessie off.

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Slartibartfast

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #67 on: January 30, 2013, 05:00:41 PM »
"She seems like a nice enough lady, but she insists on telling everyone we're close friends and we barely know her.  It makes DH and I kind of uncomfortable."

Margo

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #68 on: February 01, 2013, 08:54:55 AM »
"She seems like a nice enough lady, but she insists on telling everyone we're close friends and we barely know her.  It makes DH and I kind of uncomfortable."

I think this is the perfect response to anyone who notices/comments on the coolness.

And I also agree that DH needs to say something directly to Bessie to make it clear that her comments and attention at the gym are unwelcome. I think Marbles suggestions are good, in terms of the wording.
If necessary he could expand. e.g "I wish you'd stop saying that. It makes me and my wife uncomfortable, especially as we barely know you"

Lauren

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #69 on: February 01, 2013, 09:09:36 AM »
Quote
Just as the OP and her DH should have said something to Bessie before now.  My feelings and advice are the same no matter what gender.  Men can think they are being "cutesy" too.  First step is telling them to stop and see if they do or not.

Pretty much this.

The only thing the OP has done 'wrong' is not correct Bessie's assumptions. Bessie has overstepeed boundaries, that is clear. But neither the OP nor her husband have told her this. She should have been told to stop.

And it does reflect badly on people who are newcomers to a group acting coolly to an old timer of the group. (and if separate people are commenting on it, everyone has noticed)

If the genders were reversed I would give the same advice. OP's husband needs to tell Bessie that he's uncomfortable. Take the reaction from there.

GlassHalfFull

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #70 on: February 01, 2013, 10:23:35 AM »
I think sometimes people who are acting rude, creepy, or in other undesirable ways get a waiver on being called on said behavior in the name of politeness.  In this instance, responding to people asking about your cooler relationship with her by saying, "She's always spoken to DH and I about how much she and others enjoy watching him work out at the gym, and we find it a bit creepy." , should be perfectly fine.  Easy to say?  Maybe not as much, but really, it should be said.  I think that's why some people get away with acting in ways they do sometimes; everyone around them is too polite to call them on it.  And maybe she really doesn't get that it's creepy and needs more than a cold shoulder and a defriending to understand it.

I wanted to add that it's not just calling such folks on the behavior, it's protecting them in the name of politeness when they needn't be protected.  This lady is acting a certain way, in public; she's not whispering these things to OP and swearing her to secrecy.  So stating what she does and how OP feels about it shouldn't be considered gossiping, or wrong.  And I agree with prior posts in that OP and or husband should have, and now should, respond directly to such statements by her next time with, "Would you stop with that already?  You're creeping us out."  All of these statements can be delivered casually and with a laugh.  And maybe she'll laugh back and still keep on keeping on, which is her right.  But OP shouldn't feel like she can't state the facts.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2013, 10:46:12 AM by GlassHalfFull »

GlassHalfFull

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #71 on: February 01, 2013, 10:55:59 AM »
Also, I think in many cases being too vague, i.e. "She makes us uncomfortable", or even "I don't appreciate that", is not only unnecessary, but can make for more confusion, and definitely create even more discomfort and awkward moments for those involved as well as those on the outskirts of a situation.  Cutting to the chase by being direct ("You're creeping us out!") seems to work much better for everyone involved.

Bijou

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #72 on: February 02, 2013, 01:08:47 PM »
Also, I think in many cases being too vague, i.e. "She makes us uncomfortable", or even "I don't appreciate that", is not only unnecessary, but can make for more confusion, and definitely create even more discomfort and awkward moments for those involved as well as those on the outskirts of a situation.  Cutting to the chase by being direct ("You're creeping us out!") seems to work much better for everyone involved.
I think this may shock the lady in realizing how creepy she really is being.  Works for me!
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Lauren

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #73 on: February 03, 2013, 07:05:05 AM »
Quote
I think sometimes people who are acting rude, creepy, or in other undesirable ways get a waiver on being called on said behavior in the name of politeness.  In this instance, responding to people asking about your cooler relationship with her by saying, "She's always spoken to DH and I about how much she and others enjoy watching him work out at the gym, and we find it a bit creepy." , should be perfectly fine.  Easy to say?  Maybe not as much, but really, it should be said.  I think that's why some people get away with acting in ways they do sometimes; everyone around them is too polite to call them on it.  And maybe she really doesn't get that it's creepy and needs more than a cold shoulder and a defriending to understand it.

I think this is too harsh. Bessie has never been told this. OP and her husband are uncomfortable with the situation but have never told Bessie this. They've hinted around it, they've been cold (and probably confusing her in the process) but they've never come out and said anything.

If Bessie is told and continues to act in this way, then this advice is perfect. But I would be more likely to take Bessie's side in this story if others are told that they are uncomfortable with how Bessie speaks before Bessie is told this. She shouldn't be getting this information second hand.

GlassHalfFull

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Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" (Long)
« Reply #74 on: February 04, 2013, 05:03:09 PM »
Quote
I think sometimes people who are acting rude, creepy, or in other undesirable ways get a waiver on being called on said behavior in the name of politeness.  In this instance, responding to people asking about your cooler relationship with her by saying, "She's always spoken to DH and I about how much she and others enjoy watching him work out at the gym, and we find it a bit creepy." , should be perfectly fine.  Easy to say?  Maybe not as much, but really, it should be said.  I think that's why some people get away with acting in ways they do sometimes; everyone around them is too polite to call them on it.  And maybe she really doesn't get that it's creepy and needs more than a cold shoulder and a defriending to understand it.

I think this is too harsh. Bessie has never been told this. OP and her husband are uncomfortable with the situation but have never told Bessie this. They've hinted around it, they've been cold (and probably confusing her in the process) but they've never come out and said anything.

If Bessie is told and continues to act in this way, then this advice is perfect. But I would be more likely to take Bessie's side in this story if others are told that they are uncomfortable with how Bessie speaks before Bessie is told this. She shouldn't be getting this information second hand.

While I get your point for this specific instance, that it really would be better had OP and/or husband said something directly to Bessie, I still don't feel that they should be sworn to silence over how Bessie is not-at-all-secretly acting.  People act the way they act, and should know that whatever they put out there is, well, out there, and shouldn't expect to be consulted on how their behavior effects others before said others are allowed to speak of it.  In this specific case, in lieu of speaking with Bessie first, the couple could say, "She's always spoken to DH and I about how much she and others enjoy watching him work out at the gym, and we need to tell her that we find it a bit creepy."  I think hedging or speaking in generalities, in this instance, might make things seem worse than they are.  And then it seems the couple would need to conduct a follow-up to explain things once they talked to Bessie.  Basically the general rule here is to make sure you'd say something to a person's face before you say it to others.