Re: Do you say, "she behaves inappropriately towards my husband?" UPDATE pg6

[PastryGoddess]

un-cougared...can we send this in to Websters for a definition

[VorFemme]

UPDATE: Well, the meeting was uneventful-ish. 

We went to the meeting and during the "mingling" portion of the proceedings, Bessie stayed far across the room and sent sulky looks in our direction.  We didn't respond, continuing blithely along like we were oblivious.  No one asked us what was going on with Bessie.  We enjoyed ourselves and were able to socialize un-cougared.  We're hoping this situation is going to "wind down" from here.

It sounds like Bessie thinks hat men should be complimented that she likes to watch them.

I would bet that if someone older than Bessie watched Bessie and her DD work out at the gym the same way, Bessie would be creeped out.

I wonder if she has ever realizes that what is sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose?  She is certainly being a sulky goose...

[penelope2017]

I realize it's all in a joking manner here, but am I the only one that can't stand the term 'cougar'?

Her comments would be out of line regardless of her age, and I find it sexist that something men have been doing and continue to do for years, be attracted to or date younger women, has had to be 'named' something in the reverse and make women the target of mockery. There's nothing wrong with two adults to express interest in one another as long as it isn't illegal or criminal level or making the OP or her husband uncomfortable.

Why is it that a woman interested in a younger man must be lampooned as predatory and desperate while a man doing the same thing gets high fives?

Unless the OP would welcome such advances and comments to her DH if the woman was younger (in which case I retract my post) the meeting wasn't "un-cougared," it was un-harrassed. I know everyone is going to say it is all a joke, using these terms as jokes just continue to make them more prevalent and acceptable, I guess. Just something to think about when using it. Not everyone thinks it is funny.

Sorry, just a huge pet peeve of mine. And for the record, I'm ten years younger than my husband.

[WillyNilly]

^ I don't think men do automatically get high fives.  "Dirty old man" was a term coined many decades before "cougar".  Its always been pretty creepy for decades older men to hit on much younger married or otherwise not interested women.

And it should be pointed out 'cougar" isn't a negative.  Its a term that can go either way, and just as often as not is seen as a very positive descriptor for older women, speaking to their prowess and 'top of the food chain' status.

You can certainly still dislike the term, but I think you are assigning it meaning that isn't there by default of its usage.

[TurtleDove]

Unless I totally misunderstood, I did not get the sense that Bessie was actually hitting on the DH.  Her behavior was not appropriate, but it didn't ring as predatory or expressing some sort of desire to date him or anything.  I am glad the DH let her know she was making him uncomfortable - I bet that solves it.  I am guessing Bessie honestly thought she was being cute and complimentary. Now she knows otherwise!

[VorFemme]

I've run into a few women of my own age or not much younger who apparently haven't looked in the mirror lately.

They act like cute college to twenty-five year olds (and they might have been, fifteen or twenty years ago) but they are now old enough to have their own kids graduating from high school and going to college (if they had kids) and at 40+ - the mannerisms, vocal tricks, poses, and facial expressions - not to mention the choice of clothes & jewelry - can be jarring.  Some of them are even older than 45...which is where it really looks odd (black hair dye at 50 might make you look even older than leaving a few lighter "highlights" here & there).

There was an expression in the nineteenth and eighteenth centuries about "Mutton Dressed As Lamb" (for today - Baby Boomer dressed as Generation Y would give pretty much the same information). 

Whether the person is male or female, acting like you are at least a generation younger than you really are only works on stage, with lots of makeup, and everyone KNOWING that the actor is playing a part.  In person, complimenting/hitting on someone who is "not interested"?  It goes from "slightly humorous" to "feels vaguely creepy" to "urk, dirty old man/woman alert" depending on how they are approaching people around them.  If they think that it's still the 1960s, they might be facing medical issues....but if they know it's the 2000 & teens, then.....it isn't funny.

Talking with people is one thing - trying to flirt with them or get treated as "one of their peer group" is another.

It might be fun to be told that you look no older than you did in high school at your 25th reunion, but if you believe the person saying it, then in real life they are trying to sell you plastic surgery, expensive moisturizers, or something.  In reel life, they might have a wooden stake in their back pocket & they are working with Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

[Just Lori]

I realize it's all in a joking manner here, but am I the only one that can't stand the term 'cougar'?

You are not the only one.  When an older woman is paired with a younger guy, she's a cougar.  When an older man is paired with a woman young enough to be his daughter, he's called Larry King or Billy Joel.

[rain]

I realize it's all in a joking manner here, but am I the only one that can't stand the term 'cougar'?

You are not the only one.  When an older woman is paired with a younger guy, she's a cougar.  When an older man is paired with a woman young enough to be his daughter, he's called Larry King or Billy Joel.

or Hugh Hefner is she's young enough to be his grandaughter/great-grandaughter

[Kariachi]

I realize it's all in a joking manner here, but am I the only one that can't stand the term 'cougar'?

You are not the only one.  When an older woman is paired with a younger guy, she's a cougar.  When an older man is paired with a woman young enough to be his daughter, he's called Larry King or Billy Joel.

or Hugh Hefner is she's young enough to be his grandaughter/great-grandaughter

Or a sicko/paedophile. Or maybe that's just in my area.

[Jones]

I'd rather be called a huntress than a sick old man, any day. lol

They're also called "cradle robbers" in my area.

[Just Lori]

I realize it's all in a joking manner here, but am I the only one that can't stand the term 'cougar'?

You are not the only one.  When an older woman is paired with a younger guy, she's a cougar.  When an older man is paired with a woman young enough to be his daughter, he's called Larry King or Billy Joel.

or Hugh Hefner is she's young enough to be his grandaughter/great-grandaughter

Or a sicko/paedophile. Or maybe that's just in my area.

I don't think that's fair, either.  Assuming no laws are being broken, there's no need to disparage people for being attracted to another person.  I've been in situations where I've had crushes on guys who honestly weren't going to give me a second glance, because they were extraordinarily handsome and popular while I was average and average.  Should I have been chided for having the audacity to be attracted to someone who was so obviously not in my dating pool?  I hope not.  Yet we're calling the woman in the OP a cougar for being attracted to a young guy.

Don't get me wrong.  I think the OP's husband did a great job of handling the situation.  I simply take offense to labeling someone who has the nerve to be attracted to a guy who is younger.

[WillyNilly]

I realize it's all in a joking manner here, but am I the only one that can't stand the term 'cougar'?

You are not the only one.  When an older woman is paired with a younger guy, she's a cougar.  When an older man is paired with a woman young enough to be his daughter, he's called Larry King or Billy Joel.

or Hugh Hefner is she's young enough to be his grandaughter/great-grandaughter

Or a sicko/paedophile. Or maybe that's just in my area.

I don't think that's fair, either.  Assuming no laws are being broken, there's no need to disparage people for being attracted to another person.  I've been in situations where I've had crushes on guys who honestly weren't going to give me a second glance, because they were extraordinarily handsome and popular while I was average and average.  Should I have been chided for having the audacity to be attracted to someone who was so obviously not in my dating pool?  I hope not. Yet we're calling the woman in the OP a cougar for being attracted to a young guy.

Don't get me wrong.  I think the OP's husband did a great job of handling the situation.  I simply take offense to labeling someone who has the nerve to be attracted to a guy who is younger.

But thats really not the issue the OP was dealing with.

It wasn't that Bessie simply thought the OP's DH was attractive.  It was that she was expressing that attraction inappropriately.
If she had once, or over the course of time maybe twice, made a comment "wow, you two are hot stuff! Weeble you really snagged yourself a catch huh?" and then let it go and never brought it up again, I doubt it would have been a problem.  Or if she had, to other group members described them "oh you know Weeble and her DH, the young couple that joined last year.  She's really tall, he's very attractive, I'm sure you've seen them at meetings," and it'd gotten back to them, I bet that would have been ok.

But that's not what she did.  She repeatedly tried to claim a much closer relationship, she studied the OP's FB photos, and she repeatedly openly oogled and harassed the OP's DH about his physique.

If genders were reversed, I doubt people would "high five" the guy or compare him to a celebrity positively.  In fact earlier in the thread many people even pointed out if the genders were reversed this behavior would be a bigger, worse issue to most.

[TurtleDove]

If genders were reversed, I doubt people would "high five" the guy or compare him to a celebrity positively.  In fact earlier in the thread many people even pointed out if the genders were reversed this behavior would be a bigger, worse issue to most.

I certainly would not high five the guy or think it was okay, but since the DH never said (until recently) he did not appreciate the compliments I would take this as a misguided compliment.  Regardless of gender! I still did not see that Bessie was actively hitting on the DH. 

[WillyNilly]

If genders were reversed, I doubt people would "high five" the guy or compare him to a celebrity positively.  In fact earlier in the thread many people even pointed out if the genders were reversed this behavior would be a bigger, worse issue to most.

I certainly would not high five the guy or think it was okay, but since the DH never said (until recently) he did not appreciate the compliments I would take this as a misguided compliment.  Regardless of gender! I still did not see that Bessie was actively hitting on the DH.

I don't think she was hitting on him either.  I think is was more subtle a thing, like oogling or general "eww this person is making me feel watched and dirty" thing.  Now to her credit, she honestly might not have realized how she came across and honestly might have thought she was being endearing and cute, but it was still a sexualized behavior on her part.  She was essentially reducing OP's husband to eye candy and telling him so. Also to her credit, when asked to stop, it seems she did.

[Amava]

But that's not what she did.  She repeatedly tried to claim a much closer relationship, she studied the OP's FB photos, and she repeatedly openly oogled and harassed the OP's DH about his physique.

If genders were reversed, I doubt people would "high five" the guy or compare him to a celebrity positively.  In fact earlier in the thread many people even pointed out if the genders were reversed this behavior would be a bigger, worse issue to most.

Exactly my thoughts!

I hardly think there was a lot of "double standard making the woman look worse than it would have been if the gender roles were reversed" was going on here...
The problem was not her gender, nor her age. It was her behavior.