Invite Grandma or not? Update pg 6

[rose red]

FIL sounds...pleasant. 

If you think Grandma can handle the party, invite her.  If you are willing to pay for the caregiver, do so.  It's none of FIL's business how you spend your money or who you invite to a party you are hosting.  It's also not for him to decide what is stupid.  As the host, it's your money, your party, your choice.

[lurkerwisp]

I kind of agree with Secret.

Also I'd like to add that I sincerely wish that my own grandmother had either not been invited or been invited with a nursing assistant to keep her on her better behavior for my wedding.  While not confused and having only very mild dimentia, she continuously spouted vile horrible comments behind our backs during the ceremony and demanded that my mom (her DIL) stay with her so she'd have someone to hear her string of anger for the entire reception.  If someone could have been there to wheel her away from things when she started in on the verbal abuse it would have been much better for the entire family and less uncomfortable for the guests as well.

Granted, OP, your grandma situation may be nothing like me.  It's up to you to be the judge of whether or not this would be a good idea.  If you know Grandma well enough to know she's not likely to be mean-spirited or unhappy to be there, then definitely invite her.  Grandma may also choose to decline an invitation.  Since you said she suffers from incontinence, she may not want to risk embarrassment in front of near-strangers.

[JeanFromBNA]

I would not invite her, it sounds to me like she probably would not even be aware of the party hence no hurt feelings would be involved.  A total care patient with incontinence issues is not a good thing to have at a party!

Perhaps some of the family could go visit her in the nursing home instead.

She's a person, not a "thing." 

[Roe]

I would not invite her, it sounds to me like she probably would not even be aware of the party hence no hurt feelings would be involved.  A total care patient with incontinence issues is not a good thing to have at a party!

Perhaps some of the family could go visit her in the nursing home instead.

She's a person, not a "thing."

She didn't call the grandmother a thing, she said "incontinence issues are not a good thing to have."   

[Mikayla]

I agree with those saying ignore FIL and try to include her, assuming this is a mild stage and she'd get some enjoyment out of it.  However, the elephant in the room is your DH, since I'd think he gets an equal vote.  Why does he not want to include her? 

[SPuck]

I don't think it is a matter of should she attend but can she attend. My grandmother was able to attend my two of my cousin's wedding, but the time my second cousin's wedding occurred she was already beginning to go mentally. At this point she wasn't able to attend my brother's wedding, and she won't be able to attend any future wedding. You realistically have to take into account what she can do, and make a hard decision if she isn't physically and mentally capable even with a care attendant.

[Yvaine]

I would not invite her, it sounds to me like she probably would not even be aware of the party hence no hurt feelings would be involved.  A total care patient with incontinence issues is not a good thing to have at a party!

Perhaps some of the family could go visit her in the nursing home instead.

She's a person, not a "thing."

She didn't call the grandmother a thing, she said "incontinence issues are not a good thing to have."

No, JeanfromBNA is correct--if I remember anything I learned about grammar in school, "thing" is referring to "total care patient" not to "incontinence issues."

[cheyne]

Thank you all for your replies!  You've brought up issues I didn't address in the OP, and much food for thought.  I will try and address them now.

First, this party is in a small town.  Think very small, no hotels within 35 miles small.  There will be "local" people there driving over 100 miles one way to attend.  The guest list is about 250 people.  DH, DD and I live 750 miles from the venue.  DIL and her parents are doing all the planning, invites ect...we are paying for half the party.  We will be staying about 40 miles west of the venue, arriving the night before the party which will start the next evening at 6 pm.  Grandma's nursing home is 35 miles east of the venue, so we would have to drive 75 miles each way if we were to take her there and return.  I am not willing to do this, as we are the hosts and need to be there early and stay until the last dog dies.  We are driving back home the morning after the party.

I haven't seen Grandma since Grandpa's funeral in Sept. 2011.  She was mobile with a walker, needed assistance with the restroom and seemed a bit "out of it" but wasn't loud or beligerent at that time.  Full disclosure is that I don't like her at all, but I am not the GOH for this party, DS and DIL are.  Also I am not a witch and wouldn't invite the entire family except her especially when she is old, sick and feeble.  I can and will be a grown-up about her presence (if she comes) and treat her with the same courtesy as any other guest. 

I think that DH would like her there or is at least neutral about the idea, but he doesn't feel it is up to us to arrange and pay for transportation and a nursing person for her to attend.  The logistics of those arrangements may not work with us being so far away.

This may be a moot point, as PP's have stated.  Grandma may be confused enough that she won't realize if she is invited (or even going to a party) or not.  I will take a PP's advice to ask DS how he feels, and I am going to bite the bullet and call FIL and ask about her mental state.


PS.  FIL is a Pill.

[Moray]

So, how to DS and DIL feel about this?

[TootsNYC]

This is a party, not a wedding. She's out of town; I wouldn't invite her.

[DavidH]

To me, the key issue is her mental state and whether she is likely to enjoy the party.  If she is too confused to enjoy it or know what it is, the I see no reason to invite her.  If you think she would be able to enjoy it, then the logistics become important. 

If you decide to invite her, I think you need to carefully consider how she will be taken care of.  It might be very embarrassing for her to have one of her children and particularly her son taking her to the bathroom, more so if she has incontinence issues. Finding a way to pay for a caregiver for the evening if you decide to invite her will likely be a better situation for everyone.

[Phoebe]

I was going to say invite her with a hired nurse from her facility, someone she's familiar and comfortable with (figuring if she gets confused, that person might be the best able to take charge of the situation).  My thinking was that since DS is moving so far away that this might well be his and his great-grandma's last chance to visit.  But given that she lives only 35 miles from the venue, perhaps it would be better for DS and his new wife to visit her at her "home" for lunch or some such thing before they depart.  In familiar surroundings, she'd probably be a lot more at ease and maybe the confusion would have less chance of appearing?

[kherbert05]

You need to stop and think what is best for Grandma. Have you been around her at the time of day the party will be? How does she function at that point in the day?


I've dealt with different relatives in similar conditions. We found that they do not cope well at busy, loud, evening events. Even having an attendant doesn't work because the elderly family member becomes scared and failed to recognize the attendant. Instead they would cling on to a relative they did recognized.

[Sharnita]

I am not sure that I agree it isn't FIL's business - he is her son. Out fo curiosity, who does see her more often? Or is there anyone in the family who has a relatively good handle on how she is and what her physical and mental state is and how she would react to that stimulation?

Does FIL see her fairly often?  Is he clear on how she does daily or weekly?

I think that sometimes loving and well-meaning relatives who have less contact can sometimes be overly optimistic regarding the abilities of somebody in this situation.  There can be a variety of reasons for this, not the least of which is that the patient in question will "cover" for brief visits, while the family who are around all the time tend to see the confusion/anger/whatever.

I agree that a visit from DS when he can give grandma his undivided attention and there is less stimulation seems like a better choice to me.

[Kestrels Nemesis]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned, and is perhaps the reason FIL is saying hiring a caregiver isn't a good idea. 

Grandma may latch onto her children to do her personal care and monitoring and not allow a hired caregiver to do so if her children are there.  We ran into a similar issue with my Grandma when she was in an assisted living facility.  We found out that Grandma would tell the attendants, rather vociferously not to worry about doing chores like the laundry because her daughter (my mother) would be in to take care of it.  Then she would tell my Mom that the aids weren't doing it for her.  My Grandma had dementia related issues as well, but this was going on very early on in the disease process, she was just more comfortable with her daughters taking care of her, than a hired aid.

Elder care issues are extremely complex, and I am pretty willing to cut the FIL some slack on this issue.  Granted I don't know the whole situation, but it sounds like FIL is probably a lot more familiar with the day-to-day issues that Grandma is having.  If it were me, I would encourage son to make a quick afternoon visit with his new bride to go see Grandma at her nursing home, if he is so inclined.