Invite Grandma or not? Update pg 6

[gramma dishes]

   I don't think it's unfair.  She makes perfect sense.

She means that on this forum we all talk about our own personal experiences and those of our friends and colleagues --   people we know personally and what they have sometimes had to deal with. 

Because subjects usually only come up when they present a problem and become an issue that has to be dealt with, those kinds of situations caused by dementia and other problems of aging get mentioned a lot on this site.

Rarely does one come here and discuss the wonders of aging and how it makes people so much wiser, smarter,  more patient and more fun to be around.   Not because it isn't true for many, many people, but because it doesn't cause any problems that need to be discussed here on this forum.

I'm pretty sure that's what she meant.   

[kareng57]

  I don't think it's unfair.  She makes perfect sense.

She means that on this forum we all talk about our own personal experiences and those of our friends and colleagues --   people we know personally and what they have sometimes had to deal with. 

Because subjects usually only come up when they present a problem and become an issue that has to be dealt with, those kinds of situations caused by dementia and other problems of aging get mentioned a lot on this site.

Rarely does one come here and discuss the wonders of aging and how it makes people so much wiser, smarter,  more patient and more fun to be around.   Not because it isn't true for many, many people, but because it doesn't cause any problems that need to be discussed here on this forum.

I'm pretty sure that's what she meant.   

Perhaps you read it that way, but I did not.  I think it's very unfair for her to have insinuated that most posters here consider anyone over 60 to have dementia.  I'm not far from that age, myself.

[gramma dishes]

  I don't think it's unfair.  She makes perfect sense.

She means that on this forum we all talk about our own personal experiences and those of our friends and colleagues --   people we know personally and what they have sometimes had to deal with. 

Because subjects usually only come up when they present a problem and become an issue that has to be dealt with, those kinds of situations caused by dementia and other problems of aging get mentioned a lot on this site.

Rarely does one come here and discuss the wonders of aging and how it makes people so much wiser, smarter,  more patient and more fun to be around.   Not because it isn't true for many, many people, but because it doesn't cause any problems that need to be discussed here on this forum.

I'm pretty sure that's what she meant.   

...   Reading this forum one would think that every person (particularly every woman) over 60 is demented and impossible to deal with.  That has not been the case in my experience.  The only relative of mine who became "senile" (as we called it then) became so in her 50s and could still even then travel on her own (she just couldn't figure out what was going on with conversations or tv shows).  My parents and their siblings (other than the afore-mentioned aunt) all lived into at least their 70s or mostly 80s with no dementia.  My DH's parents are still going strong at 90 and no dementia happening.  It's not a given.  (And the people I am speaking of, during most of their lives, ate bacon and eggs for breakfast, smoked constantly, and had cocktails before dinner.)

Perhaps you read it that way, but I did not.  I think it's very unfair for her to have insinuated that most posters here consider anyone over 60 to have dementia.  I'm not far from that age, myself.

Please, please reread her sentence.  She makes clear that she's referring NOT to life in general, just to the posts that crop up here for the reasons I mentioned.  She doesn't imply that most posters on here think all older people have dementia, just that many situations come up that deal with tactfully and diplomatically handling those people who do.

And to me, if you're approaching 60 you're still a spring chicken!  This whole thing started, unfortunately, because I mentioned being in my seventies.   

(For the record:  My mother was 98 when she died and was sharp as a tack till her last breath.  My Dad had severe memory loss in his early seventies.  I'm pretty sure we all know it's not "everybody" over a certain age.)

[kareng57]

  I don't think it's unfair.  She makes perfect sense.

She means that on this forum we all talk about our own personal experiences and those of our friends and colleagues --   people we know personally and what they have sometimes had to deal with. 

Because subjects usually only come up when they present a problem and become an issue that has to be dealt with, those kinds of situations caused by dementia and other problems of aging get mentioned a lot on this site.

Rarely does one come here and discuss the wonders of aging and how it makes people so much wiser, smarter,  more patient and more fun to be around.   Not because it isn't true for many, many people, but because it doesn't cause any problems that need to be discussed here on this forum.

I'm pretty sure that's what she meant.   

...   Reading this forum one would think that every person (particularly every woman) over 60 is demented and impossible to deal with.  That has not been the case in my experience.  The only relative of mine who became "senile" (as we called it then) became so in her 50s and could still even then travel on her own (she just couldn't figure out what was going on with conversations or tv shows).  My parents and their siblings (other than the afore-mentioned aunt) all lived into at least their 70s or mostly 80s with no dementia.  My DH's parents are still going strong at 90 and no dementia happening.  It's not a given.  (And the people I am speaking of, during most of their lives, ate bacon and eggs for breakfast, smoked constantly, and had cocktails before dinner.)

Perhaps you read it that way, but I did not.  I think it's very unfair for her to have insinuated that most posters here consider anyone over 60 to have dementia.  I'm not far from that age, myself.

Please, please reread her sentence.  She makes clear that she's referring NOT to life in general, just to the posts that crop up here for the reasons I mentioned.  She doesn't imply that most posters on here think all older people have dementia, just that many situations come up that deal with tactfully and diplomatically handling those people who do.

And to me, if you're approaching 60 you're still a spring chicken!  This whole thing started, unfortunately, because I mentioned being in my seventies.   

(For the record:  My mother was 98 when she died and was sharp as a tack till her last breath.  My Dad had severe memory loss in his early seventies.  I'm pretty sure we all know it's not "everybody" over a certain age.)

All right, I will not pursue it any further on this forum.  However, I think this particular poster ought to know that she has offended quite a few people.

[Mikayla]

Karen, I read it more the way you did.  I agree with the underlying sentiment that people here are sometimes too quick to diagnose/bring up dementia.  Heck, I also think that applies to almost any mental health condition.

But the phrasing in question was too inflammatory.

[crella]

The OP is about grandmother, who is in a wheelchair, 'confused' (which usually means some impairment), and has a family event coming up. Very nearly the situation we were in when our son got married almost three years ago(no incontinence at that time), so I talked about how we did it and what precautions we took, because we've been through it. A number of us seem to be caregivers of elderly with a variety of problems. I feel that I may as well give somebody the benefit of the lumps I have on my head

[Minmom3]

One could also consider that the posts HERE are artificially skewed for age and dementia, because as somebody else said, we come here and talk about it because it's causing us stress of some kind, ongoing or emergent.  We don't come here because our elderly parents are fully functioning and don't need our help and "Whoopee, life is EASY!"  We come here for advice on "HELP, WHAT NOW" because the elderly relative either wants something it's not easy for us to supply, or has needs something it's going to be difficult to supply, and the relative is in denial about their abilities, or we and other relatives are in denial about the elderly persons abilities and faculties - and the work and the stress and the discussion and the lost sleep and possibly tears are going to fall on US, for whatever reason.  Because we're adult women (and a few men) and it lands on us to handle it.  Sometimes or all the time.  And we want advice, and comfort to help us handle it.  So we come here, and we DO get advice. 

So, I agree that it looks worse than it is in actuality across the populace, but HERE is where we get the help we need...  And we really need it.     It ain't fun being the one looking at the wreckage of your relative, who can't do anything she used to do, who can't always finish a sentence because she's forgotten how it started.  Who needs help we don't always now how to give.  These are our internet friends, and they help us and comfort us.

And I am seriously grateful for it, because even if I don't have a particular problem I'm reading about, it may crop up later, and I'll remember how it was recommended to handle it, and by golly, that's a big help TO ME.

[crella]

Reading this forum one would think that every person (particularly every woman) over 60 is demented and impossible to deal with.  That has not been the case in my experience.

I meant to add to my last post that I certainly don't think that everyone over 60 has dementia.   Those who brought it up, were talking about their own families. If you have someone in your family with it, and talk about it, that in no way is stating that all elderly have it. In my case, one out of four grandparents had it, and none of the great-grandparents (and great granddad lived to be a spry 101-year-old), but both my in-laws (had) have it (FIL has passed). So, I know that everyone doesn't have it.

[bopper]

[quote author=Miss Understood link=topic=124479.msg2878168#msg2878168

GrammaDishes, don't worry too much.  Reading this forum one would think that every person (particularly every woman) over 60 is demented and impossible to deal with.  That has not been the case in my experience. 
[/quote]

Ah, but on this forum people only post if they are having etiquette or other issues so they only post about the problem people.   One reason for these problems could be personality and one could be medical/dementia.

[Miss Understood]

  I don't think it's unfair.  She makes perfect sense.

She means that on this forum we all talk about our own personal experiences and those of our friends and colleagues --   people we know personally and what they have sometimes had to deal with. 

Because subjects usually only come up when they present a problem and become an issue that has to be dealt with, those kinds of situations caused by dementia and other problems of aging get mentioned a lot on this site.

Rarely does one come here and discuss the wonders of aging and how it makes people so much wiser, smarter,  more patient and more fun to be around.   Not because it isn't true for many, many people, but because it doesn't cause any problems that need to be discussed here on this forum.

I'm pretty sure that's what she meant.   

Yes, that is what I meant and thank you for expressing it much more eloquently than I did.  I understand that my post upset some posters to this thread and that was not my intent - I probably should have PMd Gramma Dishes, but I see this trend in so many threads, that every older person who is acting in an unpleasant way to the OP must be either a) suffering from dementia or b) (and this is what really annoys me) told that she should be checked out for it in order to humiliate her even though the OP has no reason to believe she has it other than the annoying behavior.

Not to mention the numerous threads where older women are automatically vilified for jealousy and resentment of younger women (witness the recent thread in which a woman who "howled" in pain due to an ice skate blade being stomped on her foot is called an "old bat" who is obviously jealous of the teenager who stomped on her foot, notwithstanding the fact that just about everyone in a skating rink at any given time is pretty young so I doubt the "old bat" was targeting her hatred at young people, maybe just the young person who stomped on her foot with an unsheathed ice skate blade.)  Again I am diverting attention from the OP's issue so I will shut up now. 

[cheyne]

Grandma came to the reception with bells on!  Aunt Kathy brought her for supper at 6 and Grandma stayed until the "special" dances were over at 9:00.  She seemed to be rather sharp that night, no trouble with memory or incontinence (that I could tell) and said she had a good time and "Wouldn't have missed it for the world".

Thank you to all posters who replied to the thread.  Not a very exciting update about Grandma, but boy were there some etiquette tempests otherwise.

[siamesecat2965]

Grandma came to the reception with bells on!  Aunt Kathy brought her for supper at 6 and Grandma stayed until the "special" dances were over at 9:00.  She seemed to be rather sharp that night, no trouble with memory or incontinence (that I could tell) and said she had a good time and "Wouldn't have missed it for the world".

Thank you to all posters who replied to the thread.  Not a very exciting update about Grandma, but boy were there some etiquette tempests otherwise.

Glad to hear she was able to attend and had a good time!

[Twik]

Great to hear!

... now, what about those "other" tempests? Should we be breaking out the popcorn?

[ladyknight1]

Waiting with a nice cup of coffee to hear the other stories!

[crella]

I'm really glad to hear that it went well! I'm happy for you.