Author Topic: Question/s re: friends  (Read 4422 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

wenners

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 11
Question/s re: friends
« on: January 26, 2013, 06:48:46 AM »
I don't have many friends so I am uncomfortable confronting people when they treat me badly. I generally organise all the get togethers between my friends, because quite frankly, no one else will bother. A couple of months ago, I organised a dinner at a restaurant which I thought was only 15 minutes from 2 of the 4 people attending, it would take me and the other person at least an hour. Turns out one of the people who I thought lived closer had his lease ended and moved back to a place near me (ie. over an hour away). We were enjoying our evening and I offered to buy a drink for the person who lives 15 minutes a drink, and they said "I can't drink, I can't make it to things at this time, the bus only goes every half an hour from my house" and spent the entire night complaining about everything. I had openly suggested others contribute to ideas where we should go, and when we should get there, she said "I'm easy" and her cab fare would have been substaintally less than the rest of us in any case. A few weeks later, I again tried to organise something (after one of my other friends confirming everyone was available for that date) - when I sent a message along the lines of "just checking everyone is free for this weekend?", I got an (in my opinion, incredibly rude) response of along the lines of "I can't do that and knew nothing about it. I'm too tired" - when I referred to the message in question she eventually admitted she received it and said "i'll be in next time". I decided my best course of action was to say along the lines of "hey, I know your super busy right now and you really didn't like the last place we went to, so I'm going to leave it up to you to organise the next thing so it fits in with your bus timetable etc.". Now I feel like the bad guy. What did I do wrong?

Roe

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6469
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2013, 08:22:07 AM »
What did you do wrong?  You are trying to cater to someone who possibly just doesn't want to go, for whatever reason.

Stop trying so hard and organize what you want, close to your home and whoever comes along...great and whoever doesn't, there's next time. 

Oh Joy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1371
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2013, 09:13:55 AM »
Welcome to the forum!

It's a bit tough to tell what went wrong with your friends, but I do have a suggestion that might work for you better than trying to organize a bunch of people who don't 'cooperate' well in planning:

Choose one person you'd like to see, make plans that work for the two of you, and let the others know that 'Jane and I are having dinner are The Restaurant on Thisday at Thato'clock.  Let us know if you'd like to join us.'  Of course, this requires that Jane be on board - when you initially start making plans with her - that whatever you do will be opened to the group.

Best wishes.

artk2002

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13001
    • The Delian's Commonwealth
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2013, 02:31:12 PM »
Good advice above about planning on one friend and letting the others join or not as they can. Drop the idea of having everybody in one place at one time.

Second advice is to expand your circle of friends. Obvious, I know, but it will give you a lot of other benefits.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6035
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2013, 05:25:12 AM »
Counterintuitive, I know, but you don't gain friends by bending over backwards to please people who contribute nothing; you gain users who don't respect you.

I'm not much of an organizer but I'm very appreciative of friends who are, and if they want to hold something that's too far away for me to attend, I thank them for the invite, and decline. If I attend, I express my appreciation for their organizational efforts.

I'd probably be leaving Complaining Friend off the invite list, and if asked why, say, "Oh, I didn't think you'd be interested as you didn't seem very enthusiastic the last two times."

ETA: I re-read the OP and I think your response was perfect. She complained about the way you organized yours, so it's perfectly reasonable that if she wants to be included, she should organize something herself.

wenners

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 11
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2013, 04:45:15 AM »
OP: Thanks for the advice - I've been off line for a while due to power loss. Another mutual friend mentioned he was keen for a catch-up this weekend because it was his birthday, and at the time, I was without power and with a flooded house, but still wanted to make sure we did something for his birthday. I suggested perhaps the "friend" I was talking about organise things because of this (and the birthday boy does a fly in-fly out job and doesn't really have time to do it). Silence was the response. Fortunately another friend came though, and tried to organise things, but the "friend" has still been very obstructive - the suggestion was dinner and a movie, and even though we were all against seeing a particular movie, including the birthday boy who suggested a decent plan with a movie he wanted to see, she was adamant on her own agenda until everyone gave in. And still inserted the "I guess I'll have to wait around for you guys" comment. She hadn't made an effort with me for over a month. The event is tomorrow - any suggestions?? And I have desperately tried for 18 months to expand my social circle - if you have any suggestions how I can achieve this as well, I would be really appreciative

Kiwichick

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1723
  • Is anyone else hungry now?
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2013, 06:01:33 AM »
Seriously?  You are all going to see a movie none of you want to because she pushed hard?

I suggest you all tell her that you are going to see the movie the birthday boy wants to see and it's a shame she'll miss the movie but at least you'll all get together for dinner.

Momiitz

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 132
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2013, 08:45:29 AM »
I agree with the post above. It should be the majority rules here. Let her know the movie plans have changed and you all will not be seeing the one she wants.

She is being rewarded when she has a tantrum and everyone gives in to her plans. You must learn to stop giving in.  She keeps pushing you all to do what she wants because her tantrums work every time.

You might just stop including her in these outings. If that is not possible, make the plans, non-changeable concrete plans. Then invite her and when she throws a fit and tries to change the plans say "I'm afraid that's not possible. We will miss seeing you this time."

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6588
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2013, 09:13:21 AM »
She over rode the bday boy's preference and you guys gave in? I don't understand. I feel really bad for the bday boy.  You have said she is more important then he is, even on his bday.  You guys should have just said that if she wouldn't enjoy the evening as planned then she could join you some other time.

And as long as you cater to her you'll have a hard time widening your friend circle because others won't put up with it.

Roe

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6469
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #9 on: February 02, 2013, 05:52:45 PM »
Wow, she's pretty obnoxious isn't she?  I agree with PP, go see the movie the birthdayboy wants to see and let Debbie Downer stay home!

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6035
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2013, 12:31:01 AM »
I agree with everyone above, that even if you don't end up changing tomorrow's movie plans (I think you should), in future please say to her: "Oh, OK, if you don't want to come, we'll catch you next time." Or suggest she organize a separate outing to the thing she wants to do.

In terms of expanding your circle, can you join an organized activity in something that interests you? Sports (or something else) at the local community centre, a hiking club or walking group, or cycling club. Doesn't have to be a physical activity; could be a book club, photography club...anything really. But not a class; classes are great, but I find they don't always lend themselves to making friends outside of the class time. Everyone just goes to the class and packs up and leaves after without really getting to know each other (not always the case, but more likely).

The key is to join an organization where everyone's actively doing something together, and you see the same people week after week (with new people coming in all the time).

I say this because my social circle expanded in a phenomenal way after I joined a hiking club. We'd go for hikes, and naturally talk, and then (being super hungry) all go for dinner after. It wasn''t always the same people every week but as time went by, you did tend to see the same people again and again. Next we were organizing our own outings outside the club, and then movies, and dinners at each others' homes, games nights, and other activities. And then those people would bring friends...you get the picture. This was years ago and I've come to the realization that most of my social circle origiinated with that group, even though most people aren't involved in it anymore.

You could try Meetup.com in your area as there are groups for every possible thing you could be interested in (depends where you live, I guess, but if you are in or near a major urban centre I would imagine you could find something.

Or, do what one of my friends did (he was more of an aquaintance, really) and send out an email to a number of people you'd like to know better, and say, "I'm organizing a dinner at Local Restaurant which I've been dying to try. Bring a friend if you wish. The idea is to try a new restaurant while meeting new people." I had only met this guy once and I attended his dinner. I am now friends with one of the women that came as we discovered a common interest and "friended" each other on Facebook afterwards. People are remarkably receptive to being invited somewhere. Perhaps some people would be shy about showing up to a dinner where they barely knew people, so it could be bowling instead, so that everyone's active instead of trying awkwardly to make conversation.

TheaterDiva1

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1463
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2013, 12:43:24 AM »
Why should you be stuck with the responsibility all the time?  I suggest each person take turns ona monthly basis organizing a dinner, and if people don't want to step up on their month, well, not your problem.  They can't complain if dinners are inconvenient if they don't contribute when it's their turn.

artk2002

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13001
    • The Delian's Commonwealth
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2013, 09:50:56 AM »
Question: Why is she so important that her preferences override everyone else? Is it because she gets loud and nobody wants to deal with "conflict"?
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

sammycat

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6100
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2013, 08:23:24 PM »
I agree with everyone else:  majority rules; tell her 'too bad, so sad' next time she has a tantrum, and stop including in her things.

The suggestion by a pp that everyone take on the responsibility of organising something each month is a good one too.

wenners

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 11
Re: Question/s re: friends
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2013, 06:12:08 AM »
Thanks guys! Unfortunately, it has became obvious that my "friend" is completely unwilling to participate in the organsing process, but more than willing to complain about the outcome, so I have decided to "cut them lose" for the sake of my sanity, and have realised that I make friends with other people pretty easily, so I don't need to deal with such people