Author Topic: I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X  (Read 4696 times)

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cicero

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Re: I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2013, 03:34:07 AM »
you can say what you said above "sorry but I can't be in the same room as X".

With really good friends you can give more details, with more casual acquaintances you can just say something like "due to bad history I cannot be around X so I'll give this event a pass". or if he shows up at the same event you are at, then you leave.

and yes, when there is a bad break up, it sometimes/often includes breaking up with your friends. that's the way it is. When DS and i left Ex-H, I had to cut ties with his relatives (who we had gotten to know and i really loved). i knew that in his family blood is way much thicker than any substance. I have run into these relatives here and there over the years, and we are always happy to see each other but there is no question of keeping a relationship with them.

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baconsmom

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Re: I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2013, 10:51:40 AM »
Have you contacted the police and asked what you need to prove stallking? I would.

And I would tell my friends I was being stalked. That's not drama; that's a legal situation where you're in danger. I would not go to things, and I would tell them why.

I had, actually.  Suffice to say the legal stuff where I lived back then was insane.  And I'd have had to stop interacting with him at all, including in public, before I could bring legal stuff in.  (Thankfully this was a few years ago, and I now live a few states away.)

The troubles I'd had were two-fold.  One, most of the stuff we did wan't really formal, so self-invites or bringing along group members that weren't initially invited was the norm.  Most of us wouldn't even have thought in terms of a formal invite, just putting the word out to the group that hey, we're doing such-and-such.

Two, there was a lot of harassment that went on in public, it was just stuff that people wouldn't recognize if they didn't know the background.  He'd be incredibly adoring in public - which would have been uncomfortable but not a problem if he hadn't gone creepy possessive I-can't-live-without-you in private.  A guy talking about how great he thinks you are takes on a totally different tone after that...

I swear I seem to attract these creeps.  Some vibe I give off or something.  Sometimes it feels like they're the biggest experts in how to use manners to get away with this stuff.

Oh, ugh. I'm so sorry you had to go through it at all - and very glad you're out of it now.
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baconsmom

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Re: I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2013, 10:55:15 AM »
I've just been in this situation. I had a falling out with a friend, the details of which were personal, and therefore it wasn't common knowledge. He acted a fool at a couple of gatherings that had been arranged before the fight, and then he declared to mutual friends that he wouldn't accept any invitations if I were going to be there.

Our friends basically said, "Ok, then I guess we won't invite you" for the simple reason that he'd made a huge, dramatic deal out of it and I hadn't.

Point being, you need to take the high road. Decline invitations if you think you must, but at larger parties and things, why bother? You can simply keep yourself to yourself and not worry about the other person. The only reason to say "I can't be in a room with so-and-so" is if there are legal issues involved.
I disagree entirely. Unfortunately, there are situations in which the law will/can not become involved but which are seriously detrimental to one's well-being. It's not that black and white in real life.

I did say to decline if she must. This was, in fact, my "real life", so while I understand based on the updates that my advice wouldn't have totally worked in her situation, it absolutely did in my similar, but much less severe, one.
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JeseC

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Re: I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X
« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2013, 04:17:48 PM »
I've just been in this situation. I had a falling out with a friend, the details of which were personal, and therefore it wasn't common knowledge. He acted a fool at a couple of gatherings that had been arranged before the fight, and then he declared to mutual friends that he wouldn't accept any invitations if I were going to be there.

Our friends basically said, "Ok, then I guess we won't invite you" for the simple reason that he'd made a huge, dramatic deal out of it and I hadn't.

Point being, you need to take the high road. Decline invitations if you think you must, but at larger parties and things, why bother? You can simply keep yourself to yourself and not worry about the other person. The only reason to say "I can't be in a room with so-and-so" is if there are legal issues involved.
I disagree entirely. Unfortunately, there are situations in which the law will/can not become involved but which are seriously detrimental to one's well-being. It's not that black and white in real life.

I did say to decline if she must. This was, in fact, my "real life", so while I understand based on the updates that my advice wouldn't have totally worked in her situation, it absolutely did in my similar, but much less severe, one.

Yeah, I can even see it working now that people are older and a bit more mature - the original even was in college.  My biggest problem at the time would have been the self-invite nature of the whole group.  So even if I put together an event, I would have to make specifically clear that X was not invited and no one was to tell X so he didn't show up anyway.  Which puts us back to square one with drama.

My choice at the time was pretty much to stop going anywhere or spending time with friends.  Not what I'd recommend for depression, believe me!

Twik

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Re: I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X
« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2013, 06:44:32 PM »
While it's nice not to put your friends in the middle, to simply try to avoid gathering where he will not be present will, based on the random nature of people attending, result in the OP having to abandon all her friends, and not attend any of their gatherings. This seems a steep price for the person who did not cause the problem to have to pay.

I would go with telling those close to the OP, "I'm afraid I can't be around X. So, if he shows up, and I leave, please don't take it personally." They can work out from there what they want to do. Sometimes, people *have* to take sides.
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dharmaexpress

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Re: I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X
« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2013, 06:53:44 PM »
There is a friend in my group - well, I guess friend isn't the right term - who once threatened to kill us all if something didn't go her way.  Just a hot headed moment, right?  Well she and her DH love assault weapons, and the threat contained a direct shooting reference.  (Yes, it was reported as much as it could have been when it happened.)

Everyone thinks it's no big deal, but I will not occupy the same room she does.  If I show up and she's there, I bail.  I don't discuss it or her with anyone, because I know they'll think it's an over-reaction, but I really think she'll be violent one day.  I don't plan to be there when it happens.

There's never been a need to talk to anyone about it, but as said before, it's never at formal gatherings where escaping would be difficult.  I think I'd probably play my hand the same way if it were.  I don't feel like I can be flexible about it, but no one else needs to know that.