General Etiquette > general

I'm sorry, but I can't be in the same room as X

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I've just been in this situation. I had a falling out with a friend, the details of which were personal, and therefore it wasn't common knowledge. He acted a fool at a couple of gatherings that had been arranged before the fight, and then he declared to mutual friends that he wouldn't accept any invitations if I were going to be there.

Our friends basically said, "Ok, then I guess we won't invite you" for the simple reason that he'd made a huge, dramatic deal out of it and I hadn't.

Point being, you need to take the high road. Decline invitations if you think you must, but at larger parties and things, why bother? You can simply keep yourself to yourself and not worry about the other person. The only reason to say "I can't be in a room with so-and-so" is if there are legal issues involved.

It was at the point where I did not trust this individual to not follow me out and cause physical harm.  He had made rather a big production in private of how many weapons he owned.  I really did not feel physically safe in his presence, nor would I be able to comfortably interact with my other friends if he was around, for fear of accidentally letting something slip that he could use.  Unfortunately he was playing the poor scorned suitor in public and already making me look bad for being so "cold-hearted" and not giving him another chance.  We had a major issue at one point when he managed to get a hold of my new number that I had been keeping from him, through an unknowing mutual acquaintance.  Unfortunately the system I was in did not record what incoming calls there were.

With the update I even more strongly believe you should either 1) happily not go; or 2) happily go.  If you are truly fearful, don't go.  But don't perpetuate the drama by preemptively saying, "it's him or me."  Because based on what you've said they are not going to choose you.

I think that with close friends, you can tell them as much or little as you want, to give them a heads-up that sometimes you'll want to see them and if they could make an effort to see you in non-X related circumstances, that would be great. If a good friend of mine told me this, and the other person was only acquaintance-level, I'd choose my friend most of the time. If both people were the same 'closeness' to me, I would still invite them both to bigger gatherings, but make sure to see my friend separately as well.

But if it's someone who *isn't* close, I think unfortunately it's overall better to not say anything. You might be absolutely completely in the right, but an acquaintance isn't going to know who to believe, and it puts them in a really awkward situation of 'choosing' when they are effectively 'choosing blind'. Sometimes putting other people in the middle is inevitable, but I don't think this is usually one of these situations.

Have you contacted the police and asked what you need to prove stallking? I would.

And I would tell my friends I was being stalked. That's not drama; that's a legal situation where you're in danger. I would not go to things, and I would tell them why.


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