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  • November 30, 2015, 05:51:48 AM

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Author Topic: This is why (death mentioned)  (Read 1208 times)

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This is why (death mentioned)
« on: November 28, 2015, 08:10:14 AM »
A while ago, I posted about an issue with my MIL and Thanksgiving.

Basically, she was going to be out of town, we made plans, and then she switched her plans. DH assumed we'd take her with us to dinner with another family member. I was trying to figure out how to smooth things over as much as I could because, while MIL would be welcome at the family member's house, there could be friction involving the meal (we went non-traditional) and MIL's ... strong ... personality. :) Plus, I didn't want to be in the position of just inviting a new guest along or fishing for an invite.

I tried to explain as best I could how we really didn't want MIL to be alone at Thanksgiving, not at all, and that I was just looking for advice on the best way to handle it. There were a few people who advocated simply letting her figure out her own plans, and I understand why, but she would have been hurt beyond words to be left out, and there's simply no way we would have left her on her own. Even though our meal may have offended her sensibilities of what was "right." :) (The situation resolved itself without MIL ever knowing we'd made other plans when she re-established her original plans.)

MIL died a few days before Thanksgiving.

I loved her. She drove me nuts. She loved me. I drove her nuts. She would have preferred a DIL who was more her religion and her political viewpoint; she tried to hide that (not always perfectly) and welcomed me anyway.

She was a wonderful grandma; she was, sometimes, an over-stepping grandma. She raised the man I love and went through hell and back side by side with him when his dad, her husband, was ill. And she often took him, and his sibling, utterly for granted and drove them crazy.

It doesn't seem possible that that vivid personality is no longer with us.

This is why, despite all the difficulties of revising plans and dealing with that personality, we never would have left her alone on Thanksgiving. She was fully capable of driving us nuts, and did on a regular basis. We loved her anyway. I'm sure the reverse was also true.

I understand why some people choose to cut off contact with family members; I really do. Some people are toxic, even when they're family. This does not refer to those situations.

But this is why sometimes you do things you don't want to do, even for the family members who drive you nuts. Because they're there and then they're ... gone. And you never know when that might be.
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2015, 08:21:40 AM »
I am so sorry. And I understand. My mother gets on my nerves like no other, yet here I am, packing up the kids for a weekend visit.  I'm sure she knew the love you had for her.
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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2015, 09:09:08 AM »
I am so sorry for the loss of your MIL.

A person never knows what a day will bring. It's best not to take anybody or anything for granted. It's important to say out loud "I love you." to the ones you love.


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2015, 09:14:36 AM »
I'm so sorry for your loss.  Hugs.


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2015, 09:44:54 AM »
First of all, Jaelle, We are sorry for your loss.

It's often the case that the people we love and the ones who love us are exactly the people who can push our most sensitive buttons without realizing it and without intended malice. They mean well but their 'well' is not always the same as our 'well'.     

I loved my MIL.  I would never have wished her harm or unhappiness in any way.  Still, there were times when I did not like her very much. The same seems to have been the case with your MIL. It may not seem to be the case now but, over the years, you will probably be able to reconcile your feelings about her. 



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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2015, 10:19:02 AM »
I'm so very sorry.

Things can get hectic this time of year. Thank you for the reminder to stay focused on what's important.


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2015, 11:25:49 AM »
Jaelle, thank you for this. And I'm sorry for your loss.


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2015, 11:44:11 AM »
Thank you for posting this - i think we all need this reminder every now and then.

My father drives me nuts, but I do my best to be in touch with him, and when possible - to get together with him (I now live in a different country from him).

My condolences on your loss.

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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2015, 12:29:42 PM »
Nicely written. It expresses well how many of us feel.

I am sorry for your and your family's loss.


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2015, 01:20:16 PM »
((Hugs)) for your loss.

Even though I don't have problems with my parents, your post reminded me that I haven't talked to them for more than a week. I called them, right after reading your post.

Thank you.


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2015, 01:38:00 PM »
Jaelle, first let me offer my deep condolences for your loss.  I am so very sorry.

But also, what a beautiful and heartfelt post.  It is so filled with love, and with the deep knowledge both of your mother in law and of your own personality. 

Family can indeed be hard, but you have shown why we persevere. Thank you for that. 


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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #11 on: Yesterday at 01:29:22 AM »
I'm so sorry. :(

I still miss my MIL.
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Re: This is why (death mentioned)
« Reply #12 on: Yesterday at 01:14:32 PM »
My own mother (who I loved dearly and miss all the time) could push my buttons like no one else. The way I look at it, no one can "get to us" quite like family, because they're the only ones hat we let inside our armor. It's a precious, wonderful, terrible double-edged blade.
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