Help in Dealing With Sister !~ LONG

[gena264]

I don't consider those to be facts because most of the things my sister has said were 'wrong' with DD are not true, or exaggerated. For example my DD can in fact read street signs. She used to walk all over our (small) town, to friends houses, school, library, work.
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Actually, in my experience, you don't necessarily need to read street signs to walk around a small area you're really familiar with--you learn it by memory and landmarks. The problem would become more evident in an unfamiliar area.
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True, she was in an unfamiliar area and a much largely populated area than what she was used to. She also had her learner's permit to drive and was in the process of learning to drive (practicing on streets, not just parking lots). And DD knows how to read, so I guess I am not sure where the criticism from my sister comes from.

[LeveeWoman]

I don't consider those to be facts because most of the things my sister has said were 'wrong' with DD are not true, or exaggerated. For example my DD can in fact read street signs. She used to walk all over our (small) town, to friends houses, school, library, work.

Actually, in my experience, you don't necessarily need to read street signs to walk around a small area you're really familiar with--you learn it by memory and landmarks. The problem would become more evident in an unfamiliar area.
[/quote]

True, she was in an unfamiliar area and a much largely populated area than what she was used to. She also had her learner's permit to drive and was in the process of learning to drive (practicing on streets, not just parking lots). And DD knows how to read, so I guess I am not sure where the criticism from my sister comes from.
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She likely will make up stuff just to make herself the center of attention. First you turn her down as a mediator. Then, she starts psychoanalyzing your daughter and trashing you. I'd not give anything she says one iota of credence or even attention.

[Moray]

hugs gena, this sounds like a really difficult situation.

Is your sister really criticizing you ? or is she stating fact? because when i read:

" It became increasing obvious to all of us when DD arrived here that she had little to know understanding of -blank blank, she had a flat affect, she was stunted in -blank blank, she had little to know understanding on how to read street signs or any basic life skills."

while i can understand how it may hurt you to hear this, these sound like facts to me. and in fact, you say that now, at age 20 (?) your DD doesn't seem to have basic life skills (from what you say in your later posts). this isn't a criticism of you or of anyone - it is a fact. My DS has issues - he cannot at this point in his life be on his own, he barely scraped through HS and hasn't gone to college and he is 26. This isn't about *me* being a bad parent, it is about *his* issues.  and while it hurts me to see him this way, it's not an attack on me when someone says "what's going on with DS".

I think that etiquettely speaking, you do not have to continue conversations with yoru sister if you don't want to.  just don't have *those* conversations with her.

I don't consider those to be facts because most of the things my sister has said were 'wrong' with DD are not true, or exaggerated. For example my DD can in fact read street signs. She used to walk all over our (small) town, to friends houses, school, library, work.

Actually, in my experience, you don't necessarily need to read street signs to walk around a small area you're really familiar with--you learn it by memory and landmarks. The problem would become more evident in an unfamiliar area.

Very true. I used to go all over my neighborhood and immediate area when I was a kid, but I never learned to "navigate" until I was in high school and had my mind on driving.

OP, it sounds like a very frustrating situation, and it's clear that there are some very big differences in opinion between yourself and your other family members regarding your daughter and how ready she was to face the world on her own after leaving your home with the full support of her grandparents. It's also very clear that there is a lot of bad blood regarding that schism. Perhaps this is something that you and your sister simply shouldn't discuss until it feels less "sharp". That might take a while.

[citadelle]

Is it possible that your sister cares and wants to fix things? Maybe it isn't possible, which is sad but often true. However, thinking of her as a trouble making jerk just exacerbates the problems. If you can't talk about this with your sister without being/feeling judged, then you can't. But if you dismiss her character in the process, you will likely have no relationship at all. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

[gramma dishes]

...  If you can't talk about this with your sister without being/feeling judged, then you can't. But if you dismiss her character in the process, you will likely have no relationship at all. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

But the sister is making the OP's and her familial relationship contingent upon the OP 'listening' to her and her theories and her criticisms (which sound like they aren't based on fact anyway).  Her attitude seems to be: "Either you let me tell you what a horrible mother you were and all the horrible effects it had on your daughter or we can't have a sisterly relationship."

No.  Sister does not get to call the shots in their relationship.  Period.  That's not what being a sister is all about.  My sister is supportive and loving and would be busy telling me all the ways I had been a wonderful mother (and yes, if she thought I made mistakes we might talk about that too), but she would NOT be saying "If you won't let me criticize you and your daughter and your relationship with her and how badly you screwed up, and then let me tell you how to fix you, then I'm not going to accept you as my sister at all."

[gena264]

Is it possible that your sister cares and wants to fix things? Maybe it isn't possible, which is sad but often true. However, thinking of her as a trouble making jerk just exacerbates the problems. If you can't talk about this with your sister without being/feeling judged, then you can't. But if you dismiss her character in the process, you will likely have no relationship at all. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

I do think she cares deep down. I think she truly doesn't want her family to be fighting . I didn't say she was a trouble making jerk, although I do think she craves drama which in turn, causes trouble. It is difficult to know with her whether she is trying to help because she cares or she is craving drama. I am almost certain that if I took her up on her offer as mediator she would NOT have went down the road of criticizing and judging . So the way to keep drama and upset-ness at bay with my sister ,is to do as she wishes. It has been this way for a long, long time.

[gena264]

...  If you can't talk about this with your sister without being/feeling judged, then you can't. But if you dismiss her character in the process, you will likely have no relationship at all. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

But the sister is making the OP's and her familial relationship contingent upon the OP 'listening' to her and her theories and her criticisms (which sound like they aren't based on fact anyway).  Her attitude seems to be: "Either you let me tell you what a horrible mother you were and all the horrible effects it had on your daughter or we can't have a sisterly relationship."

No.  Sister does not get to call the shots in their relationship.  Period.  That's not what being a sister is all about.  My sister is supportive and loving and would be busy telling me all the ways I had been a wonderful mother (and yes, if she thought I made mistakes we might talk about that too), but she would NOT be saying "If you won't let me criticize you and your daughter and your relationship with her and how badly you screwed up, and then let me tell you how to fix you, then I'm not going to accept you as my sister at all."

Thank you gramma dishes. This is exactly how I feel. And I am not trying to sound like I am perfect but I can say 100% that I would never treat my sisters this way, ever. I have supported my older sister through a divorce, my younger sister through a bad break up , never judging . I have NO problem with constructive criticism. In fact I used to go both sisters for advice many years ago for various things and listened when they told me some things I could do to improve a situation. In this case, both my sisters (and parents) ganged up on me , allowed my child to move out of state , keeping it a secret from me , even when I called each of them individually and begged them to tell me what was going on . They were COLD, uncaring and cruel . I would have never , ever allowed my sisters to be treated the way I was treated.

[LEMon]

Is it possible that your sister cares and wants to fix things? Maybe it isn't possible, which is sad but often true. However, thinking of her as a trouble making jerk just exacerbates the problems. If you can't talk about this with your sister without being/feeling judged, then you can't. But if you dismiss her character in the process, you will likely have no relationship at all. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

I do think she cares deep down. I think she truly doesn't want her family to be fighting . I didn't say she was a trouble making jerk, although I do think she craves drama which in turn, causes trouble. It is difficult to know with her whether she is trying to help because she cares or she is craving drama. I am almost certain that if I took her up on her offer as mediator she would NOT have went down the road of criticizing and judging . So the way to keep drama and upset-ness at bay with my sister ,is to do as she wishes. It has been this way for a long, long time.

But can you imagine what her mediation would have been like if she had all these thoughts about you when you two were resolved? 
Keep that in mind - she didn't bring up all this till you said 'no'.  She was 'resolved' with you till you resisted her mediation.  So this wasn't an issue till she didn't get what she wanted.

You need to decide what you want your relationship with her to be now.  What do you want?  What can you have?  What will it cost to have that relationship (might be you accepting her critism, or you drawing boundaries and doing the work to keep them up)?  What do you want?
Now what does it take to make that happen.
Then the hardest part: doing it.  Keeping strong.

(Hopefully if you give her time, she'll find a new crusade that is not you.)

[gena264]

Is it possible that your sister cares and wants to fix things? Maybe it isn't possible, which is sad but often true. However, thinking of her as a trouble making jerk just exacerbates the problems. If you can't talk about this with your sister without being/feeling judged, then you can't. But if you dismiss her character in the process, you will likely have no relationship at all. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

I do think she cares deep down. I think she truly doesn't want her family to be fighting . I didn't say she was a trouble making jerk, although I do think she craves drama which in turn, causes trouble. It is difficult to know with her whether she is trying to help because she cares or she is craving drama. I am almost certain that if I took her up on her offer as mediator she would NOT have went down the road of criticizing and judging . So the way to keep drama and upset-ness at bay with my sister ,is to do as she wishes. It has been this way for a long, long time.

But can you imagine what her mediation would have been like if she had all these thoughts about you when you two were resolved? 
Keep that in mind - she didn't bring up all this till you said 'no'.  She was 'resolved' with you till you resisted her mediation.  So this wasn't an issue till she didn't get what she wanted.

You need to decide what you want your relationship with her to be now.  What do you want?  What can you have?  What will it cost to have that relationship (might be you accepting her critism, or you drawing boundaries and doing the work to keep them up)?  What do you want?
Now what does it take to make that happen.
Then the hardest part: doing it.  Keeping strong.

(Hopefully if you give her time, she'll find a new crusade that is not you.)

I know I don't want any more drama in my life from my family. It would be exhausting to keep up with trying to deal with her mood swings (fine if she gets her way, not fine if she doesn't) .  I think I can either stop speaking to her altogether, or once again keep her at arms length and refuse to discuss anything regarding my DD or my parenting with her. 

and lol yes, she will find a new crusade soon enough, I suppose.

[Moray]

...  If you can't talk about this with your sister without being/feeling judged, then you can't. But if you dismiss her character in the process, you will likely have no relationship at all. It doesn't sound like that is what you want.

But the sister is making the OP's and her familial relationship contingent upon the OP 'listening' to her and her theories and her criticisms (which sound like they aren't based on fact anyway).  Her attitude seems to be: "Either you let me tell you what a horrible mother you were and all the horrible effects it had on your daughter or we can't have a sisterly relationship."

No.  Sister does not get to call the shots in their relationship.  Period.  That's not what being a sister is all about.  My sister is supportive and loving and would be busy telling me all the ways I had been a wonderful mother (and yes, if she thought I made mistakes we might talk about that too), but she would NOT be saying "If you won't let me criticize you and your daughter and your relationship with her and how badly you screwed up, and then let me tell you how to fix you, then I'm not going to accept you as my sister at all."

Thank you gramma dishes. This is exactly how I feel. And I am not trying to sound like I am perfect but I can say 100% that I would never treat my sisters this way, ever. I have supported my older sister through a divorce, my younger sister through a bad break up , never judging . I have NO problem with constructive criticism. In fact I used to go both sisters for advice many years ago for various things and listened when they told me some things I could do to improve a situation. In this case, both my sisters (and parents) ganged up on me , allowed my child to move out of state , keeping it a secret from me , even when I called each of them individually and begged them to tell me what was going on . They were COLD, uncaring and cruel . I would have never , ever allowed my sisters to be treated the way I was treated.

That's a pretty extreme action, and from their side, I'm sure they felt very justified in helping your 17yo daughter fly the coop. We can't (and shouldn't attempt to) in any way pass judgement on the correctness of their actions in this case, but they must have felt very strongly about it at the time. That kind of emotion doesn't just evaporate, and your sister may very well feel that she can't move forward and have a relationship with you until you hash out whatever the original conflict was.

That doesn't mean she has the right to *demand* this discussion with you, and you certainly don't have to participate if she starts in. Just keep in mind that the elevated emotions surrounding the situations may mean that she's not able to "forgive and forget" just yet.

[stargazer]

I guess I am just totally lost on how they were able to keep moving your child away from you a "secret".  I have a hard time getting past how that even happens.  So I'll just say I hope you can repair your relationship with your DD with or without your sister's help as I remember she was very unhappy in your previous posts and you were going to try to work on being less strict.  But I think she was already 17 at that point.

[gena264]

I guess I am just totally lost on how they were able to keep moving your child away from you a "secret".  I have a hard time getting past how that even happens.  So I'll just say I hope you can repair your relationship with your DD with or without your sister's help as I remember she was very unhappy in your previous posts and you were going to try to work on being less strict.  But I think she was already 17 at that point.

deleted due to privacy of location

[redcat]

"I'm really not that bothered."