CatFishing

[Fleur]

I think there's some irony in your question. You are asking this question to your online friends. Most I assume you have never met. Why did you come to this forum and ask questions instead of asking your real life friends?

I am not dating any of you! And none of my real life friends are dating people they do not know in real life.  That is why I am asking here.

POD. I don't get any irony from your question at all! And I am with you and oceanus, I could never, ever have an online relationship, so I thought your question was perfectly fair.

[Mr Wigglybones]

It absolutely is possible to fall in love with someone and not have met them in person. Just because this is not something that you have experienced, doesn't make it not possible.

@SiotehCat

No need to get defensive.
You say it is, I say it isn't.

We disagree (shrug).

I don't see how Sioteh was defensive, I thought it a rather reasonable and calm response to your rather offensive comments.

It is perfectly fine to believe that one cannot fall in love with someone they have not met in person yet, or that you don't personally feel that an online relationship has the same value as a physical one. You are of course entitled to that opinion.  But to outright state that online relationships are nothing but 'dreams' that are in a persons head, in a place where there are people who are in such relationships, is insulting and an action that you are not entitled to. Your post came across as declaring to everyone in this thread who talked about their own experiences that they are not in real relationships and it's all make-believe.

If you did not want to get into a 'bickerfest' as you say, then I would recommended toning your posts down to state what you personally view for yourself rather than the declarations on other peoples life choices.

[The703]

I think there's some irony in your question. You are asking this question to your online friends. Most I assume you have never met. Why did you come to this forum and ask questions instead of asking your real life friends?

I am not dating any of you! And none of my real life friends are dating people they do not know in real life.  That is why I am asking here.

The irony wasn't in the dating part.

I agree with another poster. The times have changed and for the younger generation online dating is perfectly acceptable. There's skype and facetime now that makes it easier to meet people online. Match.com and eHarmony are pretty popular sites as well.

 

[TurtleDove]

This has been in the news lately with the Manti T'eo situation. I don't really understand it. Can someone who has had an online relationship explain why this was your choice instead of a real life actual relationship? Why do you choose to engage with someone you have not met instead of someone you have?

You know, I'm going to guess that most people involved in long distance relationships feel quite confident that they are in a real life actual relationship. That's a wildly offensive characterization.

Considering how many people meet their SOs through some sort of online medium these days, many of whom have some period of time living in different locations, acting as those these relationships are all some sort of playground fantasy-pretend relationship is ridiculous.

Well, I was talking about the Manti Te'o situation, which I think was ridiculous.  I am not saying long distance relationships are not real actual relationships.  I am saying that I do not understand how or why someone would be in a romantic relationship with someone they have not met and do not make plans to meet.  Friends, sure.  Romantic partner?  That I don't understand. No offense was intended and no blanket statement about meeting people online or long distance relationships was made.

[TurtleDove]

I think there's some irony in your question. You are asking this question to your online friends. Most I assume you have never met. Why did you come to this forum and ask questions instead of asking your real life friends?

I am not dating any of you! And none of my real life friends are dating people they do not know in real life.  That is why I am asking here.

The irony wasn't in the dating part.

I agree with another poster. The times have changed and for the younger generation online dating is perfectly acceptable. There's skype and facetime now that makes it easier to meet people online. Match.com and eHarmony are pretty popular sites as well.

I am not following.  My question isn't about meeting people online.  I grasp people do that.  My question is conducting the entire relationship online and never meeting in real life.  I don't think online friendships are in the same category as online dating relationships.  Friendships are not exclusive. 

[Amava]

This has been in the news lately with the Manti T'eo situation. I don't really understand it. Can someone who has had an online relationship explain why this was your choice instead of a real life actual relationship? Why do you choose to engage with someone you have not met instead of someone you have?

You know, I'm going to guess that most people involved in long distance relationships feel quite confident that they are in a real life actual relationship. That's a wildly offensive characterization.

Considering how many people meet their SOs through some sort of online medium these days, many of whom have some period of time living in different locations, acting as those these relationships are all some sort of playground fantasy-pretend relationship is ridiculous.

Well, I was talking about the Manti Te'o situation, which I think was ridiculous.  I am not saying long distance relationships are not real actual relationships.  I am saying that I do not understand how or why someone would be in a romantic relationship with someone they have not met and do not make plans to meet.  Friends, sure.  Romantic partner?  That I don't understand. No offense was intended and no blanket statement about meeting people online or long distance relationships was made.

Romantic feelings are often based on deep friendship, though.
Is the problem that you have trouble imagining how one could be romantically attracted to someone who is not physically present and of whose physical treats you are not 100% certain because you have never met them?

[TurtleDove]

Romantic feelings are often based on deep friendship, though.
Is the problem that you have trouble imagining how one could be romantically attracted to someone who is not physically present and of whose physical treats you are not 100% certain because you have never met them?

Sortof.  I think it is more why would you not want to meet the person and have a face to face relationship?  I agree romantic feelings are based on deep friendship.  But for me, the difference between a good friend and my boyfriend is that I am physically attracted to my boyfriend.  (Well, there are other differences, but an SO relationship is physical, or I want it to be for me). I don't understand limiting my ability to be physical with anyone because I am "in a relationship" with someone I have never met and have no plans to meet.

[Cz. Burrito]

I actually have an online friend that we believe this happened to.  He doesn't talk about it and none of us are going to broach the topic...but....

He was divorced after a ~25 year marriage, and he fell in love with a girl on the internet.  They wrote  each other poems and exchanged tons of emails, and I believe they even spoke on the phone.  It lasted for a couple of years, if I recall. They never met in person. One day, she posted something super vague about being ill or something.  And not too long after, there was more vague posting about how she wouldn't be around much because of treatments. We surmised that she had cancer, though she never said exactly what was wrong.  And then she couldn't even communicate with him.  Supposedly she died at some point.  Maybe.  We don't know. He continued to post poems to her every day for several years after she stopped communicating with him.

There is no doubt in my mind that he was really, genuinely in love with her.  And we're pretty certain that she was a real person, but I think she was stringing him along and thought of it as a fun game, and then it wasn't fun anymore so she faked her death.

I believe this could happen to anybody.   When feelings get involved, things get murky and tricky and "I would never do that!" kind of gets forgotten... I don't think this is any different from people you've met in the flesh who trick you, play games with you, or turn out to not be who you thought they were.

[Twik]

Just because two people are not communicating face-to-face does not mean it's not real, just as the fact that the person you think loves you is right beside you does not make it 100% bona fide. Men and women both have been taken for rides by psychopaths at their side, and inspiring relationships have sprung up between people who did not (at least at first) know what the other person looked like.

Communicating through the written word has been going on a long time. While not being physically present makes it easier to misrepresent yourself, most people who get into online relationships are not going to lie (at least more than they do normally). Therefore, victims of online romantic scams are assuming that they're dealing with someone in the "sane, honest, responsible" section of the population, not that other sort. Honest people often greatly underestimate how dishonest others can be. The thought of someone creating an entire false person to lure one into a romantic relationship sounds ridiculously over the top, unless you've seen how it happens repeatedly.

[LadyL]

I am not sure that any significant part of the population *prefers* a relationship with no physical contact - no hugging, hand holding, or more. So given that most people would not choose that given the option, I think it's unusual to have an exclusive online relationship that doesn't lead to an in-person meet fairly quickly (say, within a few months max, if expensive or complex travel is involved). Most people care about being attracted to their partner and having the intimacy that comes with physical affection at a minimum. Anyone who does not test the waters in that regard, well, I would be questioning their motivations for staying in the relationship.

For the record I met LordL online and we arranged to meet after 2-3 weeks of chatting.

There was a very long "hugs" thread here on Ehell where someone was in a relationship that they described as if it were long distance. There were all sorts of trials and  tribulations and the thread was over a dozen pages long with lots of advice. Finally through hints here and there it became clear that it was an online-only relationship with a man who I believe was married and stringing this woman along. He worked in the town where she lived but I think she admitted they had only gotten together for lunch twice in the year or two they were "together."

[Yvaine]

My question isn't about meeting people online.  I grasp people do that.  My question is conducting the entire relationship online and never meeting in real life.  I don't think online friendships are in the same category as online dating relationships.  Friendships are not exclusive.

But what we're saying is that very few people actually do what you're talking about. There is almost always the intent to meet in person eventually, though the amount of time this takes can vary based on finances and how much distance there actually is (for example, a friend of mine met his fiancee online and she lives halfway around the world--it took them about a year to finally meet. They Skyped daily in the meantime).

Communicating through the written word has been going on a long time. While not being physically present makes it easier to misrepresent yourself, most people who get into online relationships are not going to lie (at least more than they do normally). Therefore, victims of online romantic scams are assuming that they're dealing with someone in the "sane, honest, responsible" section of the population, not that other sort. Honest people often greatly underestimate how dishonest others can be. The thought of someone creating an entire false person to lure one into a romantic relationship sounds ridiculously over the top, unless you've seen how it happens repeatedly.

This too. There were romantic relationships that went on for many years by letter back in the old days, often for even longer periods of time, if there was some impediment to the couple being together (parents disapproved, not enough money for that society's criteria for marriage, they were monks/nuns and not even supposed to be having relationships, all sorts of reasons!).

All the distance does is make it easier to get away with lying for a longer period of time, but it doesn't make anyone turn into a liar. The same person would likely be a liar in person. Some people are just jerks, kwim?

[The703]

This has been in the news lately with the Manti T'eo situation. I don't really understand it. Can someone who has had an online relationship explain why this was your choice instead of a real life actual relationship? Why do you choose to engage with someone you have not met instead of someone you have?

You know, I'm going to guess that most people involved in long distance relationships feel quite confident that they are in a real life actual relationship. That's a wildly offensive characterization.

Considering how many people meet their SOs through some sort of online medium these days, many of whom have some period of time living in different locations, acting as those these relationships are all some sort of playground fantasy-pretend relationship is ridiculous.

Well, I was talking about the Manti Te'o situation, which I think was ridiculous.  I am not saying long distance relationships are not real actual relationships.  I am saying that I do not understand how or why someone would be in a romantic relationship with someone they have not met and do not make plans to meet.  Friends, sure.  Romantic partner?  That I don't understand. No offense was intended and no blanket statement about meeting people online or long distance relationships was made.

Manti is Mormon. There really wouldn't be any romance going on in that relationship anyway. His upbringing has alot to do with why he prefered the relationship to be online. He was naive and he got duped.

[Winterlight]

The irony of asking this question in an online forum may have hurt my brain too much to come up with a proper answer.

I think it's easier, one can be in control, one can have a relationship without the annoyance of reality.

There is an excellent cartoon that applies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_the_Internet,_nobody_knows_you're_a_dog

Arf!

[Winterlight]

The reality is that even if you have met the person it might turn out that you don't know them and it is a fantasy relationship. We have seen in the "Need a Hug" folder that people have discovered shocking/alarming/heartbreaking things about SOs they've known for years. That doesn't mean they didn't enter the relationship in good faith or that they didn't have a reasonable expectation of honesty.  The fact that they didn't get it doesn't make them wrong. I don't think that the relationship being on the internet or long distance automatically makes it less real. Just because there is the chance of being taken advantage of doesn't mean it is not a valid avenue, or everybody would be single and celibate.

Exactly. Some people suck. There is no stamp on their foreheads saying, "Dude is a jerk- run away!" People have been conned IRL as well as online.