Author Topic: CatFishing  (Read 6610 times)

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TurtleDove

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CatFishing
« on: January 27, 2013, 08:23:49 PM »
This has been in the news lately with the Manti T'eo situation. I don't really understand it. Can someone who has had an online relationship explain why this was your choice instead of a real life actual relationship? Why do you choose to engage with someone you have not met instead of someone you have?

SiotehCat

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2013, 08:33:37 PM »
I don't think people in relationships online expect to stay that way forever. I think they all expect to be together in real life eventually. Sometimes that can't be done for a long time.

I have a friend or two online that i have never met in person and don't ever plan to. If they are lying about who they are, that doesn't really affect me one way or the other.

I met my DH online. After three months of nothing but instant messages and phone calls, we knew that we loved each other and moved in together.

You can't help who you fall in love with. If you happen to meet that person online, it makes sense to me that one would try to make that work first.

The703

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2013, 08:38:39 PM »
I think there's some irony in your question. You are asking this question to your online friends. Most I assume you have never met. Why did you come to this forum and ask questions instead of asking your real life friends?

I think some of it has to do with Manti and his upbringing. I also think the fact that he plays football for a great & popular football program for another. It's not easy to meet someone in his college town to date just for dating him as the guy and not Manti T'eo #5 for the Fighting Irish. 



Deetee

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2013, 08:38:46 PM »
The irony of asking this question in an online forum may have hurt my brain too much to come up with a proper answer.

I think it's easier, one can be in control, one can have a relationship without the annoyance of reality.

There is an excellent cartoon that applies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_the_Internet,_nobody_knows_you're_a_dog

Sharnita

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2013, 08:43:31 PM »
I do agree that it could be a bit ironic.

I have never had a romance of this sort but I don't know that it is a choice in that the partner is local but  an online relationship is carried on instead.  For some people distance/time/whatever  keeps them from meeting the SO of their dreams in person, at least for a while.

bonyk

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2013, 08:46:24 PM »
I assume it's a case of fantasy being better than reality.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2013, 08:47:38 PM »
I don't think people in relationships online expect to stay that way forever. I think they all expect to be together in real life eventually. Sometimes that can't be done for a long time.

I have a friend or two online that i have never met in person and don't ever plan to. If they are lying about who they are, that doesn't really affect me one way or the other.

I met my DH online. After three months of nothing but instant messages and phone calls, we knew that we loved each other and moved in together.

You can't help who you fall in love with. If you happen to meet that person online, it makes sense to me that one would try to make that work first.

All of this. 

I knew my boyfriend online (as a friend only) for ten years before we met in person. We started dating after we met in person for the third time.  It's not anything I ever sought out. He is part of a large group of friends that I have had online for over a decade, many of whom I've met and many more who I haven't.  I didn't seek to have such a large online social circle, but it happened.  It's a lot easier to find people with similar interests/values online sometimes. 

People who start a romantic relationship online typically plan to meet eventually.  Like SiotehCat said, you can't help who you fall in love with.  Would I choose to date somebody 1000 miles away from me? Heck no.  But I am.

Dalek

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2013, 08:56:39 PM »
For younger people, online relationships are perfectly normal.  It can be difficult for us older ladies as we didn't grow up with these types of relationships;)

I have heard from friends of mine that online relationships can help develop the emotional attachment before the physical one. That could be one reason for the online preference.
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gollymolly2

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2013, 08:57:19 PM »
I think it's perfectly plausible to create, develop, maintain, etc friendships online. You can still share who you are and find out who another person is if youre talking through typing or over the phone/Skype rather than face to face.  And for that same reason, I think you can develop deep, romantic feelings for another person online.

I do think that romantic relationships need some type of physical intimacy (not sex, necessarily, but even just hand holding, kissing, etc) eventually. So it makes sense to me when people meet online and maintain online relationships, but visit each other sometimes.when they can. A romantic relationship that goes on for, say, more than a year without any in person meetings seems to me like it probably reflects other issues. But people meeting online, dating long distance, or taking a while to see each other, or seeing each other only once in a while- that doesn't seem that unusual to me.

(this whole opinion only applies when people are far apart, like te'o and kekua were; I think it's perfectly normal to meet local people online but it would be strange to me if someone maintained an online-only relationship with someone who lived nearby)

gollymolly2

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2013, 08:59:03 PM »
For younger people, online relationships are perfectly normal.  It can be difficult for us older ladies as we didn't grow up with these types of relationships;)

I have heard from friends of mine that online relationships can help develop the emotional attachment before the physical one. That could be one reason for the online preference.

That's a good point actually. You can really find out whether you and the other person click, have similar values, have things in common, etc. Whereas in person it can be easy to get distracted by the outside package/physical chemistry, and not notice that the person you're with doesn't bring much to the table personality-wise.

Aeris

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2013, 09:24:02 PM »
This has been in the news lately with the Manti T'eo situation. I don't really understand it. Can someone who has had an online relationship explain why this was your choice instead of a real life actual relationship? Why do you choose to engage with someone you have not met instead of someone you have?

You know, I'm going to guess that most people involved in long distance relationships feel quite confident that they are in a real life actual relationship. That's a wildly offensive characterization.

Considering how many people meet their SOs through some sort of online medium these days, many of whom have some period of time living in different locations, acting as those these relationships are all some sort of playground fantasy-pretend relationship is ridiculous.


Yvaine

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2013, 09:55:49 PM »
This has been in the news lately with the Manti T'eo situation. I don't really understand it. Can someone who has had an online relationship explain why this was your choice instead of a real life actual relationship? Why do you choose to engage with someone you have not met instead of someone you have?

You know, I'm going to guess that most people involved in long distance relationships feel quite confident that they are in a real life actual relationship. That's a wildly offensive characterization.

Considering how many people meet their SOs through some sort of online medium these days, many of whom have some period of time living in different locations, acting as those these relationships are all some sort of playground fantasy-pretend relationship is ridiculous.

Agreed. I know plenty of people who initially met someone online, progressed to things like phone calls and/or Skype, met in person, and have gotten great relationships out of it. I don't think most people are choosing to have a "just" online relationship at all. In fact, it's generally advised that if you click with someone online, you should try to meet as soon as it's feasible, both to rule out complete deceptions like what happened with Te'o and just to find out if you have chemistry in real life. (For example, I carried on an online flirtation for a few months and thought I was really clicking with a guy, and then when I met him, it was just...not there. It was a sad situation all around, but better to find out earlier rather than later.)

The Internet has enabled us to connect with people from places we'd never have visited in the old days and opens up the dating pool substantially if people are willing to travel and/or relocate eventually. (And heck, sometimes you meet people from your own area that you've just never happened to run into before.) I've made great platonic friends online as well as met people to date. Edited to add: and sometimes you click with someone romantically even if you're not looking for that, and even if the site is not specifically a dating site. For a while in college, I dated a guy I initially met on a MUD and then met in person.

I really don't know anyone who is actively looking for a just-online relationship. They are looking online for someone to eventually have an in-person relationship with. There's a big difference. And indeed, if one of the people refuses to meet, that's often the first red flag that dishonesty is involved.

Te'o is an odd case in that, as far as I can gather, there was a great deal of pressure on him to have a girlfriend but not a lot of time for him to actually...have a girlfriend. I think the relationship with Kekua gave him a way to get his parents and teammates off his back without actually investing a lot of time. In the old days, people pretended to have pen-pal girlfriends/boyfriends in Canada when they wanted people to shut up.  ;)

baglady

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2013, 09:59:59 PM »
It isn't a choice. It's Phase 1. All relationships have to start somewhere, and often that somewhere is the Internet. Most people who click with someone online expect that they will have a real-life relationship with that person someday.

The net has made romantic scamming easier, but it happens in real life as well. Been there, been done to.
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Yvaine

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2013, 10:05:51 PM »
It isn't a choice. It's Phase 1. All relationships have to start somewhere, and often that somewhere is the Internet. Most people who click with someone online expect that they will have a real-life relationship with that person someday.

The net has made romantic scamming easier, but it happens in real life as well. Been there, been done to.

This. I'm currently in an LDR (though as it happens, we met in person). I've had people ask, "how do you know he's not lying and cheating?"

My response is that I once dated a guy who lived two blocks away from me who was lying and cheating. If someone's a sleaze, they can be a sleaze from any distance. Proximity is no guarantee against sleaze, and distance can work with trust.

Emmy

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Re: CatFishing
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2013, 10:20:35 PM »
The irony of asking this question in an online forum may have hurt my brain too much to come up with a proper answer.

I think it's easier, one can be in control, one can have a relationship without the annoyance of reality.

There is an excellent cartoon that applies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_the_Internet,_nobody_knows_you're_a_dog

I do see the last sentence as being ironic too.  However, in the context of the post, I think the OP is referring to long term exclusive relationships, which is quite different than chatting and sharing opinions with strangers online.  While I met a few very nice people from this forum in person, most people I have not met and have no plans to do so and would not consider anybody from here a real life friend.  I enjoy reading and sharing opinions, getting advice, and winding down at the end of the day.  That is totally different than an exclusive romantic relationship online.

I think online can be a great place to meet people and online profiles make it easy to get a little background on the person's writing style, interests, ect. before even talking to that person plus you know the person is looking for a relationship.  If I meet somebody online and find we enjoy talking with one another, I prefer to meet fairly soon to establish if there is any real life chemistry.  Scams using another person's photos are not uncommon, so I think it is best to meet fairly early to establish the person you are communicating with is genuine.  Another problem of not meeting is a person will build up a fantasy in their mind about the other person.  I imagine after several months of nice phone calls, sending nice pictures, and never seeing the other person's bad side, a person can build up quite a fantasy about their 'boy/girlfriend' that may not fit reality at all.  After a while, a person gets really strong feelings for the person he/she only partially knows and no real life person can compare to the fantasy. 

I met DH online.  We lived about 25 minutes from each other, even knew a few of the same people, and hung out at a few of the same places.  However, it is unlikely that we would have been in the same place at the same time and started talking.