Author Topic: Direct or direspectful  (Read 5552 times)

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Last_Dance

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Direct or direspectful
« on: January 28, 2013, 03:55:20 AM »
My mother prides herself in her honesty and straightforwardness: I've often been on the receiving end of this and though these characteristics are supposed to be positive ones, I'm starting to think she tends to cross from "direct" to "disrespectful", especially when I'm concerned.     

The last incident, which also started this whole line of thought, happened last week.
I'm 25 years old and looking for a job: I applied to Company Mom Works For and I didn't fill one part of my application form as well as I should have.

Mom: By the way, I talked to a couple of people I know in HR: they said you are an idiot, you shouldn't have written it so-and-so but this-way-and-that.

This is far from the first time she snaps at me and calls me stupid after I made a mistake: in fact, she has been doing it for as long as I can remember.
(And yes, I realize that maybe she's just repeating what the HR people said, but did she have to? I mean, if somebody did call your child stupid, would you go and tell him/her?)

On the one hand, she is calling me names and it hurts. On the other hand, it's just the way she is with everybody, not just me.

I'm thinking about confronting her, but I'm not sure it would work: in the past, when I pointed out other hurtful things she did/said, she apologized but also said I ought to grow a thicker skin and learn to shrug it off. She thinks I depend too much on outside validation for my sense of self and I know she dislikes it.

So...I don't know what to do. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I should do something or I'm just blowing things out of proportion.
Sorry if this is confusing - as you probably noticed, I'm pretty confused myself.
 
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cicero

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2013, 04:02:41 AM »
there are many things wrong with this scenario - but if your mother spoke with the HR people at the company where she works, and they gave her info about you - that is a big no-no in my eyes. she shouldn't have spoken with them about you and they shouldn't have given her information about another person.

how to move forward - i doubt a 'confrontation' would work. you might want to pull back a bit, stop sharing so much with her, and seriously.do.not apply for a job at *her* company!


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Bethalize

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2013, 04:15:28 AM »
Mom: By the way, I talked to a couple of people I know in HR: they said you are an idiot, you shouldn't have written it so-and-so but this-way-and-that.

Do you believe this? Too many things don't add up here.
1. Would HR actually discuss an application with someone? Possibly, if it's a very small company with bad practice.
2. Would anyone actually say those words about a colleague's child to a colleague? I doubt that. Did HR say you'd done it wrong? I wouldn't think so. Would they refer to you as an idiot? Highly unlikely.

Ask yourself, why what would your mother get from saying that to you? How would she react if HR called you and you told them she said that they said you were an idiot? I bet she'd panic no end because the encounter never happened.


Last_Dance

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2013, 04:25:40 AM »
To be honest, I think it probably went like this:

Mom: you know, my daughter is thinking of applying to our company. What should she do?
HR: well, I'd suggest doing A and B in this part of the application process.

Since I had already done X and Y, it immediately translated to "mistake!" (and, well, from the application angle it was a mistake) and mistake translates to "you're an idiot/stupid"

Honestly, it's the repeated name calling that bothers me (I already knew she was going to ask HR about applications in general): it just came out over this application, but it could have been anything else.
I guess the way it happened worked as a wake up call: I don't think I would have noticed if she hadn't put her personal spin in HR's answer.
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mechtilde

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2013, 04:35:43 AM »
If your mother really did talk to HR then that was unprofessional and a massive overstepping of boundaries.

If HR discussed your application with her without your express permission then that was not only massively unprofessional, but also a serious breach of confidentiality.

However you slice it, this is not acceptable behaviour.
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Bethalize

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2013, 04:45:11 AM »
Honestly, it's the repeated name calling that bothers me (I already knew she was going to ask HR about applications in general): it just came out over this application, but it could have been anything else.
I guess the way it happened worked as a wake up call: I don't think I would have noticed if she hadn't put her personal spin in HR's answer.

If you want someone to change their behaviour first you ask them to do so. Nice people usually do. If they don't you ask them and give them a reason to do so. Normal people apologise and say they'll try harder. You've already done this (and she wasn't sorry). After that you have to make a consequence for their actions and apply it every time. If you want her to stop calling you names then you have to do something such as ending the conversation and leaving every single time she does it.

People don't magically change. You train them to treat you the way you want to be treated.


laud_shy_girl

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2013, 05:34:57 AM »
I hate to say this but your mum sounds like a bully. I say this from personal experience as your mum sounds very much like my sister.

If she is anything like my sister she is doing it to make herelf feel superiour and no matter what you say you will be wrong in her eyes.

Its especially telling that...

She thinks I depend too much on outside validation for my sense of self and I know she dislikes it.
 

Sis hated me getting out side validation because me saying "I am not XYZ" she can knock down as I am always wrong. "Bob said I am not XYZ"she can't argue with as much.

I am still working on my sister so the advice I give is a work in progress.
The best thing I ever did was get as far away from her as I could. I limit my contact with her as much as possible. Also please, please don't work at her company.
She will talk to your work mates, your boss and the lady that empties your bin when you are not there and it does not matter what they say, it will give her ammo.

Other OPs will have much better wording for shutting her down but I POD Bethalize. I told my sister till I was blue in the face how disrespectful she was being but she would simply tell me I was being stupid and it was for my own good. etc etc  ::)

In then end I gave her one warning then walked out. It got to the point (when we still lived together) that from the moment I was awake I had my shoes on and a bag by the door so I could just walk out. (only for a few hours) but it eventually shut her down.

Please don't listen to her, she is only trying to validate her own self worth. You are not stupid! and you can tell her I said that.

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Miss Unleaded

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2013, 07:09:42 AM »
My mother prides herself in her honesty and straightforwardness: I've often been on the receiving end of this and though these characteristics are supposed to be positive ones, I'm starting to think she tends to cross from "direct" to "disrespectful", especially when I'm concerned.     

The last incident, which also started this whole line of thought, happened last week.
I'm 25 years old and looking for a job: I applied to Company Mom Works For and I didn't fill one part of my application form as well as I should have.

Mom: By the way, I talked to a couple of people I know in HR: they said you are an idiot, you shouldn't have written it so-and-so but this-way-and-that.

 :o   >:(

Quote
...

So...I don't know what to do. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I should do something or I'm just blowing things out of proportion.
Sorry if this is confusing - as you probably noticed, I'm pretty confused myself.
 

Well for starters, I hope you realise your mother is being neither straightforward nor honest.  Even if HR were unprofessional enough to discuss your application with her, it is extremely unlikely they would refer to you as an idiot.   :o 

It's not blowing things out of proportion to want to not be insulted by your mother.  I'm angry at her on your behalf; calling you an idiot is plain mean spirited and nasty and not something a kind person does to someone they love.

When I was younger I had family members who tended to treat me a bit like this, and the only solution I found was to avoid them.  Asking them politely to stop didn't really work, and nor did getting angry.  In the end I just had to stop being with them and talking to them about my life.  When I stopped giving them ammunition to use against me and started walking away when they were rude it took away their power to bring me down.  It's hard but it was the only thing I found which worked and established that I had the power.  So my advice to you is to be a brick wall: don't tell your mother anything personal about your life, don't take her seriously when she insults you, and if you can do so, physically get up and leave the second a mean word passes her lips. Her insults are more about her own insecurities than you.

One more thing: you are not an idiot I promise you.  I am not in HR but I've been in a position to process job applications, and perfectly normal people fill those out incorrectly all the time.  It doesn't say anything about you or your intelligence. 

Maybe it was your subconscious trying to sabotage you because it knew working with your mother would have been completely wrong for you.

LadyClaire

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2013, 08:33:50 AM »

Maybe it was your subconscious trying to sabotage you because it knew working with your mother would have been completely wrong for you.

I agree that the OP working with her mother is a bad idea.

I worked with my father for a long time. Totally different departments (he was an instructor at the university I work for, and I worked in the VP/CEO's office as an assistant), but the daily interactions were still difficult because he had this constant need to prove that I was somehow inferior. At one point he even informed my boss that he couldn't work at the same place as me. My boss just looked at him and said "too bad", and refused to fire me.

cicero

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2013, 08:46:53 AM »
To be honest, I think it probably went like this:

Mom: you know, my daughter is thinking of applying to our company. What should she do?
HR: well, I'd suggest doing A and B in this part of the application process.

Since I had already done X and Y, it immediately translated to "mistake!" (and, well, from the application angle it was a mistake) and mistake translates to "you're an idiot/stupid"

Honestly, it's the repeated name calling that bothers me (I already knew she was going to ask HR about applications in general): it just came out over this application, but it could have been anything else.
I guess the way it happened worked as a wake up call: I don't think I would have noticed if she hadn't put her personal spin in HR's answer.
i didn't understand your OP then. You are saying that your mother said to you that HR said that you are an idiot - even though they didn't say that? as in ,she thought up the "you're an idiot" on her own?

I think you need to stop letting her talk to you like this.

if she says "you're an idiot" then you walk away/hang up the phone/leave the room. I wouldn't even say another word because it won't help. it's *not* Ok to talk to your daughter like that (it's not OK to talk to *anyone* like that). you can't change her - all you can do is change your reactions to her and limit the time you spend with her.

and please rethink the idea of working in her company. it's got "bad idea" written all over it. in bold red letters. with neon signs flashing.


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cheyne

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2013, 09:19:43 AM »
1.  There is a .001% chance that "someone in HR" actually called you stupid. to your mother's face. over a job application.

2.  It is time to distance yourself from your mother.  If she were a friend or acquaintance would you put up with this carp?  If you are not around her, listening to her every pronouncement she can't undermine your confidence or call you names.

3.  Get a job somewhere else.  Do not work in the same company as your mother. 



Seraphia

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2013, 09:37:23 AM »
Your mother sounds like a bully. You ever notice how many people who pride themselves on their "honesty" or their "directness" are most often the ones who use those traits as cover to say whatever nasty thing pops into their heads? Name calling isn't a trait of truly honest or direct people, it's a diversion into amusement at the expense of others, and the domain of the manipulator.

Furthermore, if she made up the interaction, she's being neither honest nor direct - she's inventing things in order to make you feel bad about yourself and your job prospects.

I'm sorry Lilya. It sounds like you need to put some distance between you and her, for the sake of your own peace.
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RingTailedLemur

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2013, 09:42:07 AM »
I agree wholeheartedly with PPs - Seraphia and Cheyne in particular.

I am very wary of anyone who claims to be "proud" of their "honesty".  Your mother is just mean.

Twik

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2013, 09:45:47 AM »

Maybe it was your subconscious trying to sabotage you because it knew working with your mother would have been completely wrong for you.

I agree that the OP working with her mother is a bad idea..

I don't know if it was unconscious sabotage or simply complicated paperwork, but I do agree it would be a very bad idea for the OP to work at the same company as her mother.
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SPuck

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2013, 10:27:15 AM »
You can be blunt with out calling someone names. The second someone calls you stupid, idiotic, or worse they loose any credibility to their. Your mother wasn't being bluntly honest, she was using her truth as an excuse to be mean to you.