Author Topic: Direct or direspectful  (Read 5521 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2013, 10:33:54 AM »
Honesty is not being mean to people.

"That dress doesn't flatter you- it's pulling at the bust," when asked, is honest.

"My Dog, you look like a blimp in that dress! Don't you know you should never wear prints- you're too fat for them!" at any time, solicited or not, is mean.

If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

onyonryngs

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2013, 10:54:44 AM »
If this wasn't your mother, but someone you knew, it seems that it would be perfectly normal for a company thinking about bringing in an applicant to interview to discuss that applicant with the person who knows them.  I think that if you're trying to get treated like an adult by your mother, maybe applying at her place of work is not the best idea.  I would distance myself from her in the workplace - as you already have issues with the way she interacts with you. 

peaches

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2013, 11:05:14 AM »
I wouldn't grieve over the loss of this particular job. You would be far better off working elsewhere.

It's unclear what happened in the job application process; if you want to know the truth, you could discuss it with someone in HR. Job hunting is a learning process. It's good to find out how employers evaluate applicants. This could help you as you go forward with your job search.

I wish you every success in finding a job you love.

I don't approve of your mother's directness. She is being rude, and her tactics are counterproductive. She could use a course in parenting, although it's a little late for that.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2013, 11:10:01 AM by peaches »

Last_Dance

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2013, 11:06:04 AM »
To be honest, I think it probably went like this:

Mom: you know, my daughter is thinking of applying to our company. What should she do?
HR: well, I'd suggest doing A and B in this part of the application process.

Since I had already done X and Y, it immediately translated to "mistake!" (and, well, from the application angle it was a mistake) and mistake translates to "you're an idiot/stupid"

Honestly, it's the repeated name calling that bothers me (I already knew she was going to ask HR about applications in general): it just came out over this application, but it could have been anything else.
I guess the way it happened worked as a wake up call: I don't think I would have noticed if she hadn't put her personal spin in HR's answer.
i didn't understand your OP then. You are saying that your mother said to you that HR said that you are an idiot - even though they didn't say that? as in ,she thought up the "you're an idiot" on her own?



When she told me that, I was too busy metaphorically kicking myself for messing up to really think about it.
Right now, I don't think HR actually came out and said "your daughter is an idiot if she did X and Y". It's just...mom's short version of what they said. 

I probably shouldn't have used this incident, but it was the latest one and because she put it as if other people had said it, it caught my attention and got me thinking, "Wait a minute, they can't have honestly called me an idiot. Why did she have to put it like that? Come to think of it, it's not the first time mom calls me stupid when I mess up/make a mistake. That can't be right." 

If, say, I had accidentally broken a glass and she had snapped at me and called me an idiot, I would have still been hurt, but then I would have chalked it up to mom being mom and tried not to think too much about it because that's how she reacts to mistakes/messes.
But whether I make a mistake on a job application or break a glass, I don't deserve to be called names for it, I can see that now.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

Coley

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2013, 11:19:33 AM »
But whether I make a mistake on a job application or break a glass, I don't deserve to be called names for it, I can see that now.

You are absolutely right. You don't deserve to be called names. No one does. Calling someone names is not "direct." It's abusive behavior.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #20 on: January 28, 2013, 11:37:14 AM »
I have a problem with your mom telling you to just grow a thicker skin and to stop placing self worth on outside sources.  The next time she says that, look directly at her and say, "Why don't you learn to be a bit more sensitive towards the way other people feel?  I'm not being too sensitive; you're not being sensitive enough."

What would she say if she heard a child calling another child an idiot?
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

snowdragon

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #21 on: January 28, 2013, 12:04:04 PM »
Does your mother really talk to others like this If she called me that in a business situation, I'd tell her ONCE to knock off and then report her for creating a hostile work environment, If she were an acquaintance - she'd never  be a friend and I'd be telling her to stuff the nastiness everytime she started it.
  You are her daughter and deserve better than friends, acquaintances or co-workers - tell her you consider her behavior to be abusive and get your self some counseling on how to really deal with it.
   

WillyNilly

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2013, 12:17:41 PM »
If your mother calls you "stupid" consistently, perhaps you should adopt the habit of reminding her who raised you.

Well I guess if I'd grown up with better parental influences I'd have turned out better, but hey, I'm just working with the hand you dealt me, mom.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #23 on: January 28, 2013, 12:54:55 PM »
As others have said, your mom is not "honest and straightforward".  Based on your posts my impression is that she is mean, she has extremely low self esteem because she wants to make others feel inferior, and she lacks the social skills to communicate without calling people names.

When was the last time she said anything positive to you?

What value is she bringing to your life? 

Deetee

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2013, 01:00:36 PM »
I have a problem with your mom telling you to just grow a thicker skin and to stop placing self worth on outside sources. 

Me too. Can you ask her "Are you saying I shouldn't listen to you? Because you are an outside source"

But really, I think distance (and NOT working at her company) is the best idea ever. She is unlikely to change but you can find ways to spend less time with her and care about her opinions less.

And she isn't direct. She is mean.

Direct "HR talked with me about your application. You filled out sections X and Y with the incorrect information. This job requires attention to those sort of details and they said that mistake means they are not interested in hiring you."  (Still unlikely due to HR confidentiality, but, if true, it is useful feedback)


doodlemor

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2013, 01:02:04 PM »
My heart goes out to you, OP.  You have endured this cruelty for so long that you don't realize how *off* and out of line this is.  As a mother and a grandmother I think that she is despicable, and I don't use the word lightly.

Your mother is a bully, and is verbally abusive to you.  There is a lot of information on line about both of these subjects, or you might want to consider some sort of counseling.

The PP have all given you excellent advice.  I concur that you need to distance yourself from your mother, and not work at the same place.  If you are living with her you need to get out as soon as you can - but not so quickly that you end up with one of the crazy room mate situations that we read about on here.

Take care of yourself here, and look at the big picture.  In 10 years you are likely to be married with a child or two.  The last thing that you would want would be for your mother to be abusive to your possible children.  She will be, unless she herself is motivated to behave in a civil way.

You don't deserve to be treated this way, OP.  Think about the options that the ehellions have suggested, and change your behavior toward mom.

PS  Does a person who acts as *honest* as this have any friends?

TootsNYC

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #26 on: January 28, 2013, 03:27:34 PM »


Mom: By the way, I talked to a couple of people I know in HR: they said you are an idiot, you shouldn't have written it so-and-so but this-way-and-that.

This is far from the first time she snaps at me and calls me stupid after I made a mistake: in fact, she has been doing it for as long as I can remember.
(And yes, I realize that maybe she's just repeating what the HR people said, but did she have to? I mean, if somebody did call your child stupid, would you go and tell him/her?)
 

Please stop and think. Do you genuinely think the people in the HR department said to her, "Your child is an idiot"? I sincerely doubt that this is at all the case.

Which of course leaves us with the most hurtful slant on this, which is that your mother is the one who is calling you an idiot.

I lost my mom just a year ago, and I am occasionally bereft because she was the ONLY person that I truly believed would love me no matter what I did, no matter how awful or irresponsible or mean. And she she was clear-eyed and direct enough to never IGNORE my awfulnesses--she wouldn't kid herself about me and my mess-ups, but she would love me anyway.

I want to cry, thinking that you don't have that.

Maybe you can push back in ways--maybe a straightforward conversation wouldn't help you much, with her.

But maybe you can say, "Mom, I sincerely doubt that the HR people were rude enough to call your child an idiot; are YOU calling me an idiot?"


Or just say, each time, "That hurt my feelings!" and leave the room.

Basically, you need to find some negative stimuli that you can give each time she does this.

And never get into the whole "what is wrong with you" bit--just say "Well, whatever, it still hurt my feelings. I'm sure you could pick kinder words if you wanted to."

In fact, if you want to try a "cut and paste" technique, that might be a phrase you can use over and over and over.

"I'm sure you could pick kinder words if you wanted to."



(edited to change "different words" to "kinder words")
« Last Edit: January 28, 2013, 08:25:56 PM by TootsNYC »

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #27 on: January 28, 2013, 08:19:16 PM »
You can be blunt with out calling someone names. The second someone calls you stupid, idiotic, or worse they loose any credibility to their. Your mother wasn't being bluntly honest, she was using her truth as an excuse to be mean to you.
I agree completely. When mom calls you an idiot and stupid she us being mean. When she tells you to get a thicker skin, she just doesn't want to admit she could do anything wrong. And she is still mean.

Roe

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #28 on: January 28, 2013, 08:40:33 PM »
Something tells me you are pretty used to this type of behavior from your mother.  It probably feels "normal" to you. 

Your mother is not a brutally honest person.  No, she's just a plain bully. 

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Direct or direspectful
« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2013, 08:52:53 PM »
Just out of interest, how would your mother react if someone called her an "idiot" when she made a mistake?

Would she be ok with it, on the basis that "they're just being direct"?