Author Topic: friends of opposite sex  (Read 5619 times)

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dawbs

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Re: friends of opposite sex
« Reply #75 on: January 29, 2013, 08:23:16 AM »
But really, the why doesn't matter, does it?  It's how her friendships work and you're saying you're not interested in these friendships and this part of her life.
She's saying, quite clearly, what she expects and who she is.
You're saying, quite clearly, that that's unacceptable.


Re the bolded: no, he isn't.
As far as I can see, he is looking to educate himself on the matter (hence why he asked for outsiders' opinions) and to work out whether he can come to terms with it if it is, indeed, much more normal than he thought.
Absolutely correct, thanks for the support and the understanding. If I'm wrong I want to grow. If i'm right and a compromise cant be made then I guess we part.

The thing is, it isn't NECESSARILY wrong.
I mean, some people want dogs, some people want cats, some people want both.
One isn't wrong or right, they're just different.
But they are compatibility things.
One indifferent person can live w/ someone who is a 'pro dog' or 'pro cat' person.
But one rabidly 'pro dog/anti cat' person is going to have a lifelong comparability problem (even if they 'give in' and compromise, the fundamental difference remains and the resentment is generally, IME, permanent) with a rabidly 'pro cat/anti dog' person.

*edited because autocorrect sucks.  And it didn't correct my misspelling of autocorrect*
« Last Edit: January 29, 2013, 09:04:33 AM by dawbs »

awilson

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Re: friends of opposite sex
« Reply #76 on: January 29, 2013, 08:32:04 AM »
For me, it reads differently.  That's an awful lot of dates she is talking about going out on over the course of a year.  It seems that she is more interested in maintaining these other relationships than developing a relationship with you.  It sounds like way more than "friendships" to me. 
 
I would run, but I would be the one running from this. I think the angst you are feeling are the red flags that are trying to wave and it is coming out sounding like jealousy/possessiveness.
Yea it is coming out the wrong way. My previous marriage of 20 years had none of these issues and it never had to even be discussed. And yes tome it soundslike very other week she would be meeting up with a guy friend. It is a lot to me. And why can't they all get together a couple few times a year. After all they all know each other from grade school. Why separately?

Someone else upthrad already addressed seeing friends separately.  But the other thing I wanted to point out is that you're taking her general desire to see a friend 3-4 times per year (reasonable) and times-ing it by how many friends she has (6) = 1 psuedo-date every 2 weeks.

Put like that it does seem like a lot.  But remember, this is only an expressed desire.  She hasn't actually booked these people in.  In actuality, she probably won't see each friend 3-4 times a year.  i have many many friends who i'd love to see MORE often than 3-4 times a year which seems pitifully infrequent.  But I don't because of life.  I'm busy, they're busy, and it just doesn't happen that often.

What about adding in her female friends.  If she's seeing them regularly too that's going out with other people weekly if not more often.  Is that fine, or does that also make you feel uncomfortable if she's going out without you so frequently?
WOW great question. I have to think more about that. But yea with all friends involved what it she is out every weekend with one of them.  But she says shes a home body.  I guess it would bother me in general if most of our potential time together was taken up by her social life outside with her friends.  Even if I get over the opposite sex friends thing. I have to think about it.  I guess thats just a compatibility issue.

awilson

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Re: friends of opposite sex
« Reply #77 on: January 29, 2013, 08:38:14 AM »
I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent here, but please OP, bear with me.

This is a wonderful opportunity for you. Please be excited about this and at the same recognise and address the reality: change is scary.  Change causes anxiety in our lives and is difficult to understand and deal with.  And thats actually what i think is going on here.

Your life has recently taken a huge turn, yes?  You find yourself single and dating again, a situation you didn't think you'd be in and didn't plan for it and now you are caught a bit unawares, yes?

Its ok to be a bit anxious about. And to constantly wonder "is this normal? Am I normal?" because honestly dating is a constantly changing environment and everything needs to be taken and judged on a case by case basis. But just grit your teeth, put on a smile and go forward, because really, isn't that the only direction to go?

So now lets talk about this woman.  You seem to think she is keeper, and presumably other then your anxiousness are very happy with her. Well what makes her so great?  Is it because she's out going, and vibrant, and moral, and a great conversationalist, and genuinely concerned about stuff, etc? Her social life is probably a big contributing factor to her overall self. She is a whole person and all the positive things you see in her are part of her, and all her relationships and how she spends her free time is part of her.

And now, you are a part of that too.  She has a very active social life and yet it sounds like she's really tried to include you in it.  You've had enough time together to grow very close in 4 months.  That says to me she is making time for you - she is cutting back on seeing her friends. And she's inviting you to join in with her friends - she wants you to be more involved with her life.

And you know what?  I bet if you just go with it, open yourself to change, to being more social, to maybe becoming a fan of her sport's team or her musical tastes, you'll be happier and more confident, and maybe make some really good new friends and have some fun.  And I bet by being a positive, welcoming, trusting beau, you'll also be building your relationship with new things you and she do one-on-one, things she excludes her friends from.
This is an amazing post. This has been in the back of my mind for a while. You expressed it well. I thank you so much. its good to HEAR IT from someone else. She is a great woman. Your right, the reasons I feel so strongly about her are the reasons she has all these relationships. I just want to get through this.

Dragonflymom

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Re: friends of opposite sex
« Reply #78 on: January 29, 2013, 09:49:15 AM »
But really, the why doesn't matter, does it?  It's how her friendships work and you're saying you're not interested in these friendships and this part of her life.
She's saying, quite clearly, what she expects and who she is.
You're saying, quite clearly, that that's unacceptable.


Re the bolded: no, he isn't.
As far as I can see, he is looking to educate himself on the matter (hence why he asked for outsiders' opinions) and to work out whether he can come to terms with it if it is, indeed, much more normal than he thought.

I agree.  He's clearly stated several times he's not interested in dictating to her, but rather just taking the pulse of current dating norms.  Heck, he's been out of the dating scene longer than many of us have been alive!

OP,  I have strong feelings on trust and how it drives everything in a relationship.  And it takes time to build up trust, especially if the 2 of you are spending most of your time alone and not in a group.  You're trying to reach a comfort zone in the absence of full trust, and this won't work.

Keep an open mind and give it time.  Like others, I would find it very stifling if this type of thing bothered my husband, but that wouldn't make either of us right or wrong.  It has the potential to make us incompatible, though.
Thank you so much. everyone is jumping on me. I am just trying to understand if it is me who needs to change. I like this woman a lot,,,, a lot. I don't trust my opinion because I am honest with myself. I'm looking for wisdom and guidance. Not to get everyone on my side. I know I can't ask her to dump her friends. If I am more correct about this then I want her and I to reach a compromise that's all.  If I'm wrong or if there is no wrong and right and I just have a tough time with it then I want to grow and get over it as much as possible so I can continue my relationship with this most wonderful woman in my life.

A counselor would be the best person to address these issues with. 
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

Twik

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Re: friends of opposite sex
« Reply #79 on: January 29, 2013, 09:54:31 AM »
I think you've summed it up in your last post.

There is no "right or wrong" here.

You are having a tough time with it.


You need to decide if your main objection is that you fear she may cheat, or you fear that it "doesn't look right". If it's the second, you will have to decide if fear of outside disdain is worth losing a wonderful romantic partner. If it's the first, you need to delve deeper - is this a reasonable fear (she doesn't seem inclined to be faithful to you), or is it the result of some inner demons that tell you that women can't be trusted?

I agree that a counsellor would be a good step. You're getting back into a new world of dating and new relationships, and some exercises in understanding yourself as well as others out there would be helpful.
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Moray

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Re: friends of opposite sex
« Reply #80 on: January 29, 2013, 12:13:47 PM »
Counselling is a good idea. I don't know how much more advice we can really offer you, since this isn't an etiquette issue.

Best of luck!
Utah

cass2591

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Re: friends of opposite sex
« Reply #81 on: January 29, 2013, 12:51:39 PM »
OP, I wish you luck in resolving this issue, but I have to agree with previous posters in that this forum is not the best place for you to seek help.

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