Saying no to a "surprise" wedding shower.

[Margo]

I think you should just straight out tell her "no thank you, but we do not want a shower, and we will not attend one that is organized for us."

I also think it would be a good idea to really impress this, and your FMIL's pushiness, upon your close friends and wedding party.  Because it would be super awkward and horrible for your friends & family to be invited and show up at the family reunion-shower only to have you and DH make a stand against the shower and not attend. If you get all 'your' folks on board with your wishes they can help keep you informed, and help you enforce boundaries by following your lead.

This. Particularly the part about warning your wedding party and close friends that FMIL may try to organise this and that you absolutely do not want it to happen, and would be grateful if any friends who are contacted by FMIL could let you know. Obviously you can't dictate to them whether they accept an invitation but as these are, presumably, your close friends I would be inclined to tell them that you'd take it as a personal favour if they could refuse any invite which comes their way because you do not want a shower at all, and you particularly do not want one which highjacks a family reunion and involved people who are not wedding guests, and/or who cannot be trusted to behave appropriately.

I would also second the suggestions to give the reunion a miss this year (or possibly, for LordL to go by himself - this is his family, isn't it?)

If you do go, be absolutely clear with FMIL NOW - "We do not want a shower. We think it would be highly inappropriate to have a shower at the reunion. If you ignore our clear wishes and organise a shower anyway we will explain to anyone who attends that we told you very clearly we did not want a shower and did not feel that it was appropriate to organise one in these circumstances, , and we will leave.

[MrTango]

I think the easiest thing to do would to not go to the family reunion she intends to hijack. They can't shower you guys if you don't attend! 

If she asks why you're not going, beandip.

Given the previous stories about the OP's FMIL, I would have run out of patience and beandip a long time ago.

"Due to your past behavior, we cannot trust that you will respect our wishes and not usurp the family reunion to throw us a shower that we have told you we do not want.  Therefore, we will not be attending the shower."

[LadyL]

I think the easiest thing to do would to not go to the family reunion she intends to hijack. They can't shower you guys if you don't attend! 

If she asks why you're not going, beandip.

Given the previous stories about the OP's FMIL, I would have run out of patience and beandip a long time ago.

"Due to your past behavior, we cannot trust that you will respect our wishes and not usurp the family reunion to throw us a shower that we have told you we do not want.  Therefore, we will not be attending the shower."

Oh believe me, I have! I would opt not to go if  it were solely up to me. However LordL likes seeing his grandparents and cousins all in one place and still wants to go for those reasons. I am definitely tempted to tell him to go by himself but I know he would be a bit hurt/sad if I did.

I told him what everyone said here and about how he shouldn't JADE, just tell her "we do not want a shower" rinse lather repeat. And as soon as he gets on the phone he starts explaining all this stuff about how we don't want to be the center of attention, and hijack the family reunion, blah blah blah  leading to his mother trying to argue back at him just like I said she would. Finally after about 15 minutes of this (and me making frantic "cut this discussion off" throat cutting motions at him LOL) he told her that if she is going to insist on planning a shower then we will stay home from the reunion. THAT finally got through to her and she backed off, and agreed that there would be no shower. She still wants to invite some extra relatives and have a toast for us. I asked LordL if he trusted her to stick to that and if he was willing to leave if she didn't and he said yes.

Oh and get this - MIL and FIL thought the point of the shower was to invite people who can't make the wedding or won't be invited to give them a chance to celebrate with us. You know, basically the opposite of the rules about who you invite to a shower. I swear I don't know what bizarro universe they occupy sometimes.

[bopper]

The purpose of showers is to help newlyweds start a new home. Presumably they are just starting out and have no household goods.  Family and friends crowdsource this and presumably when the newlyweds get older they will participate in other showers and over time it all evens out.

You are saying "Hey, I know there is an implied social contract that if I get married I get a shower, but I have somewhat of a household established and am not in need of this help to get started.  I am choosing to decline my part in this."

Your MIL is saying "Everyone gets a shower and it will look like we have neglected you if you don't get one" or "Here is my chance to be in the spotlight and be the hostess".

[BeagleMommy]

LadyL, you've gotten some great advice here.  I hope your FMIL keeps her promise and that LordL will stick to his guns if she ambushes you.

Good luck.

[JenJay]

I personally wouldn't even let her do the toast. It still allows her to feel that you need to compromise with her (meaning she is correct in her assumption that she has some control over things), it still takes the focus off the family reunion and puts it on you (granted, for a shorter period of time and at least nobody feels obligated to bring a gift), and it still says to a group of people "Hey, you weren't invited to the wedding so feel free to congratulate us now." All things you expressed wanting to avoid.

[gramma dishes]

...    and it still says to a group of people "Hey, you weren't invited to the wedding so feel free to congratulate us now." ...

Precisely. 

The reunion should be a reunion and nothing else.  The minute it becomes an announcement or in any other way associated with your wedding there will be problems that arise from that.

[JenJay]

...    and it still says to a group of people "Hey, you weren't invited to the wedding so feel free to congratulate us now." ...

Precisely. 

The reunion should be a reunion and nothing else.  The minute it becomes an announcement or in any other way associated with your wedding there will be problems that arise from that.

Hmmm. I just had a thought -

LadyL, I recall an earlier thread you'd started about your MIL inviting some relatives to the wedding without asking you and DF first, and it was an issue because you hadn't intended to invite them. Is it possible she's still angling to get them in? Could she be hoping that forcing the subject of the wedding to come up will cause some of these relatives to say to you "We were disappointed to hear you were keeping it small, we would have loved to have been there!" thereby creating an awkward moment where you might stammer "Oh, um, well, actually we'd love for you to come..."?

I don't mean to paint her in a darker light than she may deserve, it's just a thought that crossed my mind since she seems so determined to loop these distant relatives into the wedding in some way.

[Hmmmmm]

...    and it still says to a group of people "Hey, you weren't invited to the wedding so feel free to congratulate us now." ...

Precisely. 

The reunion should be a reunion and nothing else.  The minute it becomes an announcement or in any other way associated with your wedding there will be problems that arise from that.

Interesting.  At our reunions, it is pretty common to toast or recognize family member life events. But maybe this toast is more formal than I'm imagining.  At our last one we had a cake to celebrate 3 birthdays, a mini graduation party, and a retirement recognition.

[Sharnita]

Yeah, I can totally see a reunion including a toast to new graduates, soon to be marrieds, new babies, etc.

[lowspark]

Yeah to Hmmmm & Sharnita... but only if:
- this is the norm at these reunions
- all the life cycle events are being recognized

If it's specifically for Lord & Lady L's wedding and isn't normally done for births, retirements, graduations, and other weddings, etc., then I tend to agree that aside from the upcoming nuptials coming up in casual conversations, MIL should not be allowed any specific mention, toast, celebration, etc.

[JenJay]

Oh I don't think it's straight across the board wrong, I'm thinking it's not okay in this instance because Lord and Lady really don't want it at all and seem to be feeling pressured to compromise anyway. 

[Hmmmmm]

Yeah to Hmmmm & Sharnita... but only if:
- this is the norm at these reunions
- all the life cycle events are being recognized

If it's specifically for Lord & Lady L's wedding and isn't normally done for births, retirements, graduations, and other weddings, etc., then I tend to agree that aside from the upcoming nuptials coming up in casual conversations, MIL should not be allowed any specific mention, toast, celebration, etc.

Oh, I was remarking about Gamma's comment that a reunion should be a reunion and nothing  else. I thought that was interesting comment because for us that is a big part of our reunions.

[lowspark]

Yeah to Hmmmm & Sharnita... but only if:
- this is the norm at these reunions
- all the life cycle events are being recognized

If it's specifically for Lord & Lady L's wedding and isn't normally done for births, retirements, graduations, and other weddings, etc., then I tend to agree that aside from the upcoming nuptials coming up in casual conversations, MIL should not be allowed any specific mention, toast, celebration, etc.

Oh, I was remarking about Gamma's comment that a reunion should be a reunion and nothing  else. I thought that was interesting comment because for us that is a big part of our reunions.

Ya, that's exactly what I'm saying. Since reunions are different for different families, then the L family should do what their norm is. So if their norm is like Gamma's, then nothing should be said. If their norm is like yours, then by all means, drink a toast, as that is what would be expected.

My point is that if the norm is like Gamma's, then there should definitely not be anything special done since that goes against Lord & Lady L's wishes.

[Hmmmmm]

Yeah to Hmmmm & Sharnita... but only if:
- this is the norm at these reunions
- all the life cycle events are being recognized

If it's specifically for Lord & Lady L's wedding and isn't normally done for births, retirements, graduations, and other weddings, etc., then I tend to agree that aside from the upcoming nuptials coming up in casual conversations, MIL should not be allowed any specific mention, toast, celebration, etc.

Oh, I was remarking about Gamma's comment that a reunion should be a reunion and nothing  else. I thought that was interesting comment because for us that is a big part of our reunions.

Ya, that's exactly what I'm saying. Since reunions are different for different families, then the L family should do what their norm is. So if their norm is like Gamma's, then nothing should be said. If their norm is like yours, then by all means, drink a toast, as that is what would be expected.

My point is that if the norm is like Gamma's, then there should definitely not be anything special done since that goes against Lord & Lady L's wishes.

I understand your point. I was just reading her post more literal to imply that "nothing else" should apply for all reunions since she didn't state the rule only applied to her family norms.