Saying no to a "surprise" wedding shower.

[gramma dishes]

I was referring specifically to this particular reunion.

My main two reasons were:

1.  The HC said they didn't want it mentioned there.
2.  It would be awkward for the announcement in whatever form that took, including a toast, to be made if not everyone at the reunion will be invited to the wedding and it sounded like that was the case since part of the original problem was that FMIL wanted to invite several "extra" people not on the HC's list.

I did not mean that as an across the board thing for all family reunions everywhere.  We made such announcements all the time at the few we had.  But I thought that in THIS case, it would seem best to leave out any mention of the wedding at all. 

[Lynn2000]

I was referring specifically to this particular reunion.

My main two reasons were:

1.  The HC said they didn't want it mentioned there.
2.  It would be awkward for the announcement in whatever form that took, including a toast, to be made if not everyone at the reunion will be invited to the wedding and it sounded like that was the case since part of the original problem was that FMIL wanted to invite several "extra" people not on the HC's list.

I did not mean that as an across the board thing for all family reunions everywhere.  We made such announcements all the time at the few we had.  But I thought that in THIS case, it would seem best to leave out any mention of the wedding at all.

And also 3. Can FMIL be trusted to just offer a nice toast to the HC at the reunion, without turning it into something else (critique, mass invitation, gift grub, etc.)?

And a corollary to 2--did FMIL already mention the wedding to the people she wanted to invite, and then have to un-invite them? In which case bringing up the wedding in an announcement sort of way, if those people are present, could be somewhat hurtful/awkward for them (which is totally on FMIL, of course).

[doodlemor]

LadyL, I recall an earlier thread you'd started about your MIL inviting some relatives to the wedding without asking you and DF first, and it was an issue because you hadn't intended to invite them. Is it possible she's still angling to get them in? Could she be hoping that forcing the subject of the wedding to come up will cause some of these relatives to say to you "We were disappointed to hear you were keeping it small, we would have loved to have been there!" thereby creating an awkward moment where you might stammer "Oh, um, well, actually we'd love for you to come..."?

Poddity - poddity - pod and pod!

From your previous posts, LadyL, it is apparent that FMIL is extremely manipulative, and does not respect boundaries.  I suspect that she has hatched some plot in her head to get her way with your wedding.

It's unfortunate that your husband is so adamant about going to the reunion this year.  I suspect that FMIL will make you both uncomfortable many times by talking about the wedding in front of people that you are not planning to invite.

I wouldn't be surprised if she manages some sort of a surprise shower, either.  If you were faced with a roomful of smiling guests with gifts you and DF would just have to make the best of it, and FMIL knows this.

[kudeebee]

I can hear fmil now, saying with a big smile,  "i told them not to, but i wasn't able to stop them.  they wanted to do this for you."

And there you would be, stuck at a shower you did not want.

[TurtleDove]

The purpose of showers is to help newlyweds start a new home.

Not everyone agrees with this.  My friends and family throw parties for major events and gifts are often brought but the purpose of the party is NOT gifts.  I do not know what the label on the parties is always, but it is understood that gifts are NOT the focus, celebrating the event is.  I cannot think of a single shower I have been to where the guests of honor could not afford everything they needed.  I have never been to "gift grab" and if I thought a party was a "gift grab" and it bothered me, I simply wouldn't go.

With that in mind, I understand that the OP is frustrated and I don't think she needs to acquiesce to her MIL's plans, but it might help to recognize that the MIL is likely coming from a good place. Some of the suggested responses seem overly harsh and seem to imply the MIL is obviously trying to get gifts for her son. I don't see it that way - I see her wanting to share her excitement over your marriage.