Author Topic: "That's really not true" (religion)  (Read 5974 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #30 on: January 29, 2013, 02:32:13 PM »
"Mom, you never told me you went through seminary for x religion. Was that before you met dad?"

nuit93

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #31 on: January 29, 2013, 02:44:34 PM »
"Mom, you never told me you went through seminary for x religion. Was that before you met dad?"

*snerk* love it!

Calypso

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #32 on: January 29, 2013, 02:47:10 PM »
I don't think a smarty or argumentative response is the way to go here. This is a tremendously painful topic for adherents of Monotheistic Religion A because it *is* a monotheistic religion, therefore everyone else MUST be wrong, therefore you aren't going to be with them in whatever form of Valhalla they believe in! What a sad thing for a parent to  have to deal with.

It's unavoidable, of course, because you have to follow your own conscious in spiritual matters. I am not the religion my parents are, and we don't discuss it. I don't need for my Mom (my Dad is no longer with us)  to be in on that aspect of my life if the knowledge pains her, and it does. Life's too short, why go there.

I think you could try saying two things to your Mom (as well as some of the other excellent suggestions from Art and other PPs): "Mom, I know you're worried because you care about me. I want you to  know, I love you too."

and, maybe, you could lightly say "gosh, Mom, does Your Faith get a lot of converts through nagging? Does that really ever work?  ::) ;) "

peach2play

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #33 on: January 29, 2013, 02:59:17 PM »
"Ok"

"We will have to agree to disagree"

Slartibartfast

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #34 on: January 29, 2013, 03:06:19 PM »
The bigger picture here is that she doesn't trust you as an adult to make your own adult decisions.  It sounds like this problem extends to more than just religion and it's not something you can necessarily always predict, so drama is lurking around every corner.  If you want to identify as a member of your new religion and still have a relationship with your mom - heck, if you want to identify as ANYTHING your mom doesn't approve of and still have a relationship - you will need to make her start treating you like an adult.

magician5

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #35 on: January 29, 2013, 03:24:17 PM »
Don't talk about religion. It's a private matter between you and Deity. Look at it just like you don't talk about your s*x life ... it's private.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

JeseC

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #36 on: January 29, 2013, 04:06:02 PM »
At this point, I think my primary goal is to be able to visit and interact with my mother, and have an enjoyable relationship, while still maintaining my own religious practices.  Given the distances involved it is not going to be possible for me to hide my practices, and I don't feel willing to suspend them merely to avoid an argument.

I would like her to be able to be more understanding that there is a lot we agree on.  A lot of her big issues aren't even correct.  But yes, unfortunately this is an issue that comes up in a lot of areas.  My mother is still of the opinion that it's disrespectful and rude for me to disagree with her.

Don't talk about religion. It's a private matter between you and Deity. Look at it just like you don't talk about your s*x life ... it's private.

See this just isn't how I view religion.  It's more for me like how to handle it if I decided to go out with a partner that my mother didn't approve of.  I can respect her disapproval, but I'm not going to pretend a significant other doesn't exist.  And I'm certainly not going to avoid seeing or calling them over Christmas just because my mother's around and might get offended.

Mental Magpie

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #37 on: January 29, 2013, 04:14:06 PM »
You don't have to suspend your beliefs to not talk about them with a specific person. You may want her to stop believing the wrong stereotypes about your religion, but it's not going to happen because she isn't open to hearing anything. You're not going to change her mind because she is not willing to change it. You have to accept that it's not going to happen.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

JeseC

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #38 on: January 29, 2013, 04:16:44 PM »
You don't have to suspend your beliefs to not talk about them with a specific person. You may want her to stop believing the wrong stereotypes about your religion, but it's not going to happen because she isn't open to hearing anything. You're not going to change her mind because she is not willing to change it. You have to accept that it's not going to happen.

It's not an issue of just not talking about them.  My point with that was I can't completely avoid the topic, because I need to participate in religious rites with her in the area - I typically visit for a bit over a week once a year, it's simply not possible to avoid that issue.

Mental Magpie

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #39 on: January 29, 2013, 04:21:50 PM »
You don't have to suspend your beliefs to not talk about them with a specific person. You may want her to stop believing the wrong stereotypes about your religion, but it's not going to happen because she isn't open to hearing anything. You're not going to change her mind because she is not willing to change it. You have to accept that it's not going to happen.

It's not an issue of just not talking about them.  My point with that was I can't completely avoid the topic, because I need to participate in religious rites with her in the area - I typically visit for a bit over a week once a year, it's simply not possible to avoid that issue.

But it is. Do your religious rites, and if she starts asking questions don't answer her directly.  "Mom, I only ask that you respect my religion, not that you agree with it. I won't be discussing this further." That's it, don't say anything else, repeat it ad nauseum if you have to, but otherwise don't engage. You don't have to discuss it with her, you just don't; you do not need to justify why you believe what you do, not to anyone.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

guihong

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #40 on: January 29, 2013, 04:27:32 PM »
So, 51 weeks of the year, you don't live with your mother.  That means, if she starts criticizing or arguing with you about religion over the phone, you can hang up. 

The week you are visiting, can you attend a different church?  You're an adult; you don't have to participate with your mother no matter what kind of fuss she kicks up.  That seems like the ultimate solution, frankly. 




JeseC

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #41 on: January 29, 2013, 04:29:42 PM »
So, 51 weeks of the year, you don't live with your mother.  That means, if she starts criticizing or arguing with you about religion over the phone, you can hang up. 

The week you are visiting, can you attend a different church?  You're an adult; you don't have to participate with your mother no matter what kind of fuss she kicks up.  That seems like the ultimate solution, frankly.

That's not really how it works with church, no.  Especially not over Christmas.  I can't substitute.

I'm really trying to avoid having to say "Stop it or I won't visit or talk to you."  That seems extreme, and I think she really does care about me.  But I'm also worried that no matter what I do it's going to be a giant storm of drama.

TurtleDove

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #42 on: January 29, 2013, 04:33:02 PM »
You don't have to suspend your beliefs to not talk about them with a specific person. You may want her to stop believing the wrong stereotypes about your religion, but it's not going to happen because she isn't open to hearing anything. You're not going to change her mind because she is not willing to change it. You have to accept that it's not going to happen.

It's not an issue of just not talking about them.  My point with that was I can't completely avoid the topic, because I need to participate in religious rites with her in the area - I typically visit for a bit over a week once a year, it's simply not possible to avoid that issue.

The bolded is the point, as I see it.  We can all say how wrong the mother is or suggest ways for the OP to explain her religious views, but the fact is no one can control the mother.  I think it is best for the OP to accept that this is not going to smoothly resolve itself, and is likely to continue to be an issue.    I think the OP can either cut ties with her mother, or understand she will have to simply ignore her mother when it comes to religious issues and activities. 

Mental Magpie

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #43 on: January 29, 2013, 04:35:34 PM »
So, 51 weeks of the year, you don't live with your mother.  That means, if she starts criticizing or arguing with you about religion over the phone, you can hang up. 

The week you are visiting, can you attend a different church?  You're an adult; you don't have to participate with your mother no matter what kind of fuss she kicks up.  That seems like the ultimate solution, frankly.

That's not really how it works with church, no.  Especially not over Christmas.  I can't substitute.

I'm really trying to avoid having to say "Stop it or I won't visit or talk to you."  That seems extreme, and I think she really does care about me.  But I'm also worried that no matter what I do it's going to be a giant storm of drama.

You don't have to go to the extreme of cutting off contact, but you can just not talk about that specific subject.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Sharnita

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Re: "That's really not true" (religion)
« Reply #44 on: January 29, 2013, 04:36:54 PM »
I also think that misleading mom about a major aspect of OP's life, even if it means hiding it kind of passively, probably violates a major aspect of both their religious beliefs.