Should I tell her to stop or just toss it?

[AylaM]

BG1:
I have a personal problem: I will eat food if it is put in front of me.  If I don't want to eat the food I have to actively tell myself not to do so, otherwise I'll just keep eating it.  Even long after I'm full.  I really only have problems with it in restaurants when the food isn't cleared away quickly.   I take full responsibility for my actions and am not blaming anyone else for them.

BG2:
I go out with my family to eat at least once a week.  We are part of a group together and while we can eat there, we cannot bring in our own food. If we didn't eat there we'd have to eat really early or really late.  So we eat there.

THE QUESTION:
My grandmother had weight-loss surgery about a year ago.  I am running across a problem that started out as an annoyance and is now something that I am really frustrated about.  It wasn't always a problem, but it has recently cropped up.

Since her surgery she can't eat as much she will eat what she can and then have 75% or more of her food left.  She'll then ask if her husband wants it.  He says no.  So she'll ask me, then my mom.  We'll say no.  And then every single time when I get up (as part of the activity)  I return to find her plate in front of my seat or between my mother and me.  Secretly I wonder if she doesn't have the same problem as I do and is solving it by passing the food off.

Nevertheless, it is starting to make me angry.  I don't want her food but she keeps giving it to me.  And if I'm not careful, I eat it.  And then I get mad at myself for eating it.  And I think it makes her think that I actually did want it (though I've told her about my problem before).

I'd like to stop this.  But I don't know what course of action to take.  Here is what I'm considering, and what I'd like your input on:

• When I find the food in front of me, just take it to the trash can the next time I get up
• Thanking her, telling her I don't want it, and placing it back in front of her
• Not thanking her and telling her that I'd appreciate it if she stopped doing that

I'm leaning towards number 1, as it seems to be the least confrontational.  But I don't want to have fault in my actions if anyone says anything (which I'm sure someone will - probably mom, wanting to know why I was so mean).  So I would appreciate your input on the matter.

[Amara]

I must have mis-read the original post; my input seems to have been off-target.

Carry on!

[Virg]

These people are all close relatives, so in your case I'd tell your grandmother honestly about what you've told us and ask for her help in dealing with it.  Since she's aware of your issue and it's starting to bother you, then she'll have good reason not to park it in front of you any more.  If she has the same problem and is passing it to you, then telling her not to pass it to you will make it "safe" for one or the other of you to discard the food without any concern.  If your family knows about your issue and that it's been irritating you, I'll presume that they'll want to help you out, and in all cases I think that food that's been turned down by everyone at the table and ends up in front of you can be safely discarded as soon as it appears at your spot, so if it keeps happening, upon returning and finding the food there simply pick it up and take it directly to the trash.

Virg

[Zizi-K]

I would put the plate back in front of her so she can deal with it as she sees fit. When you return, just say - oh, sorry, mom and I are full and don't want it. Plop, back in front of her. Or, if you want to be nice about it, you can pick it up and say - "We actually don't want this. Do you want it back, or shall I throw it away?" It's like how you deal with toddlers - you give them the illusion of choice - but in either case, the story doesn't end with you eating it!

[Moray]

I would put the plate back in front of her so she can deal with it as she sees fit. When you return, just say - oh, sorry, mom and I are full and don't want it. Plop, back in front of her. Or, if you want to be nice about it, you can pick it up and say - "We actually don't want this. Do you want it back, or shall I throw it away?" It's like how you deal with toddlers - you give them the illusion of choice - but in either case, the story doesn't end with you eating it!

Perfect!

[One Fish, Two Fish]

You could suggest that she box up her "leftovers" before she eats.  That way she gets an extra meal the next day.  Out of sight, out of mind? 

[Only me]

HI

I like One Fish, Two Fish's answer. Box at least 1/2 of it before even starting to eat.

Better yet, I have the same challenge as you. What I did to stop myself is move my plate? (My roomy is usually good with finishing left overs).
Two things that worked best for me @ restaurants:
1) Have it taken away right away or ask for a take out container.
2) Put someone else's dirty dish right on top of mine. You can be guaranteed that I will am not tempted to eat the food then. (I have tried just putting a dirty napkin over the food, but find that doesn't work). Better yet my roomie will tend to pick at food not covered by the napkin if he's still in a mood, it really grosses me out and its a whole other conversation.

Hope you find something that works, Onlyme

[Sweet_Thang]

You could suggest that she box up her "leftovers" before she eats.  That way she gets an extra meal the next day.  Out of sight, out of mind?

I would suggest this!   I had the WLS surgery 10 yrs ago and I still have to do this.  Usually have something for lunch the next day.  Or, you can suggest that you share something?  That way she's eating what she can; you are only eating what is just enough for you and you BOTH save $$$!!!!   

(I was and still am called a Cheap Date!  )

[cicero]

I would put the plate back in front of her so she can deal with it as she sees fit. When you return, just say - oh, sorry, mom and I are full and don't want it. Plop, back in front of her. Or, if you want to be nice about it, you can pick it up and say - "We actually don't want this. Do you want it back, or shall I throw it away?" It's like how you deal with toddlers - you give them the illusion of choice - but in either case, the story doesn't end with you eating it!

this.

or maybe before you start, could you suggest that the two of you split an entree? or suggest that she get an appetizer as a main?

[Oh Joy]

I suggest ignoring the implication that you might eat it, and find another action with a closed-end question.  "Grandma, did you want me to throw this away for you or get you a box so you can take it home?"  Then do it so it's not 'yours' to eat.

Best wishes.

(Of course, she's not treating you with respect, but this may be one of those cases where it's a better use of your energy to positively redirect her action than to attempt to prevent or change it.)

[Sharnita]

I agree with asking for the box to be brought.when the food is.

[joraemi]

I had a friend who also had a similar issue.  If the food was going to be sitting in front of her and there was nothing she could do to get it taken away she would dump the salt shaker on it. Then it was inedible.

[JoyinVirginia]

I had a friend who also had a similar issue.  If the food was going to be sitting in front of her and there was nothing she could do to get it taken away she would dump the salt shaker on it. Then it was inedible.

I like this idea!

[reddevil]

I had a friend who also had a similar issue.  If the food was going to be sitting in front of her and there was nothing she could do to get it taken away she would dump the salt shaker on it. Then it was inedible.

I like this idea!

This worked WONDERS for me when I was trying to pay attention to what I was putting in my mouth.  One or two salt drenched fries would get eaten by me, not paying attention, and really helped me focus on what I was eating and what I was doing.  Restaurants are really hard! 

[BeagleMommy]

I would suggest to Grandma that she ask for a take-out box when she orders.  That way she can box up her leftovers and take them home for the next day.

If you return to the table and find her plate in front of your seat you could always push it back and say "I'm sorry, Granny, perhaps you didn't hear that I didn't want any more.".