Sister thinks we're the Ramada

[mstigerlily]

The reply you were looking for was "No, (Sister), we're busy this weekend, but the (hotel) nearby is really nice"

[fountainsoflettuce]

Good stress?  "This is unnecessary"?

I guess I'm just not understanding - is this a posting/rant about the situation which you helped create?  What was the original etiquette question?  I"m just not following the etiquette issue  involved in this situation.

[RebeccainGA]

Good stress?  "This is unnecessary"?

I guess I'm just not understanding - is this a posting/rant about the situation which you helped create?  What was the original etiquette question?  I"m just not following the etiquette issue  involved in this situation.

The question is, and has been, if my sister decides to change plans at the last minute, causing massive stress to my mother, and I allow my sister to stay with me during this change of plans, am I being rude to my mother, or is it unrelated to my sister's massive rudeness.

[LeveeWoman]

Good stress?  "This is unnecessary"?

I guess I'm just not understanding - is this a posting/rant about the situation which you helped create?  What was the original etiquette question?  I"m just not following the etiquette issue  involved in this situation.

The question is, and has been, if my sister decides to change plans at the last minute, causing massive stress to my mother, and I allow my sister to stay with me during this change of plans, am I being rude to my mother, or is it unrelated to my sister's massive rudeness.

Would a real Ramada Inn be responsible?

[RebeccainGA]

Would a real Ramada Inn be responsible?

Thank you. That's the perspective I needed. And, again, why I love this place!

[Mikayla]

I can see why it feels "rude" to not involve your mom, but it isn't.  One rule that can save sanity is that adults in a family, particularly close relatives, are responsible for maintaining their own relationships.  They also get to define these relationships.  If Mom needs sis to communicate better, it's between them.

In a weird way, it reminds me of work situations, where I've been "that girl".  I rustle around trying to fix bad habits and behaviors of others, and there's never a benefit to me personally.  In fact, I'm enabling them.  Sometimes the only way to fix that is stop the behavior and let them learn from what happens.

You won't be rude if you stick with all your plans and simply become the Ramada your sister already thinks you are. 

[guihong]

So Sister is bringing Niece (Up, I mean, if it's from JAX) to Atlanta to this circus, then taking her back to your parents, just to have them bring her all the way to Destin?  That's a lot of back and forth.

You weren't rude in giving her a place; otherwise, she would have gotten a motel room.  Your parents are "reaping the whirlwind".

[Tea Drinker]

No, it's not your responsibility to notify or otherwise involve your mother. There are households where one person takes on all or most of the responsibility for social planning (a stay-at-home parent is a common example), but that's not automatic even when people share a household, and it's certainly not the rule when you don't live together.

Your mother hasn't asked you to maintain her social or appointment calendar (nor should she), and you haven't offered. The only bits of my mother's calendar that are on mine are the day/time she's getting to New York later this month, and the day/time she's flying out again. At some point we'll be adding a couple of entries like "Mom, dinner," but those will go on my calendar because they're my plans.

As a side note, etiquette also wouldn't require you to ask your sister "what does Mom think about this?" It would be an allowable question, but not a prudent one in this case, because it would lead to further entanglement.

[BeagleMommy]

No, you bear no responsibility to let your mother know of your sister's plans.  BTW, your sister is being rude to you (by informing you she was staying with you; not asking) and your mother (by not informing her of a change of plans).

Don't worry about your niece.  If your sister has to deal with an irritable toddler because of some convoluted plans, so be it.

[m2kbug]

I'm considering my own rel@tionship with my sister here and how this would work out.  I would be more than happy to offer her accommodations in my home, but she would have to understand that I and my family will not be around much as we already have other plans.  We will not be available to entertain, drive, or babysit.  Here's the key, make yourself at home.  This would work with my sister, who probably already has needs met for transportation and babysitting and anything else necessary for travel, she just needs a roof, hopefully for free. Hopefully her and I can bump into each other and have a little time together in the interim before we rush off to our obligations.  It's a perfectly workable plan.

It doesn't sound like your sister is that entirely reliable in this arena. 

Who the hell calls at 6 o'clock in the morning?  If you're too fuzzy-brained to function at that time, in the future, you need to simply say you'll call them back.  At 6 a.m., if you are up at that time, you're probably getting ready for work or getting the kids ready for school, and it's really not a good time to be dealing with anything un-emergent anyway...you can talk later, most things can wait.  It also gives you some time polish your spine and put some thoughts together on this impending commitment.

Putting sister up for a night or two is no big deal, in my opinion, if she can otherwise fend for herself, but if you're expected to drive her everywhere, babysit, and provide entertainment at the expense of your own plans, the answer should have been no, and you're not rude to say no, and if they call at the butt-crack of dawn you need to say you'll call back later.

Your mom is making her own choices in this whirlwind of last minute plans.  This is not your responsibility, mom can say no too.  You are not contributing.  That aspect is independent of your choices.  Your mom can stress or not stress, you really have no control here.

[JenJay]

Good stress?  "This is unnecessary"?

I guess I'm just not understanding - is this a posting/rant about the situation which you helped create?  What was the original etiquette question?  I"m just not following the etiquette issue  involved in this situation.

The question is, and has been, if my sister decides to change plans at the last minute, causing massive stress to my mother, and I allow my sister to stay with me during this change of plans, am I being rude to my mother, or is it unrelated to my sister's massive rudeness.

You are not responsible for your sister's actions and there's no reason for you to put yourself in the middle of possible tension between your Mom and Sis.

She would have come anyway, your niece would have been subjected to the trip anyway, your mom would be stressed anyway, they'd just be sleeping in a hotel instead of at your house. You didn't indicate that you're concerned your mom will be upset with you and there's no reason she should be. If she says anything to you like "Why did you let Sis stay there?" say "Because we have the space and she asked. She was coming anyway, mom. She doesn't ask my permission before making plans or answer to me after the fact."