Help with neighbors borrowing things! This is LONG!

[seriously?]

Thanks for the feedback.  I didn't want to be a jerk, that's why I continued to loan things but haven't purchased anything for her in a long time.  Borrowing from or to has ended effective immediately!  BUT I almost want to send a text letting her know Thanks for returning the costume, but it was a day late! I know that's just snarky though.

[TootsNYC]

yeah, and since the slippers were something you borrowed and you can't find (or did you find them?), you don't really have the high ground. Or, not so high as to be safe taking pot shots at other people--you're in range if they want to shoot back.

I like the "I'm not loaning things out anymore or borrowing them either," and not giving other excuses. The "don't try to borrow stuff from me" training stage will be shorter.

[seriously?]

Crazy story about the slippers, yes we found them and returned them, i thought they were my son's girlfriends.  We had a kitchen fire (everything was ok, husband put it out) on New Years Day and my DD and I ran across the street to their house and my DD didn't put shoes on so we were leant the slippers.

No need for me to be snarky, lesson learned.

[TootsNYC]

You can turn the slippers into ammo for your "I'm not loaning or borrowing" comments.

"It's so hard to keep track of stuff, so I'm simply not loaning things out or borrowing them."

So you should simply not feel bad at all and have no hesitation saying no. You learned how hard it is to return stuff, how easy it is to lose track of them, so you are completely angelic in not wanting to put them in that spot. Right? ;-)

[Yankeegal77]

You can turn the slippers into ammo for your "I'm not loaning or borrowing" comments.

"It's so hard to keep track of stuff, so I'm simply not loaning things out or borrowing them."

So you should simply not feel bad at all and have no hesitation saying no. You learned how hard it is to return stuff, how easy it is to lose track of them, so you are completely angelic in not wanting to put them in that spot. Right? ;-)

THIS.

I personally would have stopped loaning things out a long time ago, especially after not being paid for the purchased items and having to ask repeatedly for my own items to be returned.

As for snark, there's really no need, considering that you've forgotten to return an item (it happens!!) and it seems like you're still close enough that you went to her house when your kitchen caught on fire.  I wouldn't go burning bridges, but at the same time, don't walk across those bridges to loan things our or run errands.

No is a complete, polite sentence.

[RegionMom]

Now I am picturing a literal bridge between two houses!

Slippers borrowed after barefoot from a fire is a far cry from the other items mentioned.  Necessity vs. lazy want.

[sammycat]

I personally would have stopped loaning things out a long time ago, especially after not being paid for the purchased items and having to ask repeatedly for my own items to be returned.

I agree.

And maybe it's just me and the circles I run in, but I've never come across borrowing things like pasta sauce etc. If I don't have a particular ingredient on hand I either go to the shop and buy it, or just don't make that item that day.

[oceanus]

I personally would have stopped loaning things out a long time ago, especially after not being paid for the purchased items and having to ask repeatedly for my own items to be returned.

I agree.

And maybe it's just me and the circles I run in, but I've never come across borrowing things like pasta sauce etc. If I don't have a particular ingredient on hand I either go to the shop and buy it, or just don't make that item that day.

This.

OP, I don’t understand your comment about “not wanting to be a jerk”.  You feel responsible for her poor planning - for providing her with things she’s too irresponsible and lazy to get for herself, and also for buying things for her with your money?

I’ve known a few users like her and while they don’t like my “No, can’t help you”, they soon learn to either be more self sufficient or find someone else to mooch from.

[bopper]

I personally would have stopped loaning things out a long time ago, especially after not being paid for the purchased items and having to ask repeatedly for my own items to be returned.

I agree.

And maybe it's just me and the circles I run in, but I've never come across borrowing things like pasta sauce etc. If I don't have a particular ingredient on hand I either go to the shop and buy it, or just don't make that item that day.

This.

OP, I don’t understand your comment about “not wanting to be a jerk”.  You feel responsible for her poor planning - for providing her with things she’s too irresponsible and lazy to get for herself, and also for buying things for her with your money?

I’ve known a few users like her and while they don’t like my “No, can’t help you”, they soon learn to either be more self sufficient or find someone else to mooch from.

In a relationship where people are equal and reciprocate helping out, it might be a little jerky to say no to helping the person out when it would be little effort for you to. The "friend" is taking advantage of this...but the relationship is not equal and she doesn't reciprocate or return things.  She is just using you..and that makes her the jerk. 
I still say the easiest way is to just to say "Sorry, all out of pasta sauce" or "my kids play in that costume so it is not in shape to be lent out" and "Sorry, I..." until she finds someone else to use.

[Outdoor Girl]

I have a really good give and take with my next door neighbours.  I can pop over and borrow eggs or milk or whatever.  Usually, it is because I'm baking and I've run out.  So I ask if they want me to replace what I borrowed or give them some of the baking.  The husband usually says, 'I sure as heck don't want [whatever I borrowed] back.'  I'm known as 'the B that can bake'.   

The other day, they were making a recipe (that they've given me) and needed a cup of rice so I gave them the rice.  And Monday, my driveway got cleaned out before I managed to get out there and do it.

That's how it is supposed to work.  When the borrowing is all one sided, it doesn't work so well.

[Minmom3]

Exactly.  It's ALL about the reciprocity and mutuality.  Keeps everybody from feeling abused and taken advantage of.   

[siamesecat2965]

I have a really good give and take with my next door neighbours.  I can pop over and borrow eggs or milk or whatever.  Usually, it is because I'm baking and I've run out.  So I ask if they want me to replace what I borrowed or give them some of the baking.  The husband usually says, 'I sure as heck don't want [whatever I borrowed] back.'  I'm known as 'the B that can bake'.   

The other day, they were making a recipe (that they've given me) and needed a cup of rice so I gave them the rice.  And Monday, my driveway got cleaned out before I managed to get out there and do it.

That's how it is supposed to work.  When the borrowing is all one sided, it doesn't work so well.

I do as well. My downstairs neighbor, who I am good friends with, is 87. A young 87, as in still drives, goes out, and is active, but when it snows, I won't let her go out and clean off her car. She has some minor health issues, and there's no reason for her to be out doing that. So I do it. And she insists on paying me!!

Since I don't really want to be paid, but she's more stubborn than I am, when she brings my mail in when I go away, I buy her pricy chocolate. She loves it, and its payback.

[Outdoor Girl]

Same neighbour did my driveway for me on Friday while I was at work.  I would have come home to a 3 ft plow pile in the end of the driveway, if he hadn't.  And I needed to change a shear pin before I could use my blower.

I made them a pumpkin pie and bought a can of whipped cream to go with it.