News: There is a new Ehell Kindness Project!  Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • July 01, 2016, 09:17:48 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: How wrong was I?  (Read 9862 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

finecabernet

  • Member
  • Posts: 681
How wrong was I?
« on: February 01, 2013, 10:41:17 PM »
I attended a viewing this evening of a close family friend, and since I didn't go home to change, attended it wearing what I wore to work, which was jeans. Nearly everyone was dressed up except for me. I didn't think was of it until a met up with a friend afterwards, who told me nicely that I was inappropriately dressed. I'm guessing since everyone else was dressed up that I made a faux pas, but was it a terrible one? I was truly fond of the deceased, who himself had been a casual guy, and I doubt his family would have been offended, but now I feel self-conscious.

WillyNilly

  • Member
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2013, 10:43:29 PM »
I think if you can dress up for a wake/viewing/shiva/etc its nice, but ultimately its more important to be there.  So if you really didn't have time to go home and change, of course you were fine! Your friends were pretty rude to mention it to you to be honest.

kareng57

  • Member
  • Posts: 12379
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2013, 10:49:18 PM »
Viewings aren't common where I live - but to my understanding, where they're fairly routine, they're usually in late afternoon-early evening hours and it's pretty mainstream for people to attend on their way home from work.  And not everyone easily has facilities to change from work clothes.

Naturally close family/friends quite likely took the day off work anyway and could wear more formal attire.  I would think that they'd be happy that people would take the time to be there no matter what.

sparksals

  • Member
  • Posts: 17509
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2013, 11:04:52 PM »
Personally, I would never wear jeans to anything relating to a funeral, wake or visitation.  It does seem a bit disrespectful.  Perhaps your friend felt close enough to you that she could tell you that you were dressed inappropriately.   

Did you know about it before you left for work this morning?  You didn't think to take a change of clothes?  It sounds like you wore jeans to work thinking you could just wear them to the visitation after and didn't think ahead.

Really, no harm, no foul, but for next time, I think it would be better to wear something much nicer than jeans.

sparksals

  • Member
  • Posts: 17509
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2013, 11:06:14 PM »
Viewings aren't common where I live - but to my understanding, where they're fairly routine, they're usually in late afternoon-early evening hours and it's pretty mainstream for people to attend on their way home from work.  And not everyone easily has facilities to change from work clothes.

Naturally close family/friends quite likely took the day off work anyway and could wear more formal attire.  I would think that they'd be happy that people would take the time to be there no matter what.

There's not a washroom at most places of employment? 

WillyNilly

  • Member
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2013, 11:45:08 PM »
Viewings aren't common where I live - but to my understanding, where they're fairly routine, they're usually in late afternoon-early evening hours and it's pretty mainstream for people to attend on their way home from work.  And not everyone easily has facilities to change from work clothes.

Naturally close family/friends quite likely took the day off work anyway and could wear more formal attire.  I would think that they'd be happy that people would take the time to be there no matter what.

There's not a washroom at most places of employment?

I've worked places where it would not be appropriate to change clothes on-site.  I've also worked places where co-workers and bosses and customers would give you work if you were still there, even if your shift was over and you were clocked out - rushing out as discreetly as possible was the only way to leave.  i have friends who work in the field and don't always have access to restrooms, or at least not ones where a person would feel comfortable changing into nice clothes.

sparksals

  • Member
  • Posts: 17509
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2013, 12:35:28 AM »
Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that. 


DottyG

  • Member
  • Posts: 18204
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2013, 01:34:20 AM »
I think if you can dress up for a wake/viewing/shiva/etc its nice, but ultimately its more important to be there.  So if you really didn't have time to go home and change, of course you were fine! Your friends were pretty rude to mention it to you to be honest.

I agree with WillyNilly. I think your presence mattered more than attire. Had it been an offensive shirt and cutoffs, I think you'd have been inappropriate. But nice jeans shouldn't matter.


Danika

  • Member
  • Posts: 2692
  • I'm not speeding. I'm qualifying.
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2013, 01:53:21 AM »
I think this is one of those cases where your friend was even ruder than you inadvertently were.

Perhaps you could have changed before the viewing, but I don't think that was a huge infraction. And, it was inadvertent. But your friend shouldn't have said anything to you later. What was the point? Shaming you? Warning you to dress up for other viewings in the future? Her admonishment was intentional and unnecessary.

I tend to dwell on things like this and get mad at myself. Forgive yourself. At least you went to the viewing to pay your respects. That was the most important thing.

Luci

  • Member
  • Posts: 7046
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #9 on: February 02, 2013, 02:15:49 AM »
I think if you can dress up for a wake/viewing/shiva/etc its nice, but ultimately its more important to be there.  So if you really didn't have time to go home and change, of course you were fine! Your friends were pretty rude to mention it to you to be honest.

I agree with WillyNilly. I think your presence mattered more than attire. Had it been an offensive shirt and cutoffs, I think you'd have been inappropriate. But nice jeans shouldn't matter.

I definitely agree with these.

Been there, done that, both as the close family member mourning when people showed up very casually dressed, and as the one in jeans at the visitation.

You do what you got'ta do.

cicero

  • Member
  • Posts: 19059
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2013, 06:21:10 AM »
I attended a viewing this evening of a close family friend, and since I didn't go home to change, attended it wearing what I wore to work, which was jeans. Nearly everyone was dressed up except for me. I didn't think was of it until a met up with a friend afterwards, who told me nicely that I was inappropriately dressed. I'm guessing since everyone else was dressed up that I made a faux pas, but was it a terrible one? I was truly fond of the deceased, who himself had been a casual guy, and I doubt his family would have been offended, but now I feel self-conscious.
I think you probably should have dressed a little nicer if that would have been possible but your friend was rude. it was already after the fact - what were you supposed to do at that point?

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Hmmmmm

  • Member
  • Posts: 8304
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #11 on: February 02, 2013, 08:28:31 AM »
Since you say the friend told you nicely, I'm not going to fault them. You obviously felt they were doing it out of friendship and for future reference. I can see a good friend saying "just so you are aware, jeans aren't normally worn to viewings." 

I agree it would have been better to find away to change into a pair of slacks if possible, but I really doubt the family noticed.

oceanus

  • Member
  • Posts: 693
  • pronounced o-see-ANN-us
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2013, 08:58:58 AM »
Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that.

Not being able to change at work is no excuse.  OP you could have thought ahead and changed in the rest room of someplace enroute to th funeral home (McDonalds, etc.).  What's done is done, but it's something to keep in mind for next time.

Sharnita

  • Member
  • Posts: 22273
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2013, 09:09:54 AM »
I don't think it matters that there is no excuse.  You are not required to have one, there is nothing to excuse.  Do I tend to "dress up" for a funeral visitation? Yes.  Is it wrong to wear jeans as long as they are clean, fit right and are not torn?  No, it isn't wrong. it sounds like your jeans weren't skin tight or sagging.  They weren't dirty or torn.  So the thing people object to - the material.  Are they also going to tisk over a *******-cotton blend?  Would satin be a tea or a nay?

If you had called your friend ahead fo time and said "Should I wear ___________ or __________" then it would be reasonable to give her opinion.  If you were a minor child and she was the parent it would be reasonable.  If the venue was some place that had some sort of policy or belief that precluded denim then somebody working there could have mentioned it.  Otherwise, it isn't your friend's place to criticize.

stargazer

  • Member
  • Posts: 5584
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #14 on: February 02, 2013, 09:11:33 AM »
I personally would not wear jeans to a viewing and would feel it's a bit too casual.  However, it's more important that you were there and your friend was rude to mention it to you.